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Here’s my position. It would not matter if my H took 10 polygraph tests and passed all of them.

He cheated. He lied. Therefore everything surrounding his affairs is "suspect" as to whether I have 100% of the truth.

My position is that he tons OW#2 he cheated on me with OW#1 which was a 4 year EA. He says it was an EA. I know it was more than that. He swears up and down it was just an EA. He knows I think otherwise and he has to accept that he is the cause of that distrust.

Doesn’t matter what he says. It is what I choose to believe. Same goes for a polygraph. If I need a polygraph to prove someone is not lying then to me, I’d rather just end the marriage.

They are not admissible for a reason. So the actual results - IDK - but the value in scheduling one seems pretty great. I have read countless stories of the lie detector induced confession on here.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts. I'm still open to hear of any others' specific experiences with lie detectors. Thanks.

We got one post DDay 2. It was a requirement of mine to even consider moving forward since he lied for two years post DDay #1. That requirement actually made him fully confess (his initial truth dump was still lies and then he 'fessed up to everything the next day after I laid out requirements of written disclosure, lie detector and very specific legal and financial documents that would protect me.).

Our marriage counselor had actually suggested it a few weeks prior since I just COULDN'T let go of the idea he was lying and had started having dreams about finding out he lied. I turned it down, much to the relief of my lying (at the time) spouse. Mu husband set it up, paid for it, and we went together. I got my written timeline of the affair prior to going in and when I got there, discussed with the person who administered the test what I wanted to know. We asked 3 (I think, could have been 4, but I think it was 3) questions that were yes or no. One of which asked if the disclosure was the truth. Another was if he had any other sexual contact with another person while married to me. And I think the last was whether or not he told her that he loved her.

Obviously, people lie and get away with it. And there is a reason it's not admissible in court. But this was just another tool to try and scare him into being honest so that I hopefully didn't have another DDay. We didn't have any parking lot confessions and he's maintained the same timeline and details for the last 3.5 years. I only wish I'd had a better therapist or marriage counselor who suggested the disclosure and poly from the get go instead of both making me feel like I needed to work better on my issues with anger and trust because I still didn't believe him. (Obviously my gut and body knew that he was lying!)

Hi again OP. My wife and I haven't talked about the polygraph for years and really not much at all period. I just talked to her about it (that shocked her a bit, was worried I was about to lay into her again about cheating, but I calmed her down and she was a good sport about it).

She told me she felt the administrator was very good, both conducting the test and in setting her at ease explaining what was going on. She told me again just now she was really nervous/scared and he helped calm her down. Like marriage on the line scared. She told herself during the test 'be as calm as you can. you'll be fine you haven't cheated on SnowToArmPits'. In relaying this to you, I'm advising to shop around and interview until you find a good administrator. You don't want the administrator making a shit show of the test. We got lucky he was good (I did interview him via phone). Looking back on the day of the test, I wish I would have done more to make my wife comfortable about the test. As it was I was a pretty angry, worried dude. I was caught up in my own head space and didn't have a whole lot left over for my wife. She told me she was very nervous on the drive to the test.

There was only 1 administrator in our entire province, we had to drive 2.5 hours each way to a different city to conduct the test. The drive to the test was a bit grim if I'm honest, happier of course driving home after she passed with flying colours. Maybe this shows I was determined to make the test happen, and my wife God bless her was determined to make it happen as well. She told me just now we didn't talk much about the test on the way home we were both busy processing what the hell just happened.

I of course worried 'what if the administrator gets it wrong, doesn't identify if she's lying'? But there's the other side, too, although I don't know that ever seen it reported on a thread on an infidelity forum. That is, what if she's telling the truth and the test says she's lying? Oh boy what a mess you've got on your hands then. Maybe because I've never seen anyone report this it's only a theoretical worry. I remember reading a guest on the Steve Wilcos TV show made a stink in the press that his show and his polygraph administrator got the test wrong, she was adamant she was telling the truth while the test said she lied.

The test was more expensive than I expected. I think him being the only administrator in the province made for a higher price. And, to control his expenses he didn't have an office, worked out of his home I think. So the procedure he used was to rent a small conference room in a hotel for the day and conduct the test there... his price included hotel fees for the day.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 5:01 AM, Tuesday, November 1st]

There is a reason it's not admissible. There is a myriad of valid reasons for that. But junk science is always hit or miss.

If you need the threat of something to get admission is it really worth it? A threat is only good if you follow through with it. If you do, you are likely spending money to learn what you already know. If you don't? Well, you set a stage that you'll likely not recover from.

What I don't understand, is why anyone here needs someone else to tell them that their spouse, significate other, ad infinitum, is telling the truth. If you can't tell it's not going to end well. In the present, the future, or otherwise. You already know how they are, how they obscure the truth, and everything else.

WhiteCarrera Look into it. Take steps to make it happen (look into what's available in your area and contact some of them) and discuss it with your WS. You're obviously unsettled and unable to move forward on either path. It may be that pushing forward with this will give you the information and confidence to choose which path you want to follow. Your wife may confess to more. That more may or may not be the straw that breaks your R's back. It may be that she passes with flying colors and that gives you enough to accept you know enough of the extent of her betrayal to move forward with acceptance of her betrayal and move you along the path to R. Either way I see it pushing your closer to where you need to be to get out of the infidelity your WS put you in. Worst case is you stay where you are but at least you will have tried to move.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:52 AM, Tuesday, November 1st]

I've had an ongoing suspicion that there's stills something my wife isn't telling me and that suspicion is driving me nuts so I've considered the poly. My IC gave me some interesting advice wrt making my WW take a poly. She (my therapist) said that since my goal for my marriage was R the risk vs reward doesn't make sense for me to move forward with the test... let me explain her logic.

