SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't been here for a long time...

I discovered my WW's affair in July 2017 with a co-worker of hers.
We separated shortly after as there was no effort or attempt on her end to repair our marriage.

Fast Forward 4.5 years, WW and AP have had a tumultuous relationship.
Regular break-ups and getting back together (literally well over 20 times in the last few years)

They never ended up living together (as we have 2 kids and the lack of stability in the relationship would have been too much)
WW would have had to move in with him and therefore would have been in a difficult situation when they broke up again.

Most recently they broke up around the start of Feb - they both had COVID and had some falling out.
They reconciled a few weeks later (3-4 weeks ago)
He's been unwell since - Unsure if COVID related or not, but it's irrelevant.

He passed away on Saturday...

I really don't know how to feel about it all.
The ex has been absolutely awful to me over the last 5 years. Has made some terrible false accusations and has destroyed the relationship I have with my own father. She is completely unable to co-parent with me and continues to slander me to her friends 5 years on, when we literally never talk.

It's just a bit of a shock to me..
I know my kids will be upset, as even though he wasn't a good person (criminal convictions and poor morals) they liked him...
I'm upset for them, but it all seems somewhat anti-climatic if I'm honest..

I know a death is not nothing, but I guess I just expected it to end in disaster from a relationship point of view, but now, just like that, it's over...

Really don't know what to say...

I remember you Ozbetrayed. Your WW was really very cruel. Be there for your children. You have obviously been the stable influence in their lives. Continue to help them cope with their Mothers drama. Your ExWW will move on. She will find a new bf. Don’t expect her next bf to any more stable. She will continue to bad mouth you. She can’t face her own guilt and shame. Continue to gray rock and minimal contact as necessary. Be watchful for the new bf. Be there for your kids.

I am sorry your kids will be sad. And I am sorry you have to deal with this. It would seem like a BS would be not displeased to hear of the AP dying, but I’m sure it’s weirder than that.

Let whatever feelings happen, happen.
Take care of your kids and yourself.
Keep looking forward.

I think if this had happened a few years ago when things were still very raw, then I would have been pleased that AP had passed...

I moved on with my life and became indifferent to him.
In some regards, he did me a favour by giving me a tangible reason to leave her.
He brought forward the inevitable by a few years...

However, he certainly encouraged the disgusting behaviour of my ex with the children and the false accusations.
He knowingly allowed my ex to file a police report saying that I committed a break-in at her place when he knew that he did it. (Still to this day she turns a blind eye to this)
He allowed her to lie in affidavits after he told her I was stalking him and he allowed her to file more stalking charges for the same thing.
Fortunately all of these things were thrown out as they were all untrue, but he stood by and encouraged her to do these things, knowing that I was not guilty of any of them.
He also used his logins at the bank to breach my privacy and look at my bank accounts.

After about 18 months, I no longer hated him.
I felt sorry for him that he wound up with her.
I felt sorry for him that he couldn't trust her (this is what they fought about the most)
and I felt sorry for him that he was in such an unhealthy relationship.
I moved on with my life and I stopped being a victim. I made healthy choices and I made a choice to focus on being the best version of me that I could.

I didn't feel good or bad when he became sick and I don't feel good or bad now that he has passed.
It's an abrupt ending to a story which I expected to go on for a long time.

It's a very weird feeling.
It's almost like I'm a computer trying to process information given in another language.
I don't know how to feel, I don't know what to think...

It is certainly a weird feeling when this happens. It's not that I was happy, but really he meant nothing to me and at that point he was married to someone else so I'm not certain why my EXWW felt it necessary to inform me. Probably just the same crap where everything is about her. I'm sure she expected me to respond with condolences !

My ExWW won't actually inform me, even though they were still together and it affects the kids.

I have been informed by other people who know the situation.

That is poor parenting at it's finest, because obviously the children are going to talk to me about it and to expect me to be able to support the children when trying to process that shocking news at the same time is clearly idiotic...

Fortunately, I do know already, so it's not an issue and I will be equipped to support the kids when I see them next.

