SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would rather live in a one bedroom apartment in peace and happiness than in a mansion in the marriage you describe.

I have learned after downsizing from a 3500 ft house to a 400 ft RV that we don’t need much to be happy in life.

Time spent in peace is the richest you can ever get. What is a mansion without personal peace? Not to mention holding yourself back from a fulfilling relationship.

Simple life is not purgatory. Being in a mansion with someone who reminds you daily how alone you are is purgatory.

You are locked in a prison to which you have a key. You are not too old and it’s not too late.

Duplicate post

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:32 PM, Wednesday, June 1st]

[This message edited by ramius at 1:32 AM, June 2nd (Thursday)]

I’m just curious how long it’s been since you wanted to touch you W. I know you say you can’t remember but is it weeks months years? I find myself in a situation in my M where sex has fallen off the map. In my situation I feel as if it’s temporary. My W isn’t initiating sex and I just don’t feel like making the first move.

I’ve heard it referenced several times on SI about old men living alone in one bedroom apartments. I would imagine those men are very happy, free to what ever they want. Material things only go so far towards happiness.
As an adult I moved to take a job at Yellowstone I left my home in MA and drove across the country with a pick up and duffel bag. I lived in a tiny apartment with a roommate and no money. To this day it is still the best experience of my life. The area of the country was amazing, the people I met I will never forget them. There’s a life out there if you’re unhappy

On the flip side I do understand the fear of losing all you’ve worked for. If I D I won’t be able to stay in my marital home unless I finance more than I am willing to. I loved this home before the A but not I’m starting to feel as if I left it may be liberating.

Dude67

this may seem funny but to answer your question, I really believe she does love me and doesn't want to lose me. I really think she wanted her cake and to eat it to. Her friend once told me that my wife had no intention of leaving me, it was just all about the sex. Like that was suppose to make me feel better.

99 - does your WW want to have sex with you and it’s you just not wanting to have sex with her?

Dude

she says she does but offers no sign of ever wanting it. Like I said in other post, all during our marriage she would tell me I married the wrong woman as she wasn't really into sex and trying new things. If we did it once every 3 months i was lucky and she was fine with that. With him however, she would go to his house 3 to 4 times a week just for sex. She claims it was nothing special but as he told me, once they did it she was like a dog in heat looking for it over and over. So basically I feel like he is the one she wants and I'm just there for convienence so it's hard to get anything going when I think she is not into me.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 5:35 PM, Thursday, June 2nd]

Brew

Actually it's been a while I really cannot remember. Maybe last year some time. It's been awhile since she asked so I just let her alone. I feel she's happier if I don't bother her about it since I'm not him. When she was going through this, she was talking to her niece about this and her niece told me she said some disgusting things. One of them was that when she had sex with me she just laid there and waited til it was over but with him it was great. Of course when I confronted her with this she said she never said that however I have told her that by us not having sex she doesn't have to suffer and lay there and wait til its over. she just walks away when i say those things.

I can be a bit of an asshole.

Hmmmm…….you hit the lotto and she still gets half.

That would really irk me!

1rstwife,

this wouldn't bother me in the least. In fact, if I could get out, I'd give her 90% as long as I had enough to live off of the rest of my life.

Right there with you 99.

Pretty much my entire marriage was me always initiating sex, with not quite an enthusiastic partner. She only initiated when she was trying to get pregnant, which then made it seem clinical. She used the excuse of body image issues and I discovered a "Love Dare" diary that had one task was to meet your spouse at the door after work and make mad passionate love. Her comment for that task was she felt self conscious about her body and since she really didn't miss the sex why do it? That entry was about 5 years before her A. Fast forward to the eve of her affair, our 2016 New Year's resolutions was to be more intimate and join a gym to get in shape. I followed through with it while she decided to cheat. I remember one morning starting to have sex with her, and her just laying there like a mannequin (apparently she had already gone physical with AP, unbeknownst to me). I stopped, confused, and went on to work. Her AP got a more enthusiastic sex partner than I ever had. And the vulgar texts he sent to her and she lapped up (from a supposedly "Christian" self righteous women, who would have slapped me if I said those things to her). She was ready and willing at his beckon call to be his cum dumpster while shutting me out. The clincher? She claimed to the MC that I wasn't giving her enough sex!

