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Newest Member: onthefence2024

Reconciliation :
Some days im ok some days im not.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Veenz (original poster new member #83076) posted at 1:29 AM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

Found out end Oct last year when my sister caught him hugging his AP in the train. When she confronted him, he begged her not to tell me and that he wants me... when I found out I was devastated.They are working colleagues and it just happened as they were working on a project together. He stayed a weekend with her in a hotel. But he swears nothing happened. He said he couldn't do it.

We were in a rls for 11 years before being married for 3. I travelled solo for a week and decided to work to reconcile.

For those of u who did it, how did u know that this is wat u want? Somedays I'm so happy while others I'm crying my Lungs out. Why did he have to go and do this? I don't know if I will ever recover from this.

He is doing everything he can to make this right. Infact our marriage and rls seems better than it has ever been. But I don't know if it will ever be enough for me to forget this and move on. Pls advise. What if I can never forget the fact that he chose someone else over me for that brief period?

posts: 1   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2023
id 8783101
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:47 AM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

In order for this marriage to heal,he needs to work on himself to become a safe partner. What work is he doing?

He needs to start by digging deep,and figuring out what in him said it was ok to cheat.

it just happened

This is not true. Things don't just happen. Steps are taken to make it happen.

He stayed a weekend with her in a hotel. But he swears nothing


This is not true, and it's ridiculous that he expects you to believe it.

Will you ever forget? No. But you can heal. It takes an average of 3 to 5 years. That can't start until you have the complete truth.

He also has to find another job. You will never feel safe if he works with her.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8783105
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 1:56 AM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

It’s always going to be a part of your life unfortunately. It definitely lessens over time. The doubt, the uncertainty — it all becomes clearer over time.

If the cheater does what is needed to make amends and is remorseful then two people can reconcile. If the cheater is committed to repairing the damage and getting counseling to address the issues — you can recover and be happy.

But first the cheater needs to be honest. Truthful. Answer questions. Not say things like "I spent a weekend in a hotel but nothing happened". Two adults in a hotel together and NOTHING?! Come on…….no one will believe that. I’m not saying they had intercourse but there was some betrayal going on.

I’m sorry you had to find this group but we understand everything you are going through. We’ve all been down this road and know the struggle you face.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13950   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8783106
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Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 2:29 AM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s the worst! It takes a very long time for that pain to lessen - at least in my case. I’m 11 yrs out from my WH’s A, it has definitely taken all these years to get to a point where it isn’t all consuming for me. As others have said - he needs to come 100% clean, no lying, tell the the truth however painful it is - if it’s embarrassing or shameful for him, doesn’t matter - YOU need to hear the full truth. A polygraph will help get to the bottom of what really happened in that hotel room during the weekend they spent together. What does your gut tell you?? Sometimes listening to your instinct is very telling - a man and a woman sharing a hotel room together, what do you think happens?? He was caught by your sister displaying PDA with his AP - that was in public. He’s lying if he said nothing happened behind closed doors in private. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear - but get the truth, all of it. Get into IC - both of you. Not together (not MC) separate IC. We didn’t even attempt MC until wayyy after DDay. He need to work on what caused him to toss aside his marriage vows and cheat. And you need to work on healing you. Hang in there. If he’s truly remorseful, contrite, willing to do the work then you stand a great chance at reconciliation. It’s a hard road and he needs to be patient in the process with you. I took many steps forward and then it seemed like I’d go backwards 100 steps. My WH stuck it out with me though. It’s not easy. And we’re STILL working on stuff! I wish you the best!

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8783110
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:14 AM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

Welcome to SI, and sorry you had to join the best club nobody wants to join. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum is a list of pinned posts that have a lot of great information. Also, the Healing Library has good information, as well as a list of acronyms we use.

An affair doesn't just happen, and it isn't a mistake. An affair is a series of conscious decisions to betray you. Think of all the lies, the reception - it doesn't just happen.

I gave myself 6 month increments to watch my XWH to see if he would do the work to be a safe partner. Spoiler alert: he didn't.

Try individual counseling (IC) with a betrayal trauma specialist. He needs IC as well, to dig in to find out his why's. Marriage counseling (MC) is for later, after you've healed. MC helps with things like communication and healing the M. The M didn't cheat, your WH (wayward husband) did.

Reconciliation (R) is tough work and both spouses need to be in 100%. One book your WH should read is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. You should read it, too. It's a quick read and super helpful. Another book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. I'll admit, it's a bit of a schlog to get through. The part about Windows and walls helped me to understand boundaries a lot better.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3482   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8783113
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Fof9303 ( member #70433) posted at 11:57 PM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

I am sorry that you are going through this. It is not easy and you are really in the beginning stages of this grief. I felt like you did for quite a while. One day I was sure I wanted to reconcile and the next day I was completely confused. It is okay to feel this way. You are completely normal. With that being said, is your husband doing what it takes to make you feel safe.. whatever that may be for you? Is he working on himself? I remember after we decided to try to make it work... my thought was I am giving it my best shot... I don't know if it will work, but we are going to put forth our best effort.. 12 years later we are still going strong.. May you be blessed today with your happiness.

posts: 181   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2019
id 8783254
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BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 1:42 AM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Hi @Veenz I'm sorry you're having to go through this but just want to encourage you to stay strong and hopeful that your R
will be true and lasting.

The truth is healing from betrayal can take time and emotions can be a roller coaster especially for the BS. Have you both considered IC and MC to help you process what happened and to answer some of the questions you might have? I know my H and I found IC and MC quite beneficial in our R journey.
I could also see all that my H was doing to work on being the best version of himself and rebuild the broken trust in our relationship, which really helped me to decide to choose R.

It's great that your H is doing all he can and hopefully time will tell if he's sincerely remorse for his actions.
Do remember that no matter what has happened, you are worthy of love that can be trusted. Rooting for you, that yours will be one of the success stories on here.

posts: 270   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8783702
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 2:05 AM on Saturday, April 1st, 2023

Forgiving is a daily choice, not a one and done thing. The betrayal is what is the hardest to bounce back from. In fact, there is no bounce or back. You have to fight to not let it affect every decision moving forward. It's hard, but so worth it if you can make it truly work.

posts: 353   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8785240
Topic is Sleeping.
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