SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello All. I had a major shift in my heart 2 days ago where I am completely indifferent now towards my WH affair, him, and the marriage that is now dead. For 10+ months I've been stuck in a place where I was desperately trying to somehow "save" the marriage and felt like I could also somehow, "fix" the A and undo any bit of it. Impossible considering it happened 15 years ago and I found out less than a year ago.

In my mind and heart, I gave the burden of the A and all its details and destruction back to him and her. I was never part of it, never wanted to be and it is not mine to hold. I've completely released it all and given that dirty diaper back to its rightful owners.

However now, I'm in a place where I fully comprehend with my mind and heart that that marriage is dead and gone, never to be "saved" or any of the A details to be undone. I understand that if there is to be anything else, it has to be M2.0, building anew from the ground up.

I am no longer depressed, angry, or having trauma-induced responses when I think of the details (HUGE for me because I've been raging at him and massively violent since March, in which case WH has had several black eyes and now has permanent bite marks and scratch/nail gouge scars. ) and it's like in my mind, I have put the A in a place behind me and when I try to see any of it in my mind, I can't fully. I can see the outline of a big pile of mess, but the details are blocked by a translucent "film" of sorts. I suppose this is acceptance? Or perhaps my own version of compartmentalization?

Yet even with that, I still don't feel comfortable or compelled to do nice things for my WH. He never considered me, when he was cheating, watching porn, and lying for 16 years. He got everything he wanted at my expense, while I was doting on him, considering him first in everything, and caring for him to the max. He had a win/lose mentality in which case he was always the winner.

So now, I feel as though he doesn't deserve to "win" anymore. I'm not going out of my way to hurt him or be nice to him, I simply don't care. I am reluctant to give him my attention, love, cherishing, etc because he got away with me scratching his back, while he was scratching his back too for so long. All the things I used to do kinda repulse me a bit now and I don't feel that heart of service towards him that I used to.

When did that ability to perform loving, heartfelt gestures come back for those of you who are further along the R road? The "I genuinely, love you and "want" to make you feel special and take the load off you" without immediately remembering what he/she did kind of feelings?

He is in IC 2-3x a week, does SA calls every day, has a sponsor and he's on step 4. I'm in IC 2x a week.

Thank you!

[This message edited by IndigoSkye at 3:06 AM, Thursday, October 27th]

IndigoSkye

One thing needs to be noted. Take this as a dressing-down for things that are hopefully in the past, but also take this as something you really need to address to prevent ANY repeat in the future.

I've been raging at him and massively violent since March, in which case WH has had several black eyes and now has permanent bite marks and scratch/nail gouge scars.

This is not acceptable in any way, form or manner.

I’m former LEO and have dealt with domestic abuse and its consequences. Yes – the majority is men beating up women, but women too are capable of domestic abuse. If your rage is so intense you can’t control it and/or see violence as an acceptable outlet… its only a question of time before even more serious and permanent damage is done. One of those "permanent" scratches could be his eye. Black eyes require a level of power in the punch. You are creating serious, mad, intense and uncontrollable rage when you hit out at him. It’s only a question of time before you grab a knife from the kitchen, the vase on the table, or push him down those stairs.

I don’t know how he responded, but most of the times the abused spouse is defensive. As in shielding from the punches and avoiding more pain. It’s only a question of time before he snaps and maybe responds with violence.

Maybe you both are violent.

I don’t know… All I know is what you share and that is that YOU use violence to control him.

Well… used. In the recent past.

I hope its in the past, but you really need to look into why you went that path. It’s something that once you open that door it becomes easier to go that path again. Seriously – look into why you thought this was fine.

I also want to be clear that if your husband were to post here – totally irrespective of if he was a BH or a WH – I would be telling him to seriously look into getting out of a violent relationship.

--

IS

I am not discouraging you from your path to reconcile. I am not diminishing your pain from infidelity. What I hope to get across – both to you and to others that use/used violence is that its never acceptable, and it needs to be taken as seriously as "normal" infidelity. It is in fact a form of infidelity to the expectations of marriage.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:48 AM, Thursday, October 27th]

I love this: I've completely released it all and given that dirty diaper back to its rightful owners. Though, if you're still raging....could it be that you're masking the overwhelming emotions and this comes out in violence? It isn't ok. It won't help. And, if things don't work out between you two, you've given him enormous leverage in a divorce.

