SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Okay, so I started with a joke in the song (did you sing it to yourself?). And two posts in one day, sorry!

Keeping it simple. DDay was 8/27/22, so I'm fresh out of finding out for the second time that my husband cheated on me for a second time. First time was 3/14/18. Two totally different women.

How and when as the BS do you know when to have physical intimacy again? Or have sex??

Because right now all I can think of is how he did those things with other women. Cannot think of anything else right now. On top of that, he brought this last one to our home (which I wish I could burn down and move--not an option right now) since I haven't asked WHERE in our home they did the deed.

I've been reading comments on the WS forum and they're like "If she wasn't having sex with me I wouldn't be R" or "Not having sex or physical intimacy ____ months after DDay, there's something wrong".

Are there any other WS struggling with any type of intimacy, especially sex?

First, both of you need to be tested for stds,and wait for the results before considering having sex with him.

It's disturbing that he brought her into your home. That's something most cheaters wouldn't do. It shows a complete and total disregard for their BS.

I don't know what threads your are reading,but let's consider the examples you gave.

He has disrespected you,traumatized you,and has proven he is unsafe. It's normal to not want sex for a long time. If you have to have sex with someone who has treated you like this,to keep them in the marriage,or from having another affair, then he isn't reconciliation material.

And if any ws thinks something is wrong because a BS can't bring themselves to be vulnerable with them, after a few months have passed? Ummm..are they stupid? Of course something is wrong. They cheated and traumatized their spouse.

What work is your husband doing to become a safe partner?

At minimum..he should be..

Fully transparent. You get full access to all accounts, his phone etc. All passwords.

He answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness, or blame.

He is completely honest about everything.

He sends her a NC message,and blocks her.

He gets tested for stds.

He gets into IC to work on himself.

He removes all triggers possible.

And anything else you need to even consider reconciliation.

All you need to be doing is..getting tested..take care of yourself..and watch his actions.

Also..not all marriages can,or should be,saved. He's a serial cheater. You may want to consider your options. You gave him a chance before..and he rewarded you with another affair.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:39 PM, Tuesday, October 18th]

@Hellfire, thank you for your response!

He is doing all of the things you listed, and we have done the STD testing.

And as for the forums I found men/women saying those things was ON HERE. I'm as shocked as you are. Look on the WS threads.

We are both in IC and will be starting MC soon.

It's only been a little over a month since your last Dday. This man has cheated on you repeatedly, including through your pregnancies. He is lucky he is even allowed to sniff the same air as you. Sex should be completely off the table at this point.

He betrayed you, destroyed your friendships, crushed you emotionally, and put your health and the health of your unborn children at risk. If he finds temporary celibacy intolerable after all of that, save yourself the time, energy, and heartache of trying to reconcile and just file for divorce.

There's a few other things you need to consider as well.

If you live in a juridiction where fault-based divorce for adultery is recognized, or have a prenup or postnup with an infidelity clause, having sex with your spouse after Dday can jeopardize your case in the event of divorce because it is viewed as "forgiving" or "condoning" the affair.

Some STDs take up to 6 months to show up on an STD panel. Even if you had an STD test immediately after Dday, you would need a follow-up 6 months later for confirmation. Also, if your husband is a serial cheater, then you really have no reason to trust that, in the short-term, he's remaining faithful to you between testing. He's still working in the same office as one of his OW, for goodness sake.

Sex can prevent you from emotionally detaching from your WH and soberly assessing your WH's behavior and commitment to reconciliation. When you're in the after glow of intimacy, and your brain is being flooded with dopamine and bonding hormones, you're less able to see your situation for what is and more likely to see it for what you want or hope it will be.

As for him doing everything on Hellfire's list, it's too soon to tell. Many waywards treat reconciliation like a New Year's Diet... they do everything they're supposed to do for a couple of weeks before falling back into their usual habits and complacency. With a serial cheater like your husband, don't be surprised if, in a few weeks, he starts getting annoyed by your constant questions, your need to "spy" on him like a child, etc.

