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Reconciliation :
Are we over or can we overcome this?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 DayDreamBeliever (original poster member #82205) posted at 2:46 PM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2022

My husband was the wayward spouse I am the betrayed. My husband wants to reconcile whilst I am unsure. He asked if I wanted a kiss just now (we haven't kissed in 6 months) and I had this overwhelming feeling of not wanting to. I said no but now I'm wondering if this is normal or if this is a sign we are completely dead in the water. I did have the urge to sleep with him the other day but didn't act on it and the only intimacy we have is the odd cuddle as I don't know whether I want to reconcile or not. Part of me thinks we can't reconcile if there is no intimacy but after my internal reaction to being asked for a kiss I'm not sure we ever can be

[This message edited by DayDreamBeliever at 2:47 PM, Tuesday, October 25th]

posts: 64   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022
id 8762025
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 4:04 PM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2022

Welcome, and sorry that you found the need to be here. You will receive good support. You are not required to try to R. No WS is owed the opportunity to R. It is a gift offered by the BS.

Read in the healing library. A six months you are still very early in dealing with his betrayal. Take care of you. Your feelings of not wanting intimacy are totally normal. It is a real trauma. Moving forward you may find that your WH’s infidelity is a dealbreaker for you. That is okay. It is for many.

You say your WH’s wants to R. What has he done to deal with his brokenness that allowed to him to cheat? What actions has he taken? Trying to R is a hard road with many bumps, and not for the faint-hearted. Both partners have to be committed to doing the work. Still, no matter if your WH is totally committed and remorseful, you may still decide to D.

Always value yourself. Take care of your health and exercise. See an attorney to learn your rights.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3877   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8762038
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 4:52 PM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2022

Agreed with Fareast. Your aversion to physical intimacy is normal. What we refer to as "hysterical bonding" whereby physical intimacy is reestablished very early is normal too. There's no right or wrong way.

At six months out, you're unsure as to whether R is really for you, and that's as it should be. It takes time to decide whether your WS can make real and meaningful change and even if that's something you still want.

Don't feel rushed. Physical intimacy goes hand in hand with emotional intimacy for MANY people. If you WS has been unable to be vulnerable and empathetic or if you're just not ready for that, the physical stuff won't follow until it does.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7017   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8762051
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 12:40 PM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

First...WELCOME to the BEST club you NEVER wanted to be in smile . When I saw your username...I sang the song...thanks for that grin !!

The thing is...EVERY A is a dealbreaker. PERIOD. We all have to decide if we want to make a NEW deal...or keep the contract voided. In order for a new deal to work...BOTH parties have to agree to it. You don't have to make ANY decisions at this point...you just have to focus on HEALING smile .

Are we over or can we overcome this?

YES. The M y'all had is GONE...it won't ever come back crying . But that doesn't mean you can't have a MUCH better M smile . It takes TIME...and a lot of healing. The average time given on here is 2-5 years. It took me 7 years before I could say I was completely healed. Every day though I healed a little bit more...so what you are feeling NOW may not be how you are feeling in 6 months. This part depends on you.

At 6 months...the pain is still so RAW crying . It was around this time that I hit the ANGER phase...and that was so scary for me. I didn't know how to control this RAGE I started feeling at the drop of a hat look . When I did research on it...I found that anger is a secondary emotion...brought on by a primary emotion such as guilt...hurt...etc. Once I could find the primary emotion and work on that...the anger started subsiding a lot smile .

This SHOCK to your system can be quite debilitating (((HUGS))). But it won't stay that way forever smile . Once I got my bearings...I chose to FIGHT...for ME! I started with the triggers...and I had a mantra early on...I was going to OWN this A. Every time I OWNED a trigger...it gave me more confidence to OWN even more grin .

Once I saw that things I thought I could NEVER have again were actually coming back...I decided to start experimenting to see what I COULD get back smile . So far...I have gotten back everything except for blind trust. I don't mind that...I probably should have never given ANYONE that!! I now have a M that I always dreamed of...with a WONDERFUL H who cherishes me like never before. For ME...even though it was very HARD work...it was totally WORTH IT grin !!

I was married before...and cheated on in that M as well crying . I did that STUPID "pick me dance" like a PRO...and my 1st H came back to me. I gave him the GIFT of R...and he took it to be that I was WEAK. HUGE mistake on his part!! When I caught him with another adultery co-conspirator...he left me for her. Their lurve affair lasted about 2 weeks rolleyes . Needless to say...I went for D with HIM. For ME...it wasn't as hard as going for R...and it was totally WORTH IT to D him grin !!

