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Newest Member: YouGoGirl2000

Reconciliation :
Been working on things

Topic is Sleeping.

 dontlookbackinanger (original poster new member #82406) posted at 10:16 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

So been working on things with my WW. Have an anniversary coming-up. I was always the 'planner' for things like this, but she has been doing better with thing like this. Honestly, I really don't want to plan anything and see what she does. At the same time, I don't want to play the passive/aggressive game. Don't know what to do.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8783072

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 11:19 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

Do you want to celebrate the anniversary? You could talk to her and share your thoughts.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2695   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8783080

Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 12:26 AM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

I understand not vocalizing things like that—it doesn’t come easy to me. But I have found it’s better to figure out what I want and then talk about it. It’s better than being quiet and then having something happen that you don’t want or that causes you extra pain.

You shouldn’t have to plan it unless you just want to.

Husband of 20 years had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 533   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8783090

CFme923 ( member #82955) posted at 12:39 AM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

If you want to leave the ball in her court, then do so. If it is to do so just to see if she passes or fails, well I personally don't find that very helpful or fulfilling.

posts: 79   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023
id 8783092

ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 1:18 PM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

Agreed with Grieving. I usually just say what I want and get pretty good results with that.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 6918   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8783141

 dontlookbackinanger (original poster new member #82406) posted at 1:46 PM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

Thanks all. Yeah, I'm inclined to simply ask her what she wants to do this year and see where that goes. Honestly, I'm mixed. part of me wants to do something, but only if she shows some initiative in planning it, another part of me would be fine giving it a miss this year (second anniversary post our "last" dday).

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8783143

Edie ( member #26133) posted at 11:32 AM on Monday, March 27th, 2023

Seems you’re very thoughtful, not just in planning things but also in not wanting to be passive aggressive about waiting to see if she takes the initiative. In my view, that would not be passive aggressive in the light of you not really being that bothered about celebrating it. I’m personally not one for doing anniversaries per se as they feel a little Hallmark to me, (every day should be Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day etc) and it might be she feels similarly about such things, therefore not being so involved in the planning in the past. But the question is whether she takes a back seat in many things? Or whether she has expected the anniversary arrangements from you as an old fashioned view of it being the male prerogative to woo? And therefore is there entitlement in this respect? Chapman’s 5 Love Languages offers a lens to look at this kind of thing, how to examine whether and how love is reciprocated or not across the language spectrum and how to translate it.

[This message edited by Edie at 11:54 AM, Monday, March 27th]

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6587   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8784303

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 9:23 PM on Monday, March 27th, 2023

I'm inclined to simply ask her what she wants to do this year and see where that goes.

I think that's the healthiest way to handle this. You could plan something together. Or, if you'd rather she do it, you could tell her "I don't want to plan anything. I'd appreciate you taking over this year."

Let the world feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.

posts: 582   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8784421

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 3:12 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

I'm inclined to simply ask her what she wants to do this year and see where that goes

That's a healthy approach and very smart. I hope it leads to good communication and a solid plan.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3692   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8784528
Topic is Sleeping.
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