Hopefully it does come back for you. My desire to have sex with xWS came back after the initial D-Day, but after False R. It never came back. Sometimes the A is a dealbreaker. Take your time in healing and figuring out what YOU want for your future and happiness.

I think you have sex when you feel alright about it. I don't think anyone here can tell you when you'll feel ok with it. And, I also think it is ok if you dive in or don't.

For me, the idea of FWH having an A made him a stranger to me. So, in my mind, I justified it, when I was ready, as having sex with a stranger who just wanted to make me feel good. It felt like I was having sex with a stranger, almost like an affair.....but this stranger knew me well. I felt a bit of guilt over it. I also told him that was what was going on in my brain. It sort of weirdly helped me to see that IF things didn't work out with FWH....I wasn't actually dead from the neck down and could have physical intimacy. But, everyone is different. I didn't have sex with him to keep him from leaving R. I did it to just feel good. Honestly, it was one of the very few things that DID feel good post DDay. I was selfish for the first time in a long while.

There were flashbacks and mind movies....sometimes I had to just stop and leave the room. Sometimes it was fun....sometimes I cried. Once we got going, there was a far amount of HB. That didn't suck.

I'm sorry you're here. Take care of you. Be SELFISH. The rest will fall into place.

Are there any other WS struggling with any type of intimacy, especially sex

I’m having difficulty with intimacy and sex with my W. After HB things have slowly gone down hill for our sex life. I’m struggling to figure out why this is happening. I suspect it’s because my W put effort into the sex with the AP, she bought lingerie and rented hotel rooms but hasn’t put any effort into our post A sex life. When I asked why she won’t try she merely said sex has become such a big issue that she’s rather not try. I think this is just a BS excuse to avoid the after effects of the affair.
The lack of intimacy has made R nearly impossible for me.
I hope things improve for you and your H

I'm sorry you are having to deal with a second DDay and affair. Beyond the fact that it's your second DDay, and very recent, having intimacy issues is totally expected and normal. You don't feel safe with him. For obvious reasons.

I can't remember off hand, but it took months after DDay 2 to have sex again with my husband. And I cried EVERY time. For years. I'd say just in the past couple of months, I haven't had mind movies at some point. (We are 3y 4m post DDay 2 for reference.) And TBH, intimacy is still an issue for me. It's a different experience and I'm not sure we'll ever get back to where we were pre DDay2. My H was and is very understanding. He knows he made this proverbial bed and has made peace in letting me take the lead in that arena.

Have you ever listened to the Helping Couples Heal podcast? They just recently had on a guest who does sex therapy with their clients. It was reiterated that the relationship needs to be healing before the sex part can truly be addressed. You might listen to that episode.

Your body knows he is not safe. Hellfire listed the big important things that need to happen to even start mending your relationship, much less your sexual intimacy. Stefanie Carnes wrote a book called Courageous Love. It's like a workbook for couples dealing with betrayal and lists step by step ways to start healing. (Better used with therapists, but can be done on your own.) The VERY LAST CHAPTER is about sex. That's because everything else has to come before it. And if your spouse is not okay waiting on your healing and helping you heal? He's not interested in changing...

I'll say this . . . if a spouse who has cheated on you, gotten another woman pregnant, cheated on you while YOU were pregnant, had another affair after you gave the gift of reconciliation once . . . if this man can't wait however many months you need for physical intimacy, then what does that say about him?

Relationships are (supposed to be) a two-way street. Both partners have needs. That said, in a relationship that spans decades, there will naturally be times when intimacy lessens . . . pregnancy, illness, times of high stress. One of you may lose your libido or the physical ability to do certain acts. All that said, what's right for one couple is up to them. Both partners need to assess and negotiate their needs. It's rare for a couple to be exactly matched in all of their desires so you try to find a happy medium.

Of course, your most intimate partner wounding you traumatically certainly impacts your desire and ability to be intimate. That's natural, and a WS who's serious about restoring the relationship will understand that. They took the two-way street of the relationship and then dug a tunnel across enemy lines. So there are more pressing things than maintaining a steady flow of traffic. You need to fill in that tunnel first.