Please keep posting...and write whatever it is you feel you need to...we are here to listen smile . As always...take what you NEED from what you read on here...and leave the rest. We are all here to HELP...and we each bring our own path to our healing timeline smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6604   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8762198
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:35 PM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

I agree with the above posts that say not wanting sex with one's WS is one of the normal reactions to being betrayed. But it can also be a sign that the BS is done with the WS, and it can be a sign that your gut is telling you either that you want to D or that your H isn't a good candidate for R.

Part of me thinks we can't reconcile if there is no intimacy but after my internal reaction to being asked for a kiss I'm not sure we ever can be

That's an important concern. Here are some questions that I hope will help you figure out where you are.:

What is your H doing to rebuild your trust?

What is he not doing that you want him to do?

What do you want in terms of physical intimacy?

What do you think about your aversion - permanent or temporary?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:37 PM, Wednesday, October 26th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29809   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8762236
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 DayDreamBeliever (original poster member #82205) posted at 9:07 PM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

Thank you all for your empathy and warm welcome. It certainly isn't the party I wanted to join but it's comforting to be supported by people who actually understand. In real life it is very easy for people to preach at me but there is only 1 person I know who was cheated on with a young child and that is my wh mum! She has been amazing and really supportive of me but naturally if I mention reconciliation she will have a bias as its her son and grandson that are effected too.

My wh has requested a move work wise but that is a fight in itself. The A partner worked in the same building but I have been told she's been moved temporarily so hopefully he will get his move before she is allowed back (if she ever is. She wasn't moved for the affair but other things) he has given me access to his ipad and phone and I can check whenever I want, he has had therapy for his mental health which actually made the affair much much worse. I became linked to trauma and the affair partner became his "saviour". He worked very very hard at therapy and has been cleared of ptsd after 5 months of therapy and life style changes. He has said he wants to do marriage counselling and answers any questions I have about the affair. He is doing a lot but right now I can't look at him in the same way I used to and that's what saddens me the most sad

posts: 64   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022
id 8762272
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BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 5:26 PM on Thursday, October 27th, 2022

Hi @DayDreamBeliever I'm so sorry you're having to go through the pain of betrayal and do understand how you're feeling. I think it's great that your H is working hard on getting the help that he needs. Just wondering if you are in IC yourself as I think you would also find it beneficial to help you process what has happened. Starting on your own healing journey is so important in enabling you to even begin to consider R.

It's always hard to view the WS in the same manner as you did before the betrayal and I remember feeling the same way about my H and telling him that I no longer saw him as my knight in shining armour, which was a very sad consequence of his infidelity. However, I can tell you that after our journey of R and complete emotional healing for myself and seeing him truly remorse and working hard at being the best version of himself, this view changed. I know from my own experience that true R does happen, but it takes time, hard work and two fully committed people.

Ultimately only you can make the decision to R and you should not feel rushed to make that decision. Whatever happens, do remember that you are worthy of love that can be trusted.

posts: 270   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8762404
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 DayDreamBeliever (original poster member #82205) posted at 5:53 PM on Sunday, October 30th, 2022

We started marriage counselling and had a few sessions which covered the breakdown of our relationship just before the affair and then we ended that as he needed trauma therapy and I was very lucky to have my own trauma therapy.

I have fallen out of love with him and had we not got a child I would have just walked away way before he was healed. Part of me doesn't think it's worth rescuing if I don't love him but I had to fall out of love with him to protect myself and when we were good in the years leading up to our child being born it was great. I just don't know if we can ever have great again.

posts: 64   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022
id 8762889
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 DayDreamBeliever (original poster member #82205) posted at 6:35 PM on Sunday, October 30th, 2022

We started marriage counselling and had a few sessions which covered the breakdown of our relationship just before the affair and then we ended that as he needed trauma therapy and I was very lucky to have my own trauma therapy.

I have fallen out of love with him and had we not got a child I would have just walked away way before he was healed. Part of me doesn't think it's worth rescuing if I don't love him but I had to fall out of love with him to protect myself and when we were good in the years leading up to our child being born it was great. I just don't know if we can ever have great again.

posts: 64   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022
id 8762896
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:48 AM on Monday, October 31st, 2022

I don’t know if your feelings will change for your H.

What I do know is that your H seems sincere in his efforts to R. Even if you don’t R that will help you co-parent and work together for your children.

I had NO intention of R with my H. I was executing plan B and planning to D him. In 25 years if marriage I had never once uttered the word "divorce" to him. But dday2 was my breaking point.

Fast forward — we have R and we are happy. My H made changes and no longer takes me for granted. He also knows I’m no longer a doormat.

I demanded a post nup to consider R. My H willingly signed it. It has been 9 years from the affair and it has changed us. But mostly for the better.

