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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Reconciliation :
Other Peoples Affairs causing tension

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 HurtingHeartA (original poster new member #69588) posted at 7:33 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Wondering if anyone can relate to this….

My husband recently told me about two coworkers who were having an affair with each other… while I appreciate the honestly from him and him being open and honest about the happenings at his work it caused major tension between us.

Him telling me the story triggered me I think… I told
Him I thought the people were disgusting and hearing things about his coworkers makes me question the morals of the people who work there. He works for a huge company with hundreds of staff and there seems be affairs all the time. I can’t relate as I work for a small company with no men so there is nothing ever like that happening around me.

I wonder for him if it feels less shocking because he has cheated, because it happens so much. But for whatever the reason it doesn’t seem to bother him like it does me. He always says it’s other peoples lives not ours. Which I get but it still bugs me.

In general, since the affair, how do others handle hearing about other peoples affairs? Especially people you know.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8756412
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 8:20 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

My story is on my page. I have ended up finding out about 3 affairs aside from my wife's. I will say those affairs were generally "worse" than my WW's, and they contributed to her minimizing. The normalization of cheating is a big risk factor for cheating.

I also recently found out my best friend was cheating on his wife, which isn't a huge surprise since he had a history of cheating before marriage (that his wife was aware of before they got married), but still really disappointing. He thought I might want to cut him out of my life based on my experience and stance on infidelity. I said something like, "If I cut everyone out of my life that cheated or condoned cheating, I'd be out of people." Well, I'm sure some folks here would argue that exactly what I ought to do, but it isn't.

Before I got cheated on, several of my friends were prolific cheaters or otherwise just kinda dirtbags, which isn't "unusual" overall. I was, and am, able to realize that just being dirtbags as it relates to fidelity and sex doesn't mean the person is otherwise bad to have in my life in some way. That said, I will no longer stand by idly if I'm in possession of knowledge about an A. If you go back and do a search you can see me talk about this to some degree in a few threads where my wife tried to derogatorily call me "Captain Infidelity" as I revealed those three affairs, but I just kind of like the title now. If it is vaguely my business, I'll tell the BS.

So the idea that I might want to engage in anything vaguely close to work gossip about an A, without actually revealing that A to the BS is extremely unlikely. I would either be so detached from the person that I wouldn't care to talk about it, or I would do something about it.

Likewise, if my wife were to bother bringing up an A to me, she knows the first question I'm going to ask is something like "How well do you know this person? Does their spouse know? (etc.)" and for that reason, if it really was "none of her business" she wouldn't bother telling me about it. It would be like telling someone you know is a police officer that you saw a stabbing, then said, "Well I don't want to get involved as a witness, I just thought it was an interesting story."

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2173   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8756419
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:29 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

We were discussing my mom the other day. In the 10 years before she passed,she was the OW. The OM was here,working,and had been for many many years,while his wife lived in Mexico with their kids, and they visited each other. I told him it always upset me,and clearly it wasn't something mom was proud of, because she's not the one who told me about any of it. He actually said to be he didn't judge my mom,or the man, because he didn't know what the deal really was. Maybe his wife was ok with it,etc.

Hhhm. Yeah.

I said adultery is adultery, and I didn't think the wife knew for a variety of reasons. He said it wasn't his business, or his place to judge, so he didn't really have an opinion.

As a man who cheated on his wife,and has been supposedly remorseful,and knows the damage of affairs, this has caused me to be upset. Greatly. It ticked my long dormat spidy sense.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:30 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

posts: 4854   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8756421
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 9:40 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

I always tell her how disgusting the cheater is. We discuss things I read here on SI and ask her take on it. Over time I have seen a shift in her thinking from, that’s their business, to OMG that’s a terrible road to travel.

Her really good friend is in a dead M. Her H will not do anything but work and play on his phone in front of the TV. She told my W she went to lunch with a guy friend, H friend also, but didn’t tell her H. My W told her if it’s a friend and there’s nothing to hide she needs to tell her H. She said this can get really bad really quick, especially if you are discussing your M with the guy. Long story short she told her H about lunch and he didn’t care because they all ride motorcycles together and it’s not that unusual.

It showed me that my W wanted to protect someone from the hell she put me and herself through.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 2007   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8756432
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:04 PM on Monday, October 3rd, 2022

In general, since the affair, how do others handle hearing about other peoples affairs? Especially people you know.

