First, both of you need to be tested for stds,and wait for the results before considering having sex with him.
It's disturbing that he brought her into your home. That's something most cheaters wouldn't do. It shows a complete and total disregard for their BS.
I don't know what threads your are reading,but let's consider the examples you gave.
He has disrespected you,traumatized you,and has proven he is unsafe. It's normal to not want sex for a long time. If you have to have sex with someone who has treated you like this,to keep them in the marriage,or from having another affair, then he isn't reconciliation material.
And if any ws thinks something is wrong because a BS can't bring themselves to be vulnerable with them, after a few months have passed? Ummm..are they stupid? Of course something is wrong. They cheated and traumatized their spouse.
What work is your husband doing to become a safe partner?
At minimum..he should be..
Fully transparent. You get full access to all accounts, his phone etc. All passwords.
He answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness, or blame.
He is completely honest about everything.
He sends her a NC message,and blocks her.
He gets tested for stds.
He gets into IC to work on himself.
He removes all triggers possible.
And anything else you need to even consider reconciliation.
All you need to be doing is..getting tested..take care of yourself..and watch his actions.
Also..not all marriages can,or should be,saved. He's a serial cheater. You may want to consider your options. You gave him a chance before..and he rewarded you with another affair.
[This message edited by HellFire at 9:39 PM, Tuesday, October 18th]