He himself says he NEEDS reassurance and cheerleading, he strongly believes that thats needed hat marriage should be.
What's really disheartening is that he can find quite a bit of validation for that kind of thinking via therapists who still subscribe to the "unmet needs" fallacy. So, if you're not super careful in choosing a therapist (as well as any self-help materials), you can inadvertently end up with him cementing his opinion and then, I don't know what you could do at that point short of curbing him.
When you really think about it though, the need for external validation is something we see in common with so many cheaters, and it's NOT the healthy enjoyment that people with normal psychologies feel in response to praise and flattery. It's the difference between a "need" and a "want". If I get a new hairstyle, I want my spouse to notice and compliment it, but I don't "need" him to do that. I'm not going to feel like my value as a human being is in question if he fails to offer me some flattery. I'm not going to demonize or "other" him over it. I'm an adult. I can decide if my hair is good or bad on my own.
The problem with people who can't self-validate is that they've got some big void in their psyche which can't be filled. So, they crave that praise, they need that flattery... but it's never enough. And certainly, as I've mentioned before, the stale kibbles of the tried and true aren't going to hold a candle to what's new and risky. Those kibbles come with adrenaline and extra dopamine... a bigger "fix" for a kibble junkie as it were.
A good sort of litmus test is noticing what happens when we get past the failure to flatter and on to outright criticism, a step farther. The WS who can't self-validate and depends on others to do it for him falls to emotional pieces when criticized. The anger and self-pity can be savage. They might say ugly things, or we might see the silent treatment or some other passive/aggressive payback for our temerity.
Question is, how do I shake him back to reality, to R mindset. We were our happiest in the past 3 years, him too. Until it started to crumble after baby was born.
He needs to go back to therapy and figure out what that unfillable void inside is all about. He needs to finish the work of a WS. Why does he "need" external validation? Why isn't he self-fruitful in terms of "reassurance and cheerleading"? He's an adult now, not a child. His self-esteem should not be subject to the whims of others. He should be comfortable enough in his own skin to thrive on his own. And I agree with you, he's not likely to ever be satisfied regardless of your efforts until he corrects this failure.
The problem is that you can't control any of that. If he doesn't do this work, you'll always be dealing with this narcissistic, selfish attitude in one form or another. You might smooth things over and go for years until another flare-up, but there will always be something, because he can't be satisfied externally, the void cannot be filled. He can only be placated until the next round. Eventually, you might still have to face the final discard on top of everything else he's put you through. So, it's up to you how much you want to put into this. I'm at a stage in life where I'm not willing to settle for less than what I deserve, but I do remember when my kids were small how daunting the prospect of divorce felt. He's already opened the door on counseling, so I would say, shove him through it. Do a really careful screening and find a therapist who's going to call him on his lack of remorse and failure to reconcile the marriage. He might balk because what he's looking for is someone to make you behave like the Stepford wife he thinks he's entitled to. But maybe something will stick while he explores the reasons he cheated to begin with.
I do think it's smart to get a VAR on the job again and figure out how far things have gone with his "buddy", and like I said earlier, if you can get your support network more active, maybe even have a friend or family member on hand a bit more often, maybe it will make him less comfortable being mean to you. The good news for right now is that it looks like you've got TIME. Eventually, if he doesn't start making real change, I don't think there's anything you can do but reassess and decide if this is how you want to spend your life. I do believe that virtually anyone can change, but they have to actually WANT to do it. It's going to be difficult for you to incentivize the change you want without eventually putting an ultimatum out there, but that's a problem for another day.
((hugs))
[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:35 AM, Tuesday, March 1st]