ExWW has zero concept that the children will have a completely different conversation with me compared to her on the same issue.
They will feel obliged to comfort her, but they will feel comfortable expressing how they feel directly to me.
They won't want to burden her with their feelings (ridiculous I know, but that's how it is)

I moved on with my life and became indifferent to him.

Be indifferent.
That’s OK.
I guess that’s where the problem you think you have stems from. You think his passing has to have some emotional effect on you. That’s what we expect. Maybe even some guilt because you think you would have celebrated his passing a couple of years ago, now you feel… indifferent.

IMHO all "untimely" deaths are sorrowful. If the OM wasn’t old, in relative good health and all that and the passing was unexpected then it’s a different emotion than if he had been passing 80 years and/or an obese alcoholic smoker. But they do happen. It’s OK to spend maybe a minute or two to contemplate what happened, that persons role in your life and how it might impact you and those near you. Then it’s OK to simply move on…

It's OK for you to think "mehh…" and move on. Don’t need to feel sad nor happy. Shit happens. Be indifferent.

Definitely be there for your kids. I would be open to helping them buy a wreath or send their mom a card or flowers or whatever is traditional in your neck of the woods. But as far as the death of that person – other than effects on the kids… indifferent. You don’t have to feel anything about it.

Yeah..

You're right.
I expected to feel something... Happiness, sadness, just something
I feel nothing really.

He was 38 and I guess otherwise healthy..

I "feel bad" for the ex in the way that I would feel bad for anybody that I don't know in her situation, but I literally feel nothing else... No actual sadness for her like I would someone I care about.

I guess my only sadness is that it ended suddenly like this, unexpected.
It's just not an outcome I ever considered.

..hey...Oz, you and I are among a very small and select number of members here who have dealt with the death of the AP at some point. Googled his name and his obituary popped up! Was I happy about it??

"YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS, YOUR BOOTS, YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR I WAS HAPPY ABOUT IT....I'M STILL FUCKING HAPPY ABOUT IT AND IT WAS 16 YEARS AGO ON APRIL 18, 2006.
He was 57.

I'm the guy here who visits the little fucker's grave when I'm in Toronto to give his final resting place a golden shower and a little dance.

I still maintain the belief that his inoperable brain tumor began to grow the day he first betrayed me... you can read the story in my profile if you want more of my story.

Dead APs???? good riddance

smy

Oz,

Well in the case of OM3, I was kinda bummed as I never got to confront him, I did let my W know his kids and grand kids were now alternates.

I think indifference is the best thing. My FWW's AP died seven years after her A. I felt bad for his young son who I'm sure was unaware of what a POS he was and loved him like most sons love their fathers. But I had no feeling toward him at all.

Even though I was indifferent I was reminded in his death that he was, as a matter of fact, a POS. His X, who had D'd him prior to my FWW's A, showed up on the web forum we frequent to announce his death. It was clear that even though she was remarried she was in at least an EA with him.

My only other feeling was a deep sadness that people can be so selfish and reckless with their limited time on this planet that they do such damage to the lives of others.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 9:09 PM, Monday, March 21st]

Somanyyears, I read your profile and I must say I was shocked with the level of hatred and anger that you still hold...

Yes, this man betrayed you, but so did your wife.
You wife betrayed you more than that man ever did...

Sure, you have the right to be angry, but you've been angry for over 20 years...
I couldn't imagine living with that level of negative energy consuming me so much...

For most people, time heals a lot.
Never forgotten, but healed - like skin, functioning but with a scar that will always remind you what happened and what not to do again...

I really feel for you, but I really believe you need some serious work
Long term intensive counselling.
It cannot be healthy to live like you do.

Surely you would want to be at peace rather than carrying around the weight of anger and resentment?

Please understand it's not a judgement or criticism, but a genuine concern for how you are letting this ruin the last few years of your life...
Why die angry and bitter when you can die happy and at peace?

My WW's AP died a year or two ago. I never saw him, so I wouldn't know who he was if I ever tripped over him.

