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Newest Member: GotLynched

Reconciliation :
struggling need advice

Topic is Sleeping.

 Thefly559 (original poster member #40268) posted at 12:43 PM on Sunday, April 16th, 2023

Well im back , havent posted since 2015 . I want to say this site saved my life then so since my ex ww is back in the picture guess what ? so is the pain. After 10 years post affair and bitter custody battle , order of protections and jail twice for contempt (she put me in ) . She decides to tell me she loves me , misses me and wants to try again . She will accept my new child ( with a fling ) but child is in my life still. She wants to live together again. She stated she wants me back in marital home and in her bed ( that she slept with others in ) . Of course this is a joke and i laughed and didnt do it for awhile as she love bombed . I finally broke ( because i still am in love with her ) . I slept with her in july of 22 under agreed upon boundaries . those boundaries were "all or nothing " meaning i dont want to sleep with her and others as she does the same. second boundary was no contact at all with any men or woman ( she is bi ) she has slept with or is not a friend of us . Third was that she cannot push me away and emotionally manipulate me anymore because i will not tolerate it . So for about a month or so things were amazing , sex , emotion , cuddle , love , like we were kids again. Then bam rug gone and the discard started since then up to last week we have been on and off but with extreme abuse by her . example , " hey you want to go to dinner tonight ? " her response " im going out with the girls" hey " you want to go for coffee and a walk ? her response , im tired . then proceeds to gaslight and say she does that because i cannot let go of the past, her infidelity and abuse , So i say , if the past wasnt rearing its head in your same patterns then i would be able to. She states those issues are mine and she doesnt have to help me with my triggers. I dont feel this is correct or conducise to reconciliation. i remain in cognitive dissonance , i love her and make fantasies of how life could be when she breadcrumbs me. yet my brain knows the reality of who she is has not changed and the work i have done is slowly disappearing the longer i remain like this. At this point i am no contact for a week as is she . I need to hear that i should run and not look back . My friends say that but most of them cheat on their wives or have no idea what im experiencing although they mean well im sure. There are alot of other signs of her lies but too long to list . Yes we have 2 kids together 18 and 16. Thanks in advance for the guidance and wisdom

"respect? you don't deserve it, you won't get any from me unless you earn it"

posts: 1033   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2013   ·   location: nyc
id 8787081

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 1:25 PM on Sunday, April 16th, 2023

You know the answer here. She's toxic to you and really hasn't changed from the person she was ten years ago when she tried to destroy your life. Your kids are old enough there's no reason for you to be in contact with your ex. Get her out of your life again. Heal then move on with your life.

posts: 1591   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8787087

Edie ( member #26133) posted at 1:30 PM on Sunday, April 16th, 2023

i love her and make fantasies of how life could be when she breadcrumbs me

It seems you are more self aware than you give yourself credit for, when you describe how you are in love with the fantasy. It sounds pretty miserable to be with her tbh, don’t let your fantasy life blind you to that.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6646   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8787091

LostOpportunities20 ( member #74401) posted at 5:28 PM on Sunday, April 16th, 2023

The kids you share with exW are almost adults.

You exW is clearly a toxic and manipulative person

You realize this ain't right

I think you know the answer. You had a little fun. Leave it at that. She's not changing. She is using you, and from her behavior, seems to have gotten the use she wanted and is falling back into her patterns.


BH (50s) WW (50s) EA 2008, EA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

Not sure what to call it, but I guess we're in R.

posts: 221   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8787111

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:22 PM on Sunday, April 16th, 2023

She's done absolutely no work to become safe.

She's still abusive.

She's still a liar.

She still gaslights you.

She still manipulates you.

She's still dismissive of your pain.

She doesn't act as if she loves you.

What exactly is there to love about her? She sounds like a terrible person.

You don't love her. You love who you want her to be. Who she pretends to be.