Unfortunately, I raged for a long while too. I'm not proud of it. It was abusive. It isn't ok. But, I understand. No black eyes, but I did push him away physically when he tried to hold me. Lots of broken dishes. A few destroyed teeshirts for races he did with her. And, then there was the time he asked if hitting him would help and I totally threw all my weight into slapping him - because I was never taught how to throw a punch. AND....I ran over his bike with his truck....while he watched. None of that was ok....except maybe the bike. That made me feel slightly better. (They were training partners and she was mentoring me in the sport)

But your question.....When did that ability to perform loving, heartfelt gestures come back for those of you who are further along the R road? The "I genuinely, love you and "want" to make you feel special and take the load off you" without immediately remembering what he/she did kind of feelings?

It started very small for me. We have a ritual where I make us both coffee in bed....and he makes us breakfast. In the early days, I loathed doing ANYTHING for him. I forced myself to make the coffee. I was going to have some myself. It was a very small something that made him feel that he had SOME hope that I'd be willing to do my part of the work to heal, unfair as it is.

IS, It looks like you are doing a major part of the 180 (see https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/).

My experience was that I went back and forth WRT my W for a couple of years, so I'm not surprised by your current indifference.

To me, the choice between D & R comes out of one's whole system - head, heart, and gut. It's not a result of logic; it's a result of logic, feelings, and intuition, and it's probably ruled by intuition. My reco is to monitor yourself. If your indifference lasts in a way that you think will never end, it may mean R is not a good choice for you. If you go through cycles of indifference, desire to split, and desire to R, you're not yet ready to make a choice. Right now, it's too soon to know how long your indifference will last.

I think you've made some major steps forward - you're placing the responsibility where it lies, you're seeing yourself succeed whether you D or R, you realize you need to build a new M. Those realizations are great steps toward healing.

*****

Ladybugmaam, The only thing you describe that I think is off is slapping your H. Personally, while I'm pretty reasonable now, I destroyed or got my W to destroy/throw out/donate just about everything involved in her A. Her ap made some things for her, and I made damn sure that stuff was broken into pieces. I never hit my W. I never called her names, either, but that was only because I thought she was worse than anything I could call her.

Sisson Oh, I got him to destroy every tee-shirt, medal, every piece of race swag. It's just that in that first week, when I decided that I needed that done.....I began the process myself. There was something cathartic about ripping the fabric. I called him every name in the book. It is scorched earth for anything OW related.

I like your advice about the whole system. It really is.

I’m also feeling that point of indifference. The truth has continued to trickle out over the past 7 months. He revealed something new in MC the other day that he had been lying about. He was expecting me to cry and yell and ask a bunch of questions. I did none of those things because really, what’s the point? I’ve barely spoken to him in the past two days. I have nothing to say. Nothing bad. Nothing good. Just nothing. I don’t feel compelled to do anything for him. I didn’t go out of my way to pull out the garbage cans yesterday before blocking them in the garage with my car. He moved my car when he was ready to take them to the curb. He has his IC today immediately after work. I usually set up a folding table and chair in the bedroom for his zoom session since he barely gets home in time. Not my problem anymore. He can plan ahead and set it up before leaving for work, or he can be late for his session. I’m not going to plan ahead to make things easier for him. I’ve done that for our entire marriage and where did it get me? Taken for granted. Ignored. Cheated on. Lied to. Made to feel like I was the crazy one. He made the mess. He can climb his way out if it. Not my problem.

Thank you all for your responses. They are appreciated

Sisson -I just went and read that link and you are spot on. I think I am on my way to something new. Whether that is with, or without him is up to him and I won't flinch either way. I like where I am right now.

FireandWater - You just put into words the way my heart feels with saying, "I’m not going to plan ahead to make things easier for him. I’ve done that for our entire marriage and where did it get me? Taken for granted. Ignored. Cheated on. Lied to. Made to feel like I was the crazy one. He made the mess. He can climb his way out of it. Not my problem."

I have always gone far out of my way to make everything in life, marriage, and parenting easier for my WH, while he was thinking of himself too; never making anything easier for me, and in fact, his actions were making everything far more difficult, painful and traumatic for me. He is gotten everything he never deserved and I have gotten nothing I did deserve.

For the first time since he was 16 when we first got together and I began doing everything for him, He's on his own and so far he is struggling tremendously and it isn't paining me at all.

[This message edited by IndigoSkye at 8:10 PM, Friday, October 28th]