Even though we are together, my sexual attraction to her has waned because of now knowing all the things she did and he said to her (from my discoveries post Dday, not her confessions). And I never had body image issues of her before, but now I see his fat sweaty body between her legs (yes, pics I discovered) and I can never see her the same, beautiful sexy women she once was. She still doesn't initiate and I have no desire for her, so here we are.

Knitaknee

couldn't have said it better myself

Your WW obviously loves sex, the A proving that definitively. So now she’s happy not having any sex at all? Doesn’t really square IMO. Are you sure she’s not having another A? If not, where is she getting her sexual gratification from?

If you don’t want to D because of the money issue, I think someone said you should potentially explore opening up the relationship. Your goal is to stay married because of money so what is repugnant to you about exploring that option?

Since you’re not sexually attracted to your WW, and if you’re upfront about wanting to have sex with other women, what is the downside for you? Your WW will either say OK, no, or try her hardest to fix things sexually in your relationship. I mean she’s the one who broke the sexual aspect of relationship.

If your post is simply a vent where you have no intention of bettering your situation then that’s totally fine. However, if your post represents you looking around for a solution, then I think you should find a solution ASAP.

I guess I wasn't really clear, wasn't looking for a solution perse , I was just wondering if other people felt the same way. I'm also not looking for an open marriage. she knows if she does it again, i'm gone. I also asked her when this first happened if she wanted an open marriage so she could keep seeing him and she looked at me as if I had 4 heads and asked if I was crazy.

again, I wasn't really looking for answers, more just to see if anyone else felt the same way. I know more than anyone what my options are and I made my choices. You can all say that living dead broke in a shack is better than keeping your stuff and living like roommates but I guess I disagree. thanks

You can all say that living dead broke in a shack is better than keeping your stuff and living like roommates but I guess I disagree. thanks

I think several posters gave some extreme examples while trying to make a point. I'm right there with you in not wanting to live in an RV or even an apartment, but neither should be necessary in your case. You definitely should be able to keep a good standard of living in spite of divorce. I recommend consulting with a good attorney (not just chatting with lawyer friends about the worst cases they ever saw), spelling out your financial situation, and making plans for what your standard of living can REALLY be (not just the worst case scenario you imagine) after divorce. You might be pleasantly surprised at how well it can go for you. I've read many posts from men on this site who left their cheating wives and are doing quite well for themselves financially afterwards, living in homes and not taken to the cleaners.

I wonder if it's emotions as much as finances that make you afraid to divorce your wife, if you're still unwilling to leave her for other reasons besides money. When people refuse to take even those initial steps towards divorce such as an attorney consultation, emotional ties are usually the reason. Money is a lot easier to work with than breaking the emotional ties.

she was talking to her niece about this and her niece told me she said some disgusting things. One of them was that when she had sex with me she just laid there and waited til it was over but with him it was great. Of course when I confronted her with this she said she never said that however I have told her that by us not having sex she doesn't have to suffer and lay there and wait til its over. she just walks away when i say those things.

Wow, this is definitely not a healthy situation. You should get out. Your life can be so much better, with her gone.

[This message edited by morningglory at 5:00 PM, Friday, June 3rd]

99 - what about my question about your WWs sexual desires. She had an A for sex only, so she obviously enjoys sex, just not with you it appears.

What is your WW doing to satisfy her sexual needs? I ask because it’s not logical to assume that she’s not cheating, unless she now no longer likes sex with other men as she did before. So, are you saying that your WW is satisfied staying in a sexless M?

It’s just a terrible way for you to live. However, if money is the number one thing in life which gives you joy and purpose then I guess it’s not so terrible after all.

Sounds like you’re in an 11-99 situation.

You’re WW has desecrated what was once sacred. Her body, your marriage and the reverence and specialness you once had or thought you had. Her profound actions of betrayal speak volumes that her current reconciliatory actions will take years to transcend.

I too was well invested in my marriage of 20 plus years, with pre-teen kids, mortgage, etc, etc, and I was about your age when I divorced and…

It was the best move I ever made. Looking back, I wished I did it sooner rather than waste 18 months in false R.

I’m now remarried with a beautiful woman who has completely taken my mind off the past.

Another thing, when people affair, they affair down in every way. They do things with their AP that they would never do with their spouses. They’ve jumped head first into depravity, and they really just go All-In. They’re completely out of character and venture into areas of sexuality they would never dare attempt with their spouses. In the affair bubble there are no boundaries, no judgments, no expectations. They get to completely reinvent themselves, role play and break out of their wifely Madonna matriarch frumpy minivan soccer mom molds and walk on the wild side.