Run. And, this time,stay gone.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6704   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8787124

annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:46 PM on Sunday, April 16th, 2023

Run, Forest, Run!

Honestly, I would want to know exactly what was happening in her life when she decided she loved you again. rolleyes

She put you through hell, walk away and go NC except for your two children.

She doesn't love you, she's using you when it's convenient for her.

You deserve better.

posts: 12155   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8787126

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:12 PM on Sunday, April 16th, 2023

I don’t know why you get sucked into her drama but for those in the peanut gallery — she’s using you.

Now block her number and stop hoping she’s going to change. She’s not!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13946   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8787134

gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 4:17 PM on Monday, April 17th, 2023

I ask this in the kindest, most respectful way: OP, are you a masochist?

posts: 370   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8787212

Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 1:59 AM on Tuesday, April 18th, 2023

There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery.If you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, why not bungee jumping off a bridge span? For an extra thrill, don’t anchor the cord.

posts: 907   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8787289

 Thefly559 (original poster member #40268) posted at 2:21 PM on Tuesday, April 18th, 2023

Well thank you for the responses . Running away is what i am doing yet as im sure all on here know that is necessary but not easy . I have done significant work on myself in the years since d day . To answer the questions of the inexperienced ( politely ) No I do not enjoy abuse and no im not uneducated or stupid or a masocist. Learning about the actions of covert/ malignant / sociopathic narcissist might help you guys understand why i agreed to try again , as it seems most of you also have. The abuse is hidden and slow and insidious over time , the cortisol that our brain releases during the highs and love bombing is like drugs. We as humans chase that . Not realizing or not wanting to realize its not real. For ten years I was recovering , the first five were hell , last five much easier. My life is just there now just going through motions. She knew how to get me back because she knew me from childhood. But i do not feel we know each other now. I cant unsee her ugliness and she cant see my greatness. Thanks again for the responses , this site is great and a life saver for many.

"respect? you don't deserve it, you won't get any from me unless you earn it"

posts: 1033   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2013   ·   location: nyc
id 8787319

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 4:31 PM on Tuesday, April 18th, 2023

Good for you!!! As you see she hasn’t changed at all. She sees you getting over her and moving on, her ego can’t handle that. She has to feel like she can control you.

Time for NC and a deep breath of relief

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3453   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8787343

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 11:18 PM on Tuesday, April 18th, 2023

Run. And, this time,stay gone.

This ^^^ she sounds like a narcissist with the push and pull and intermittent reinforcement. The lovebombing to get you back under her manipulation is another tactic. You may be trauma bonded not "in love with her." It's good you are no contact I would definitely move on. You tried this for a second time and it failed because she is an abusive person.

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014

posts: 8795   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8787430

Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 11:41 AM on Wednesday, April 19th, 2023

I may be slightly different than some who have responded here. I’m sure quite a few have heard my story and know where I’ve been and where I’m currently at/going. The people on this site have helped me to gain strength in myself and my self worth. They’ve helped me to realize my own value and that it’s ok to want what I want (to be around people you can trust, count on, and believe in). Some here are saying run. This is where I’m slightly different in that I say walk. Casually walk forward to a life that you want. Do it with a confident and calm demeanor. For me there is a strong sense of confidence in myself if instead of running away as if in a panicked mentality, I can calmly walk away giving me the time to fully absorb the feeling of the power I possess. On one side it will show your ex that you have become more confident in yourself and that type of behavior is no longer acceptable to you, and on the other if will allow you the time to realize your self worth and the inner strength you actually possess to be able to move towards a happier place. As many have told me, there are plenty of potential companions out there who would be happy to be with someone loyal, committed, and safe. This is not scientific research I’m spewing, just my personal experience I’m learning through this hell I’ve traveled in. Once you get it in your head what you really want and that you’ll accept nothing less, then you uncork the bottle that lets out the strength you never knew you had.

posts: 243   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8787495
Topic is Sleeping.
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