SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good Afternoon to you all,

I've posted in here a couple of times. I'm only a couple months out from D-Day.

Both my WH and myself are in individual counseling. In this, both of our counselors are getting down to the deep, dark workings of WHY and WHO we are individually. In this, we have learned about our attachment theories. I am a dismissive-avoidant (DA), he is a Fearful/Anxious Avoidant (FA).

I'm learning about myself as a DA that I shut people out on purpose (feel trapped), due to how I was raised (we are thinking narcissist mother, haven't gotten to dad yet).I shut down quickly when triggered (learning my triggers). I shove down my emotions, as not to bother anyone else. I'm hyper-independent. I don't crave or need physical affection. I just assume others will let me down (cheat on me, which happened). I'm a people pleaser. These are just a FEW of the things I'm learning about myself. I avoid emotions at all costs.

Then there is my husband which is literally the complete opposite as an FA. From what I'm learning, we are magnets for one another, which equals a toxic, terrible relationship.

We are looking at starting marriage counseling soon, but thought that I'd ask in here to see if there are any FA/DA married folks that have positive stories to share.

Understanding yourself and your relationship is great.

You should not accept any blame or rationale that used your attachment style to explain your WH's cheating.

The "why" you need to figure out is "why" your husband gave himself permission to lie to you and cheat on you. Not a rationalization like "she shut me out". He could have chosen to do something other than cheat on you to deal with that issue. But he chose cheating. If he would choose that again in similar circumstances, you are unsafe in your relationship and R is impossible.

I know very little about attachment styles, but I know that one of the bonds between my W and me is that our go-to dysfunctions are compatible.

We have learned to overcome the relationship dysfunctions when the chips are down. We really want to be together, even though that means digging deep into ourselves and seeing a lot of what is in each of us. We'd rather change than split, so we have changed over the decades. We still bug each other. We still dodge some issues. But we get closer and closer to where we want to be as individuals.

For us the keys are, first, getting in touch with feelings so we know what to ask for when we're in crisis, and second, asking for what we want. That may not be intuitive, but it works.

IOW, you may be D/A, and he may be F/A, but you can change. It's not easy, and you'll keep falling back into old habits when stressed, but even gradual changes can be very gratifying. And make no mistake: you can change yourself.

If your WS wants to R, they can change, too - and if they won't, do you really want to be with them?

I'm anxious attachment, FWH is avoidant. We're doing ok. We've learned how to deal with it. He goes through cycles where he gets too close and has to shut down and pull away....which triggers the bejesus out of me. I've learned that if I don't get too clinging with him.....he leans in to close that gap. IC and MC say it is completely normal....most couples have a pursuer and one who pushes away. (And, I mean in non-toxic patterns). We've learned to make a game out of it and make it fun.

I am a BW and a DA. My H is FAA. So the personality traits and patterns you talk about are very familiar to me. We are working on how he can make me feel safe to open up when I withdraw and how I can be let that happen more easily so help with his anxious attachment style. Working with and EFT therapist has really help us with this. And we are making really good progress creating new healthier patterns to replace the old toxic ones. It is still a work in progress and we had to get more stable in general and individually after the initial year or so of shock and pain to be able to do this. Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight has also been very helpful.