I had to think on this one...but I don't believe I have known anyone who had an A since Dday. There have been a few M's that have broken up in the 8 years since Dday...but if it was from an A...no one spoke about it.

I don't work outside of the home...and my H is self employed now...so he isn't in an office setting anymore. When he was though...BEFORE his A...he couldn't stand the cheaters at his workplace. He still felt the same AFTER his A...but he would hang his head when he would tell me that he was now part of THAT club. He became what he abhorred.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6324   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8758050
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EmbraceTheChange ( member #43247) posted at 10:30 PM on Monday, October 3rd, 2022

There is a definite change, from before the affair to after.

Before, I would just say comforting words (which were platitudes, more than anything else) because I had no clue what to say. Also I was very much "silver lining" and all that, like "he was only a cheater, best life for you ahead!".

Since my husband affair, I have had 2 friends who got cheated on by their husbands. It brings me back to dday, it brings me back to feeling absolutely gutted and helpless. I literally get nightmares over it. It affects me A LOT. But I hold their hands and tell them that whatever they are feeling is normal. I also tell them it's a process, you don't just stop loving somebody because they cheated on you (which is what I assumed before), you need to take steps to make that happen. And I also tell them it's also a grieving process. Because you do grieve. And divorce is not an everyday occurrence neither, like some people make it sound.

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination

posts: 1251   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Near Fort Worth, TX
id 8758107
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numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 2:53 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

He always says it’s other peoples lives not ours.

Is it really that simple? I doubt that very much. Your lives do have infidelity in them and you know the pain that brings to the BS. Sorry, after you've been cheated on any infidelity information from literally anywhere can trigger you.

Did he at least help you through the trigger? I hope it was more than "that's them, but not me . . .anymore."

I think you are looking for understanding. He was just looking to normalize his behavior some. It clearly wasn't shared to heal you.

I am sorry infidelity is everywhere and learning to self soothe can be a hard hill to climb. If your WS isn't supporting you through triggers in general much less ones he creates himself.

He needs to do a better job of helping you deal with what he brought into your life versus saying , "Look I am not so bad. . . they did it too." He missed the msrk by a mile here.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5067   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8758295
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 7:44 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

Yes, I get triggered by this stuff too. My husband also works at a place where affairs are at least somewhat common. When we moved here a decade ago we were good friends with three couples, with all of the husbands working where my husband does. In that time frame, three of the four men have cheated on their wives, including my husband. Half of the people in my husband’s department have had workplace or industry affairs.

I’m a teacher. I’ve never known of anyone in my workplace having an affair. I guess where there’s a will there’s a way, but I barely have time to breathe, eat or pee. It’s not like i have time to sit around and chat up my colleagues. Many encounters in my husband’s line of work are little more than intellectual circle jerks where everyone is super into how smart and free thinking they are. I would say the average teacher is a rule follower, where the average person in my husband’s profession sees themself as above the rules. Pretty sure my husband’s affair partner sees me as dumb little teacher mom, not worthy of the same respect as extra special smart important humans like her.

So yeah, I get triggered. Can you tell? 😂

I sometimes get caught in a comparison trap where I beat myself up for being so devastated by my husband’s affair. After all, he’s not like friend one’s husband, who doubled down on 15 years of being a self absorbed a-hole by cheating with a 20 year old. And I’m not in friend two’s situation, where she barely survived cancer and bunches of horrific treatments only to have her husband exit affair her with a coworker. Nor am i friend three, whose husband pathologically hid a long term affair and then financially screwed her in the divorce when things came out.

Being able to differentiate between different people in different situations is valuable, and having some level of perspective and ability to count your blessings is helpful. But other people’s affairs are going to be triggering, because despite varying degrees of betrayal and fallout, all affairs have a glaring commonality: one person decided their desires mattered more than commitment, fair treatment, honesty, or true partnership. One person decided they mattered more than their partner, and that they were going to unilaterally call the most devastating possible shots.

Your husband’s “their life, not ours” approach shows he’s not attuned to the fact that he is connected to those people by a similar selfishness: the selfishness he shares with everyone who decides to step out on their spouse. He may need to work on that, and he definitely needs to be more sensitive to you.

[This message edited by Grieving at 8:01 PM, Wednesday, October 5th]

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020. DD2: 7/3/2020. Reconciling

posts: 276   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8758325
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