I can't say that I'm 100% 'meh', but pretty close. The guy obviously had no issue taking up with a married woman, regardless if she pursued or not. He didn't know me personally one bit, but that didn't stop him from interfering in my life. He's fine with any punishment that he receives, in my opinion.

But in the other sense, I don't really put much energy into it. I found, and redefined my personal values after Dday. My WW can mourn over the loss of him all that she wants--she can simply do it as a divorced woman. And that's exactly what it would have been if that was the case. She knows her errors of the past, and she knows she never wants to be that person again. It is now a part of our past together....along with ALL of our other good and bad memories.

..Hi Oz,

Just logged in and found your post. Sorry it took so long to respond.

First, I must thank you for your kind and considered advice. Just taking the time to read my long story deserves credit, so, thanks for that.

As for hating him, how much and for how long... there are no limits. But it doesn't weigh me down. Quite the contrary. More like it gives me a BIG Cheshire Cat's grin. If he was still alive??? well that would piss me off to no end...I would be thinking about killing the bastard...ALL the TIME!!!

So, I am at peace just knowing that he got the appropriate sentence... doled out by the BIG MAN upstairs.

On the topic of therapy... this late in the game... I wouldn't waste my time or money trying to find a way NOT to hate this total piece of shit. My hatred gives me strength... he earned my hatred and he knew it the day I spit in his face and told him if had owned a gun, I'd have killed him right there.

Please believe me when I tell you I am happy with the life I have now and we have much to be still happy about...eg. our first grandchild.

So Oz, no need to feel sorry for me. I'm OK. It's you I'm worried about!!

Take good care of yourself and I hope you got your shots (Covid vax)

smy

Oz, you are a kind hearted man. You don’t have to celebrate or feel sad. All you need is to support your kids.

Nor should you feel sorry for your ex, she made her choices.

All the best

If my wife's ex AP died, I'd wish he was burried next to SMY's wife's ex AP. Then I could give him a golden shower and do a jig with SMY. I guess it must be a Canadian thing we do lol
We're Canadian, it's been told we're the nicest people on the planet. We don't need therapy.

78, smy, oz,

Enjoying the fact that one's WS's ap died young doesn't trouble me, and I expect you know I'm pretty sensitive to the ways we hurt ourselves. My reco is to feel what you feel.

That's based on living 77 years and gaining at least some wisdom along the way. Based on my experience as a BS, I'd probably smile myself if I heard ap had died. Hell, I smile when I remember that my W went NC on ap's b'day.

Oz - you're a good man. I hope you continue with the positive energy despite the crappy context of the A.

Having said that, I would probably be with our pair of Canadian cousins that have posted about their actual and would-be glee. I don't think it is that I stew over what happened specifically - I think it is that there are certain behaviors that can NEVER be made up for, no matter how much remorse or contrition is displayed by the perpetrator. At some point, the victims just have to move on. I am at a point in my life where that just pisses me off. It has even led to a crisis of faith for me.

But reading a post like yours helps to me center again. My dear mother used to remind me in my intemperate youth - my fury is poison in my own blood, not my oppressor's blood.

I know my kids will be upset, as even though he wasn't a good person (criminal convictions and poor morals) they liked him...

Criminal convictions and poor morals?

Add also that he knew children were involved with a situation he knew was flat-out wrong and would cause them emotionally-scarring trauma - and he didn’t give a fuck, because his ego comes first!

They "liked" him because their young minds were manipulated into liking a convicted criminal who helped destroy their family and who didn’t give a shit about them - and that itself is hard emotional abuse.

You don’t have to celebrate in any way, but you should feel the satisfaction that the world is just a little bit better with one less worthless POS that doesn’t give a fuck about hurting young kids.

How anyone, knowing that their behavior and actions are going to cause children incredible emotional trauma, pain, and fear, can make the conscious decision to say "Fuck it, I’m doing it anyway", is beyond rational comprehension.

I’ll say it for you: Fuck him and good riddance from society.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 9:50 PM, Sunday, March 27th]