A husband of 20 plus years can’t possibly ever compete with the hyped, illicit and elusive, Phantasmic, forbidden fruit Affair Fog and Affair bubble.

You could be John Holms and Denzel Washington all rolled up into a Nicholas Sparks novel and not compete with the fantastical boundless risqué nature of a torrid adrenaline fueled dangerous liaison. Not a fucking chance.

So don’t you ever compare yourself negatively to the AP in any way. APs don’t exist in the real world like husbands and wives must.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:29 PM, Friday, June 3rd]

So, 99 your situation is your WW doesn't want to have sex with you and you won't divorce her because of money. Nothing in your situation is going to change. Do you plan on staying in that situation for the rest of your life or are you waiting for her to make a move?
She isn't going to change because she knows you could have divorced her and refused to for money reasons. You value money over sex and love. I hate to say it, she will probably eventually cheat again to force your hand, because your threat of divorce is empty. She didn't change, so you accepted things going backward to being even worse than before the affair. It is a matter of time before she again decides someone else will love her how you can't. Because she won't see what she did wrong. She broke the marriage and is white knuckling until she cheats or divorces you.
So, when you become retired, what will you do then? Still stay as room mates?

*edited for grammar and accuracy*

(When I post it's therapeutic and so sometimes I unintentionally stray from the topic. My apologies OP.)

My W treated me with contempt for just about 20 years, which was our whole marriage. This included her being a sexual prude with me 24/7, in spite of my patience and loving communication with her that I needed more than sexual "table scraps".

Later, I discovered that while she ignored my needs she was okay with behaving as a sexual vixen with other men giving them what I was denied.

To give you a bit more perspective: She admitted to me after DD(v.2019) that she'd withheld affection because she didn't think I deserved it, she was disappointed or angry, etc. I think the only reason she admitted to any of that was because she believed I was sympathetic to what she saw as good reasons for withholding from me our whole marriage.

This can only be seen one way by me: she didn't (and still doesn't) see me as good enough for her sexual best or genuine desire. Sure, since DD she gives me far more effort than ever before. The caveat is that the effort I now receive isn't genuine nor from a place a desire as it was with the other men. It comes from a place of duty and/or fear of me leaving her now that I know that her almost two decades of excuses were fabrications to limit my sexual gratification. Basically, it's all transactional for her now.

With that said. She has a great body, dreads me leaving/feels obligated to give it up and I have a strong labido. So sex happens regularly. More regularly than during our first month of marriage.

Honestly, it sucks. Before DD every intimate moment was a reason for me to feel a genuine connection with her. Sex was never about just "banging it out". I loved her, was in love with her and wanted our relationship to flourish. I believed all of her excuses for being frigid and prudeish. I didn't allow any perceived shortcomings to affect my love for her. There was a point where I began to believe she was asexual and any intimacy at all was a positive.

Now?

Knowing the real story of how she felt about me while being more sexually explorative with others combined with a continued lack of authenticity gives me nothing to connect with emotionally. So sex has become more about release for me than anything else. When we have sex I see it for what it is and nothing more. She does it because she feels obligated to or when she wants validation and I do it because I refuse to step out to have my physical needs met. For me to believe it's more than that would be foolish.

Admittedly, as time goes on I'm recognize that despite my healthy labido my sexual desire for her is trending downward. The lack of an emotional connection and knowing it's duty sex for her has robbed the most valued joy I once found in sex. I suppose a man who's honest with himself in my situation gets tired of feeling like a prison warden.

I've not closed the door on us having an emotional connection one day but it will, above all else, require that she first be authentic and completely honest with me. The very thing she's denied me. The intrinsic problem with that is that I believe her authentic and honest view is that she deserves better than me and doesn't actually have romantic love for me. At most, I think she has "father of my children" -love. If that's true, that's one hell of a catch 22 for sex ever being about more than a release.

[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 6:17 PM, Saturday, June 4th]

NotMyFirstRodeo

wow, I see alot of myself in that. After my DD, I guess we had what they call Hyper sex or whatever. I didn't care for her and I was basically using her. But as time went on, I just lost any sort of feeling sexually for her knowing that he was the one who got what I always wanted and that was for her to be with me like she was with him. I can't be with someone who is only going through the motions. I always say to her that she use to tell me that I married the wrong woman as she wasn't into sex like me. I now tell her no I married the right kind of woman who was into sex , it just wasn't with me.