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Reconciliation :
Mental images during intimate times - how do you stop them?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 smitty82 (original poster new member #80920) posted at 8:21 AM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

Hello,

Wow, Christmas was tricky. I managed to make it all about the kids and knowing that they had a great time was enough.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure that I am not the only one that experiences this but I wanted to ask if you have any ideas on how to lessen them or how long they go on for. During intimate times with my WH I inevitably end up with images of him doing whatever we are doing but with the AP.

Thanks, as ever, for all of your advice. You have all been a real support for me.

posts: 21   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8772870
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 12:03 PM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

I’m so sorry you’re here. No magic wand for that, I’m afraid. Time and focusing on being in the present moment. For me, being a bit more selfish about my experience and my needs than I was in the past helped.
Images still intrude from time to time for me, but they do diminish.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 467   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8772876
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:28 PM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

Check out the first page of the JFO forum, especially this: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/574286/newbies-mind-movies-and-dark-thoughts-how-to-stop-them/,

Can't guarantee this will help, but it's a good place to start, IMO.

*****

ETA: Sometimes I just let the mind movies play to the end.

Also, know that you can stop what you're doing if you get to a point at which sex feels wrong for the time being. It doesn't matter where you are in the ...uh... process - just stop, if you feel like stopping.

It can feel pretty bad for a man to stop in the middle, but it IS something that can be done. When I stopped, I felt better for stopping than I would have felt for going on. I'm not talking about, 'I'm not really in the mood, but I'll decide to do it anyway.' I'm talking about, 'I genuinely don't want to be doing this now' - that's the time to say 'no' and 'stop'.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:54 PM, Thursday, January 12th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29809   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8772930
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Fof9303 ( member #70433) posted at 10:32 PM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

So sorry you have to experience this. Honestly, time helps. I know that stinks. Most of the time when those thoughts invade my mind... I tell myself, not today Satan.. not today.. you will not ruin this today. Hope that helps.

posts: 178   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2019
id 8772995
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 3:13 AM on Thursday, January 12th, 2023

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s very hard.

After my husband’s affair we had a lot of hysterical bonding sex where this wasn’t a problem. But then something shifted and the images of him having sex with his AP became a problem during sex.

It comes and goes in waves at this point. There are particular acts that it almost always happens with, and I’m sorry to say I just don’t do those things much, if at all, anymore, because the images in my head ruin it. Avoiding those acts and then trying to stay in the moment and focus on the two of us helps, but I suspect a lot of it is just time.

It makes me sad though. Our sex life is fine, but I want more than fine. I want the level of unselfconsciousness and comfort I had before, because it allowed for a lot of freedom and fun and experimentation. Hopefully we’ll get there, but it hasn’t happened yet (we’re 2.5 years post DDay).

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 623   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8773025
Topic is Sleeping.
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