I’ve learned acceptance and forgiveness. I’ve learned not to be a doormat. And I learned I’m a lot smarter than I thought.

Hang in there. Don’t put pressure in yourself to make decisions. Be content to take your time in making decisions.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13863   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8762963
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Fof9303 ( member #70433) posted at 2:32 AM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2022

I am so sorry that you feel so torn right now. As others have said, you should receive counseling yourself right now. My counselor planted new thoughts and ideas in my head to make me look at the situation in a different light/view. It might be worth trying. As for your H, he seems like he is making some changes that are needed. You need to make sure he understands that you are not a doormat and will not tolerate anymore of this behavior ever. I do like that he is trying to make himself accountable for his actions. When this happened to me, I was in no rush to make a judgement... that came with time.. What my H and I did in the beginning of our reconciliation was create new hobbies together. It worked and it helped bring us closer together and gave us something different to talk about other than the affair. I hope that you will feel better in time. God Bless.

posts: 178   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2019
id 8763061
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oldtruck ( member #62540) posted at 4:00 AM on Wednesday, November 2nd, 2022

AP still working where the WS still works after D day has caused many
a recovery to stall.

Your WH needs to find a new job. Actions have consequences. Was the
affair with the AP worth losing the job? No.

However the WS can not complain that losing their job is too costly a price
to pay for their PA.

When you step out and dance you have to pay for the music.

posts: 1400   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8763208
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 DayDreamBeliever (original poster member #82205) posted at 10:45 AM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

Thank you for your supportive messages. I have read each one for days now just letting it all digest.

I totally agree working in the same place is a big no no and he is doing what he can to be moved. She has actually been moved already but we are unsure if this is permenant or temporary. He has asked but as she is being investigated he has been given very limited information and doesn't want to be seen as snooping. Either way he says he wants to move as its been a horrendous experience for him as although he put me through hell he also went through months of a mental health crisis and trauma bond with someone who was abusive and I am trying to remember that although he isn't a victim of an affair he is a victim of abuse.

I feel nothing still and it's an odd feeling but it's been such a long time of dealing with this I don't think I should be surprised. We are just going to continue house plans and see what happens over the next few months I think. He finishes his therapy in January so maybe some couples counselling after will shed some light on whether there is a future. I don't want the fear of finances or poorer quality of life keep me trapped with someone I don't want to be with but I am also very aware of not wanting a miserable life so I need to find some sort of better solution I think if we were not to be together and I think that would include moving away

posts: 64   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022
id 8763769
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 3:12 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

IC would likely be much more effective for you right now than MC.

All the best!

BW
Recovered
Reconciled

posts: 547   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8763795
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 7:18 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

It took 6 weeks before I could touch my wife. Then 6 month to have emotional connection sex. She was like an AP I was using her with no real feelings. R is possible, after 1 year I started treating her like a wife or equal partner again. The feelings came back for me but it took time and trust.

[This message edited by Tanner at 7:20 PM, Saturday, November 5th]

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3387   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8763824
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 DayDreamBeliever (original poster member #82205) posted at 1:53 PM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

I have had IC. I had it with a trauma therapist as I was eligible for support through a charity that supported WH through his trauma. They dealt with childhood trauma but mostly the actual affair and what that and his mental health had done to me. The AP lingered on until Oct when he was able to heal from trauma and cut contact but I fell out of love in May thanks to the help of my therapy. She told me I would naturally come to the answer as to whether I wanted to stay or go and I had come to the conclusion I was going to go but then he got well. I've lived with an imposter for 2 years and now my husband is back which has caused me to question whether I leave or try to reconcile. The man that had the affair was a very different man to the one before me now but trauma or not an affair was the choice he made and it was me who suffered and I can't erase my memories of what he put me through. If he was the same as he has been the last 2 years I would be walking still and if he had been his usual self and had an affair I would walk but now I'm in this position of not loving him buy knowing he is a different man. It should make it easier to reconcile but with no feelings I'm not sure it's right.

Thanks you to the poster who said it felt like their W partner was an AP and it took a year to get feelings as I feel quite similar that he is an AP rather then my husband so that's an interesting thought

posts: 64   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022
id 8763919
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:29 PM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

Patience, sister BS. Patience.

Trust and love don't come back overnight. It takes thousands of trust-building actions for a BS to accept that the WP has truly changed, and that takes time.

If you're right about your WP's healing, the love may very well come back. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Have faith in yourself to know whether it's going to be R or D.

But you have to give yourself and your WP time, much more time than anyone wants to give. Personally, I didn't start to feel confident that R would succeed until my W had acted consistently for R for 2 straight years.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29809   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8763932
Topic is Sleeping.
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