SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello, and I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July with their families, loved ones, and significant others. Mine was okay, could be better, could be worse, but I am happy to report that I was able to finally get to the shore for the first time in nearly 2 years. I went with R and while he was his usual grumpy farty old self at times, haha, I still enjoyed myself and the beach, so I am glad I went. I've spent this week mostly by myself, which is fine, because it's given me time getting caught up on cleaning and increasing my time taking runs and swimming at the gym.

Lol this isn't a big deal, just a funny little side note, but lately it seems like my friend likes to tease me and call me chicken when I do not meet up with her for the many invites she's given me to go with her to bars, outings, events to meet people, etc. She will make a joke about it with a funny face emoji and then if I explain myself and why I can't see myself going there, she'll simply text a picture of a chicken like this one 🐔 followed by "lol". The chicken texts are becoming more frequent. It is kind of funny and the 🐔 emoji is cute, but why does she keep sending it to me? Do you think she's just playing around with me, or do you think she's actually angry with me but hiding her anger behind funny emojis? At one point she got snippy with me and told me "fine, don't accept my invite, but nothing in your life will get better if you don't make some changes". She also posted some quote about insanity being "doing the same thing again and again but expecting something better to happen" or something like that. Am I being unreasonable by not going out? I feel shy and like I don't look my best these days, which has me feeling a bit intimidated honestly at the idea of going somewhere where there's going to be single men. Also, I still feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea of going somewhere when I just went to the shore with R (although this friend has been trying to take me out for months now, before R and I went to his shore house last weekend), and knowing she's married (although she says she's moreso looking to go to be my "wingwoman" to help me). Meanwhile, three other friends of mine (also females I met at work, recently or in past years) haven't bothered to text me recently. I had gone out a few times to clubs with them too, as I had with my "chicken sender" friend last fall. I'm assuming they're probably on vacation or just busy with their families. Do you think my friend is secretly mad at me, or should I not worry about it and continue on the way I've been doing?

She might just be teasing you, or she might really want company on her outings and be disappointed that you’re not joining her and dealing with it in a passive aggressive way. I think it’s impossible for an outsider to know what is motivating her texts. If you care about the friendship, go out for coffee or a walk or whatever and have a real talk with her about it. It sounds like she’s worried about you not having enough fun and not making changes she feels you need to make. Have a real talk about that, and have a real talk about how you feel about going out to bars, and how you feel about the chicken emojis. Or, when she suggests a bar, tell her that’s not appealing to you, and come up with another fun option for the two of you to hang out.

Thank you for your response and advice. I'm not much of a coffee drinker, but I will keep this in mind. I should probably hang out with her again soon. I do worry that she sounds busy, given that she's been jobsearching and interviewing for a new job after she quit her teaching job at the same school district I work for, plus she's married with two kids, one who was born just last year. I did hang out with her twice in the last year, so it's not like I never see her. When she wanted me to go to strip clubs with her and her other friend, I kept finding ways to get out of going and eventually I did tell her I am not interested in that, so she doesn't ask me to go anymore, but she will sometimes text me pictures of male strippers she found online (they are admittedly very handsome and sexy, that I give her credit) along with the chicken emoji. (She only went to a club one time and hasn't been back since but she still likes to joke about strippers to me)

I don't think your friend is angry at you; I think she she cares about you a great deal and she doesn't want you to continue floundering in a dead-end relationship. If she's frustrated, it's because she actually wants you to do something instead of just complaining. Sending you chicken emojis is just her playful way of pointing out that the only thing that is holding you back from exploring possibilities beyond this relationship is fear.

The trouble is, even if you go out with your friend with the purpose of meeting men, as long as you're still in a pseudo-relationship with R, all you're going to do is compare every man you meet with him, and they will inevitably fall up short. Perhaps an even worse possibility is that you will get involved with the wrong person just to have a soft place to land after breaking up with him or break someone's heart by running back to R the minute he crooks his finger at you.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't take your friend's advice and get out there. R is used to having you at his beck and call. You make him a priority, he makes you an option. So even if you're not quite ready to dump him just yet, I think you should at least relegate him to the backburner. If bars and clubs aren't your scene, go to concerts or shows. Take dancing lessons. Take up a new hobby. Try going to events and doing different things that aren't explicitly centered on meeting men. If you meet someone you like, great. If you notice men taking an interest in you, great... that's good for your self-esteem. The ultimate goal is to create a full and active life that isn't centered around R, and build your confidence up to the point where you don't feel like he is your best and only option.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:21 PM, Friday, July 8th]

I think your friend is trying to expand your horizons and get you out meeting people. Fun people. Different people.

She may see your relationship with your guy for exactly what is - and maybe she wants better for you.

I wasn’t sure from your post if this was strip club friend or not.

I think it’s fine to say that strip clubs aren’t your thing, and if you’re truly happy with the status quo and aren’t interested in getting out there and meeting people, tell her that directly and suggest another fun, friendship building activity to do together. It sounds from your posts like you need friends, and if you like her and she’s reaching out, appreciate that and respond.

Also, she may not be proposing activities that you are open to, but it sounds like you’ve told her about your very real troubles with R and your difficulties at work, and she’s pushing you to stop treading water, try something different, and get out there and have some fun. That’s not a bad thing, and she may have a point. I’m a teacher too; I know what a brutal gig it is. Take advantage of the summer—you did that with going to the beach; now take the chance to grow some other social relationships. (I’m preaching to myself here too).

Yes, she's the same friend who invited me to the make strip club with her. She hasn't mentioned it or asked me again after that one time she went without me.

There's nothing preventing you from offering an alternate activity. And she's right in that if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. So what is the harm in proposing something like, "Strip clubs aren't necessarily appealing to me--why don't we check out the margaritas at XYZ instead?"

Maybe getting outside your comfort zone will be good for you in many ways.

Cat