SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That's why she confessed. She had NO choice.

Because the obs told the company after I told her. Which I understand, but it's irritating like I said since I hoped I could get something out of it as she probably would have. Just have to pray she keeps it long enough

Nothere- I think Bigger is correct in his assessment on the how the court rules. They're not going to take into account your past trauma and weigh that into your custody decision. I'm no lawyer, but I have gone through Divorce and from my experience, the Judge did not care, nor do they want to get into the weeds about the infidelity. Frankly, half their cases are probably due to infidelity, and in a no fault state, they're not there to pick sides, but to quickly and efficiently dissolve the marriage, while doing whats best for the kids.

In your case, like in most others, the judge will probably start with 50/50 on all matters. Now, your kids are older, so there is a very good chance that they can just let the judge know that they prefer to stay with you, and at 16/17, I think that will fly and be more of the case, rather then your past trauma.

If your intent is to move out of state to California, you should check with your attorney. If you get full custody, and full rights, that might be an option, but you should def seek counsel b/c their mom is probably going to fight you hard on moving her kids away to another state.

[This message edited by HalfTime2017 at 7:32 PM, Wednesday, March 30th]

Also polygraph today. Maybe it is unhealthy I'm agreeing to it. I just want to know. Closure? The trial therapist I'm seeing agrees it's good for me since I'm naturally a worrisome person.

1. Did you only have sexual intercourse of any kind once?

2. Did you confess to me of your own accord?

3. Did you ever cheat on me any other time in our lives either emotionally or physically in in any way?

4. Was our lives together a lie?

So yay I guess.

Halftime

I realize that however the lawyer said it's worth a try anyways.

Also my kids were going to California regardless for college, they just want to go now, which would be hard since they're still in highschool. I'm just going with them. I've talked to them some more and I think we are just going to stay over there for the summer.

I guess technically the A was a ONS, but had you not found out snd put a stop to it there’s no telling how long the A would have continued.

Also polygraph today. Maybe it is unhealthy I'm agreeing to it. I just want to know. Closure? The trial therapist I'm seeing agrees it's good for me since I'm naturally a worrisome person.

Infidelity creates trauma by shattering your reality. Anything that helps you reconstruct your reality based on knowing what really happened is helpful. It doesn't have to affect your decision about D. Infidelity has always been a hard boundary and there's no reason that should change.

Well we got an earlier time by a few hours and she passed everything. Examiner said it couldn't be more clear. Well she looked up at me and smiled and it hurt. I said it didn't change anything and she put her head down.

We left and didn't say anything. Don't know what to think

Well this should help you moving forward. You wanted to know if she was telling the truth. So according to the polygraph examiner it could not be more clear: your WW only had sexual intercourse with the AP once; she confessed on her own accord; there were no other instances of cheating during your M; and she does not believe your lives together was a lie. So now you can get your D, and you and the boys can move to California. Wishing you good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 5:46 PM, March 30th (Wednesday)]

Thank you. It's also son and daughter. Don't know if I mentioned that

Sorry. You probably mentioned a son and a daughter and I missed it.

Well we got an earlier time by a few hours and she passed everything. Examiner said it couldn't be more clear. Well she looked up at me and smiled and it hurt. I said it didn't change anything and she put her head down.

We left and didn't say anything. Don't know what to think

In her mind this polygraph was her last best hope. It would have been better if you had stated the polygraph results would not have changed your mind regarding divorce before she took it.

She may lose her job, has lost her marriage and her kids. Is your wife inclined to self harm? If not before she may be now.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 12:37 AM, Thursday, March 31st]

She has her mom and her brother

Well she looked up at me and smiled and it hurt. I said it didn't change anything and she put her head down.

I'm sure when you saw that you could see a spark of the person you once knew and loved and you felt some empathy for her. It's unfortunate if she had false hopes. But you have a right to know irrespective of what she thinks about it.

You're doing the right thing for her as well as yourself. In your posiition, a quick, clean break will allow healing to start sooner rather than later for both of you.

