SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It is though I am not concerned. The only thing I did wrong was scream at her. Looking back I don't regret calling her a whore because well... Biblically that's what she is as are all cheaters. Right now my kids and I are pretending she isn't even here so that's that I guess. Like I said too I will forgive her eventually but I just won't be married to a sidewalk Sally

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 6:33 PM, Monday, April 4th]

She and her family seem to be giving you all the confirmation that you need that you are making the right choice.

Is she at least giving you space if she decided to come back to the house?

Saw this posted somewhere a while back:

“I would rather adjust my life to your absence...than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.”

Nothere, I don't often reply but I hope you will indulge me for but a moment.

I understand where the anger comes from and most of those in the same situation are at that same level of angry. I would encourage you to see about getting some counseling to help you. It is very obvious that you are holding on to a great deal of anger (for understandable reasons) but you need to find a healthy way to process it. This anger will eventually eat at you and turn you into someone you aren't, and it will poison relationships with other people around.

I'm not for one second suggesting a forgive and forget solution here, only saying that your need to be able to move past the anger is for your benefit not hers, all that hate and anger will just twist and warp your outlook on life. The world is already full of bitter angry hateful people, adding another one to the mix does no good for you or anyone else. letting go is the gift you need to give yourself, holding on to the anger doesn't hurt her it hurts you and it gives her more control than she deserves.

[This message edited by leftbroken at 11:15 PM, Monday, April 4th]

Clouds777

She's annoying. Like I said I just pretend she doesn't exist. I'm pretty good at it in all honesty. Had plenty of practice with my mother.

Left broken

I am in counseling.

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 4:26 AM, Tuesday, April 5th]

Separate in home if you haven't done so already. Put a lock on the door of your room so you can find sanctuary within your home.

Foam ear plugs, (music) mp3 player with head phones, Bluetooth earbuds paired to your phone (music, movies, youtube),

Go out and do something with your kids. If they are unavailable go out on your own.

There are many ways to freeze her out.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 10:47 PM, Tuesday, April 5th]

Good idea. My only time out is work and the gym. Need to take my kids somewhere. Going to California in the summer regardless but I need to figure out something now

she knows you are strong and determined. Her marriage is over and her children are estranged from her. Your wife loses everything she doesn't want to lose. You should check your status. Is there any possibility of suicide? (must get therapy)

You wrote about your education in the past. now is the time to use it

Let your wife explain herself.

Why did she feel the need to flirt, cheated, confessed.

Think of it as closing, even though it's hard to talk, you should listen.

You and the kids are going out of state. Even if it's your wife's fault (she cheated on purpose), you can respect her enough to listen.

you should put a few "var" or cameras in the house, you may need to protect yourself from possible complaints.

I'll try that sometime

Ok I've thought about this and I have to ask. What would I gain by letting her explain herself? With the polygraph I agreed because it offered me closure but I don't see what I'd gain by her explaining herself. Especially since there's no reason for her to cheat it would probably just make me angry because like I said before it'll be something stupid like mommy was mean to her so she needed to suck dick. Or worse yet she doesn't know, yeah great. It's ruined for nothing.

I'm open to it I just don't understand what I'd gain because I'm in this for myself

All other things being equal, more information is generally better than less information. This is true not just with respect to infidelity.

Reading other threads and the adulterer coddling side of the site Im probably not far off. It's usually women doing it because they're bored, kids are going off to college, they feel old. Something idiotic.

I haven't read why men rationalize cheating in their minds but it's definitely something equally, if not more stupid.

What I'm trying to say is I just can't comprehend why this would help but I'm open to an explanation.

Since you are done, and divorcing, you don't need to hear her explanation, or her excuses. If you don't care why,that's ok.

And,no. You don't have to respect her enough to hear her out. That's absurd.

I see

There is no need to do anything you are not comfortable doing. Divorce means it may not matter, if you can truly move on and not carry the anger forward.

Could listening to her help you gain some degree of understanding? Maybe. If you heard her describe how she is broken and damaged, could it give you some degree of empathy for her that might help you co-parent? Maybe. It could also increase your anger if she is still in rationalizing mode. But since she confessed to you, she may have progressed beyond rationalizing. Who knows.

One thing that does occur to me is that you are a Christian. Loving our enemies and understanding that all fall short of the glory of God is part of the journey. Would listening to her help you on that personal journey down the narrow path? I think it is possible that it might, when you are ready to hear her.

"If you heard her describe how she is broken and damaged"

Yeah I don't buy that. She's so broken and damaged she decided to suck dick and gargle cum. What causes that huh? Nothing, just a bad person.

Turns out she just had the want a cock virus

Like most, if not all BHs on this forum, I have passed through the anger phase and called my xWW names in the first few days after D-Day. But I realized that my anger, though understandable, is unhealthy for everyone - me, my xWW and my young son. In my case, my xWW was not even remorseful, and blamed me for her cheating, which on hindsight, made the decision to D easier for me.I told my xWW that I will never get over her affair and the best way forward, for the sake of our son, then around 6 years old, is for us to immediately divorce so we can at least co-parent amicably. Once I was not living in the same house as my xWW, and began to see her only when I picked up/dropped my son, my anger subsided rather quickly, and never returned.

By all means, vent here. But since you've already decided to D, the faster you cut the cord with your WW, the better. Till then, just be cognizant of your anger, acknowledge it and let it pass instead of stewing in it. I know its easier said than done, especially in the early days, but that's just my two cents.

Her explanations can wait till your anger subsides and you're no longer living with her. Right now I don't see any point in hearing her explanations, considering you've already decided the outcome.

[This message edited by redbaron007 at 4:06 AM, Friday, April 8th]

Nothere759,

all you will hear from her are excuses if you humor her attempt to explain.

Anything she offers is all geared toward avoiding the consequences of her poor choices - divorce.

Why did she do it? She wanted to and she had the opportunity to.

You have nothing to gain by listening to her excuses.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 11:21 AM, Friday, April 8th]

I agree. The more information the better. Also, let’s say you’re open to reconciling two years down the road, for example, the information your WW gives you now could be critical towards that end.

The other positive is that instead of making you more angry it could even give you more peace with your current decision.

OP, you asked different points of view about listening to your STBXW. Here is another take on it.

Your wife has betrayed you and you are divorcing her. That's a valid course of action. But if you want to grapple productively with this blow, spiritually as a self professing Christian, despite your pain you might consider additional reflection on some of the principles at play.

We understand that all of us are given to temptation and all of us sin in one way or another. Your wife succumbed to her pride most likely, first and foremost. This seems to drive most WW more than anything else. You keep mentioning lust and that probably played a part too. These are temptations everyone faces. She failed hers. Christ teaches us to see others flaws through the lens of our own and realize we all fall short, just in different ways.

This does not mean you need to reconcile, I am not trying to convince you to reconsider D. Still, your pain seems like it is overwhelming your ability to think through your Christian lens; which is normal and expected early on. However, do you want to start grappling with this spiritually? Maybe you are too wounded right now and if so, that's a reasonable answer. However, at some point I would encourage you to step on that path. Actually, I hope that you already are on it with your IC. Listening to your STBXW may help you take another step forward. You said you'd forgive her eventually but that takes a lot of work to do. Perhaps listening could be part of that work?