For example, assume I know everything and my W is now telling the 100% truth but fails the test because they aren't always accurate and she'd be nervous so its plausible. I would believe the test and not my wife because like The1stWife writes: She cheated. She lied. Therefore everything surrounding her affairs is "suspect" as to whether I have 100% of the truth.
so bad outcome (probably the worst outcome since she was telling the truth).

The W could be lying and fail the test but continue to assert that she is telling the truth and I never learn the whole truth and we divorce anyway because she failed the test - so bad outcome probably the worst outcome since I learn nothing and end up divorced regardless.

Lets say she is lying still and comes clean either during the test or right before/after. If there is something she has lied about this long it is almost certainly something she knows I would never forgive and we would divorce because I simply cannot endure any more pain from this marriage - so bad outcome.

Finally, lets assume she's telling the truth and she passes the test with flying colors. You'd think this would be a positive but I KNOW there would be a voice in my head reminding me that the tests aren't always accurate... I would still wonder if she passed because of a false negative. So passing would improve my mindset and alleviate SOME worry but would not eliminate my worry altogether. We stay married but my suspicion would endure - so a bit of good but still a bad outcome.

So would it be worth it? Truth is, the only outcome that silences my doubt and gives me the satisfaction of truly knowing everything would be if she's still lying about something and comes clean as a result of the test... but that scenario would undoubtedly bring me pain and most likely end in divorce so I remain in limbo.

My therapist made a strong argument and so I haven't pursued the poly... but my doubt endures and I hate this. I wish there was a way trust could be restored after an A. I wish I could just KNOW the truth.

Your WW had two affairs that you know of. Would it help you to know if you’re trying to reconcile with a serial cheater or just a two time cheater? My guess is absolutely yes.

So I definitely am in the do the poly camp,but with one question only: "Other than the two affairs that you have already disclosed, have there been any other affairs or sexual contact with any other person, since being married to Brokenindenver, in addition to Brokenindenver and the two AP’s?" Or something to that effect…

…suspicion that there's stills something my wife isn't telling me…

As much as anything, the thing that really matters is what was in her mind, what was in her heart, then, and now. Polys don’t give you that answer, they only give you clues to that answer. Tidbits you use to infer those answers.

You say that certain answers would cause you to divorce. Things you could never forgive. If she refuses the poly, then you should just assume they occurred. In fact, you should assume the worst occurred and act on that. Let her ask permission to take a poly to convince you otherwise.

It doesn’t have to be that ambiguity is the cheater’s friend. Make it their enemy. Make being honest their winning play.

I wish there was a way trust could be restored after an A.

The only way trust can be restored is by thousands of consecutive trust-building actions, and that takes time - years, IMO. I wish there were a way to rebuild trust quickly, but there isn't.

She (my therapist) said that since my goal for my marriage was R the risk vs reward doesn't make sense for me to move forward with the test... let me explain her logic.

What utter the stuff that comes out of male cows once they have digested feed.

If your goal is to save the marriage no matter what then another possibility would be for you to just turn a blind eye to your wife’s affairs. Allow her to have her lovers and you try to ignore it.
Or settle for remaining in a "marriage" where you constantly have questions you can’t ask because you fear the answer and can’t have trust. Not even the trust-but-verify type, because you can’t verify that thing that’s gnawing at you.

There is an immense contradiction in what you state. You want to save the marriage, but you don’t want to save it if you discover something has happened in the past. It’s not if she’s still cheating – it seems like you don’t have reason to think she is – but rather if she did something in the past. Well… she did what she did. It’s done. It’s there. If your wish to save the marriage is based on that NOT having happened… well either it happened or not. It won’t unhappen just because you don’t know.
If you want to save the marriage it should be from a base of truth. If that truth would prohibit you from continuing the marriage then so be it. It is what it is. Denying the truth but still questioning it… will never lead to a good marriage. Ever.
As we say: Reconciliation needs to be from a basis of truth.

On the polygraph aspect: Its precisely that nervousness that the operators pray on. I would be even more concerned about the result if your wife wasn’t nervous. They have all sorts of tricks to deal with it – including questions they probably already know the answer to. The main aspect though is that YOU need to believe the result. In your situ I would give your wife a grace-period to be truthful, with the knowledge that it might be backed up by a poly and that the cardinal sin is not to be told NOW about more lovers, but to fail a poly indicating there were more.

I just had my husband take one yesterday (theraputic polygraph) and got the answers I needed. You have to find someone that only does infidelity tests and that is a member of the American Polygraph Association

The people that work in infidelity polygraph will get the truth out of their spouses like they did out of mine. They are trained to. Unless your spouse just wants to lie and lie and lie. They ask the same question over and over and follow up with trying to get the spouse to disclose by telling them they are lying because they are.

They don't badger or yell at, they are like a therapist who just asks for clarity. I still don't have clarity if my husband still looks at bikini pictures (which may not seem like a big deal) but I was lied to about it for years. I am proud he hasn't watched porn in 3 years but a lot of his other behavior is still very heart breaking.

His ONS with a sex worker I have gotten over, but him trying to start an affair a year later really still bothers me, there's a lot of betrayal in sex addiction period. Even if no sex happens.

SammiJo