OP. Now that you have the complete picture, I recommend that you take one final look holistically at all that has occurred. I say this because once or twice in your postings I saw an ounce of doubt sprinkled among an avalanche of certainty. Think about what you really want.

If you really still want to divorce, then you should obviously continue down that path.

If you are now self guessing divorce, and want to at least explore the possibility of R, then you should feel free to explore this possibility as well.

Engaging in this thought process doesn’t necessarily change your current path. It’s more of an exercise to make sure you know exactly what you really want to do, versus what you think you might want/should to do.

Good luck with everything.

Dude, I strongly disagree. OP has told himself his whole life that this was a hard, bright line that he would never accept crossing. He WW knew that very well. Any consideration of R at this point will only torture him and his WW and he will live with a lifetime of shame, if not regret, that he failed to enforce that boundary.

I seriously doubt that he will regret D given his mindset. He can always reunite with his WW if he does and she proves herself safe and worthy.

If you really still want to divorce, then you should obviously continue down that path.

If you are now self guessing divorce, and want to at least explore the possibility of R, then you should feel free to explore this possibility as well.

Engaging in this thought process doesn’t necessarily change your current path. It’s more of an exercise to make sure you know exactly what you really want to do, versus what you think you might want/should to do.

I agree with the above and not advocating R or D. This is a life altering decision that affects all involved, OP, his wife and children. There is no reason to not give it more thoughts if just for the reason of ridding any doubts about D.

Best of luck to you OP.

OP,

On 3/25, AcesEights made a post to you that I’m sure ruffled some feathers here. However, in hindsight it is becoming prophetic given many of the recent posts you are getting trying to sway you towards R.

You may want to reread that post again for perspective.

Posting as a member*

T/j

“If you really still want to divorce, then you should obviously continue down that path.

If you are now self guessing divorce, and want to at least explore the possibility of R, then you should feel free to explore this possibility as well.”

“Engaging in this thought process doesn’t necessarily change your current path. It’s more of an exercise to make sure you know exactly what you really want to do, versus what you think you might want/should to do.”

“I agree with the above and not advocating R or D. This is a life altering decision that affects all involved, OP, his wife and children. There is no reason to not give it more thoughts if just for the reason of ridding any doubts about D.”

“Best of luck to you OP”

OP just to be clear. No one has advised that you should R on this thread ever. Apparently, to some dim bulbs, any poster who has the audacity to advise that you take a moment to reflect before finalizing a life changing decision for you and your children, and your entire family is the equivalent to bludgeoning you with demands that you pursue R. Of course there are dim bulbs on an open forum like this who think this type of advice is awful and they choose to mischaracterize what is actually said in those posts. So be it. As with all of the advice on this site, you can ignore the advice to reflect on your decision, and leave that advice where it lays. It is well intentioned for you I am sure. But no one on this thread has advised that you must pursue R ever. Good luck.

I mean - I feel like it’s not so much advocating FOR reconciliation as it is about wanting the OP to, as fareast says, take some time to breathe and think before making a final decision. The only reason it feels like advocating for R in many cases is because when people come here, whatever the state of the marriage, the ARE currently married. Taking some time means they’d stay married for a minute at least while they think, but it doesn’t mean anyone is necessarily saying they should remain married forever at all costs.

I find that the insistence that everyone on this site pushes for R is weird, personally. From what I’ve seen, almost every time a BH posts about his unfaithful wife, you end up with pages upon pages of fellow (mostly male) members insisting that his wife is XYZ (bad words and names), the only recourse is to dump her and D, that she’s laughing at him if he doesn’t and she’s beyond hope and blah blah. So it goes the other way just as often, IMHO.

The ultimate point is that R or D is a huge decision and very, very personal to each poster. NOBODY should aggressively push one or the other, especially not on the JFO board. Again - IMHO. Sorry for the continuation of the t/j!!

Also NotHere - D or R, it’s ultimately YOUR choice and there is no wrong answer. You do what you need to do. The members here will support you through the process either way. :)

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 12:28 AM, Friday, April 1st]