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Newest Member: DrowningZombie

Reconciliation :
Trying to make marriage work

Topic is Sleeping.
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 NotHowItsMeantToBe (original poster new member #82250) posted at 8:56 PM on Thursday, October 27th, 2022

I found out about my husbands multiple cheating 5 months ago. We have been married 13 years, over the last 9 years he has had 8 relationships for various lengths and a few other one off dates, The strange thing is that although I was suspicious I felt like we got on well. I truly enjoyed our time together. He worked a lot and we currently live in different countries due to work (The last 2 years). We chatted every day on the phone, a 30 min conversation and then many texts and little chats throughout the day. I felt like we were making long distance work, even better than when we had lived together. I have been through many emotions, considered leaving but I can't imagine my life without him, we have 2 daughters, a great house, he knows me and we have fun together. I can't imagine building what I thought we had with anyone else. We are doing counselling and I do find it helpful, he is also doing personal counselling and he's working through all sorts of things and sharing openly with me. I feel so alone though. I feel like he has lied and cheated so much that I should leave. My sister says if he has done all this he doesn't love me and that I don't know what love is and I should leave. I have shared with a few close friends who have been an amazing support when I couldn't look after my daughters due to depression. But some do feel I should leave and it creates an awkwardness to our friendship. I still feel a frequent pain and heaviness, I feel alone. I cry often but don't feel I can explain my tears to others as I feel I will be judged for trying to forgive and make it work. I do worry that he will cheat and lie again and almost want some sort of revenge for all the years I've been the gentle, trusting, faithful wife while he's lived a secret single life. It feels freeing to share, it has been good to read others stories, thank you

posts: 2   ·   registered: Oct. 27th, 2022   ·   location: London
id 8762434
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:03 PM on Thursday, October 27th, 2022

Serial cheaters don't have a high success rate.

Other than IC, what work is he doing to become a safe partner?

Has he been tested for stds?

Is he no contact with all OW? If he still works with any of them,he needs a new job.

That you are in different countries is a huge problem.

Your sister is a smart woman,who wants the best for you.

Reconciliation takes a lot of work,and it takes years to achieve. And,even if he does the work,being a serial cheater makes him extremely risky.

Stop the MC. The marriage didn't cheat. He did.

posts: 4994   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8762449
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 NotHowItsMeantToBe (original poster new member #82250) posted at 10:25 PM on Thursday, October 27th, 2022

Yes the serial cheating is a concern, is it just a lifestyle? :(
Other than IC he has confided and been honest with a couple of close friends and he's working on building better healthy friendships / hobbies. Also sending me bank statements and has location turned on, although I don't want to become surveillance, I feel it shows some honesty and openness.
We both got tested for STDs. All clear.
Totally no contact with OW.
It does feel like a slow process to rebuild. Not sure how to get over the hurt, but somehow deep inside I want to, I hope I'm not crazy.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Oct. 27th, 2022   ·   location: London
id 8762455
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:27 PM on Thursday, October 27th, 2022

If you don’t want to leave him then you do not have to.

But you then need to change your expectations of marriage. Accept he may not be someone that will be monogamous. Accept he views his selfish needs (to cheat) as his top priority.

Just know that someone who has lived a double life may never be the person who chooses monogamy.

Because cheating is a choice.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12988   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8762456
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 10:44 PM on Thursday, October 27th, 2022

Staying, reconciliation, and recovery is a MUCH tougher road than leaving.

I worry....what is he doing to make you feel safe in the marriage? Are you still in separate countries? PLEASE find your own IC. Navigating this is hard enough. And, your kids need you mentally healthy. The first year I was just in survival mode. The real work didn't begin until year 2 & 3. I'm still working this out.

Many here poopoo MC early. It worked for us, but we were mainly happy before....and he was ALL in. Affairs can happen in happy marriages. I mean....I didn't lift a finger for the first 18 months after DDay.

Is he showing you that he's capable of doing the hard work? How can he do that when you're in different countries?

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 318   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8762458
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:48 PM on Thursday, October 27th, 2022

Gently,how do you know he is NC with OW,when you live in different countries?

Attempting reconciliation, when you are in different countries, requires some form of trust. And you have no reason to trust him. He had no problem lying to you for 9 years. That's a very long time.

At this point, this is him. He's shown you who he is. Believe him.

posts: 4994   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8762459
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IndigoSkye ( new member #81020) posted at 7:31 PM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

I'm with HellFire, as this was what happened to me. I believed my WH back in 2006 when he told me it was over with the OW he worked with. He even tried hard to trick me by showing me gestures that looked like change (gave me passwords, no more parties, coming home right on time etc) Turns out, I found out 15 years later that he never ended it and kept it going for another 3.5 years at work when we got married, conceived our first baby, the entire pregnancy, and the first 22 months of her life.

Serial cheaters are NOT to ever be believed out the gate without a LOT of contrition and shows of change and PROOF. I would hate for what happened to me, to happen to anyone else.

Me: BW 37, WH: 38 Together since 15 & 16.
M: 05/05/07 - 9 children
DDAY 1: 12/2006. Told me 1% truth "Unsuccessful ONS"
DDAY 2: 12/2021. 4.5 years 2006-2010 EA&PA, 15-year Porn addiction. Porn chosen to look like the OW.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 28th, 2022   ·   location: SE USA
id 8762686
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BrokenAngel12 ( new member #82220) posted at 12:46 AM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2022

I know exactly how you feel! I am in something similar although not fully the same. I am trying to make my marriage work, but its hard when he has lied and cheated. Sometimes I wonder who I married. Things I have heard or found, I just cannot believe. But they are right there in my face. I have been told to leave, but I do not want to. I just want the man I married; or who I thought I married. Its a struggle everyday to get up in the morning. I am in counseling now... hoping to at least work on myself to build my self esteem back. I get the random crying and flooding. I do this often....

posts: 26   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2022
id 8763050
Topic is Sleeping.
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