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I had noticed my wife was partying a lot more, working late etc. She has now told me although she has not tried yet, she wants to be with other guys and that we should have an open relationship.

I'm not sure what to do or what to expect here! My hope is it will fizzle out and not really happen but wondered what others feel?

Any advice, views or ideas welcomed. I am still in the 'where did that come from??' stage!

My hope is it will fizzle out and not really happen but wondered what others feel?

By the time an open relationship is mentioned, at the very least they have already connected and selected potential candidates. This isn't going to fizzle out so remove that bit of hopium from your thought process. If anything, it's going to accelerate now that she's pitched th open marriage hand grenade into your marriage. If she hasn't already had sex with another man, asking you to open the marriage is a way of relieving any guilt she might have to move forward. In a wayward's mind, it's not cheating if you know they are going to do it.

What do you want? Do you see yourself accepting her sleeping with other men? If not, your best path would be proceeding with Divorce.

[This message edited by grubs at 4:50 PM, Tuesday, May 30th]

Since you're here, I suspect that you're deducing that she very likely already "opened" the relationship.

I think I'd either say, "Nope, not interested" and call a lawyer, or say "Give me some time to think about that" and then call a PI. And then probably a lawyer.

Read "Totally confused and all over the place" further down this page. It will take a while.

Then PM me if needed. I am very happy to try and help someone not end up in the clusterfuck that is my current life....

I regret to inform you that you're already in an open relationship. She's not asking for permission; she's asking for your approval to do whatever she is already doing (or has already planned on doing).

The user HurtHalo had an extensive thread on JFO that began with his wife asking for an open relationship, led to the uncovering of years of physical and emotional affairs, and ultimately resulted in divorce: https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=656412&HL=41782

I recommend you read every post on that thread from beginning to end.

As for what you should do right now, hoping "it will fizzle out" is not an option. Unless the idea of your wife sleeping with and cultivating romantic relationships with other men doesn't completely thrill and excite you, your response to this "request" should be unequivocal NO. Here's how you can explain it:

"We agreed to an emotionally and sexually monogamous relationship when we got married. I refuse to share my wife with anyone else. If you want to date other men, we can get divorced so you will be free to do whatever you want as a single woman."

After you've said your peace, ask to see her phone. Then come back and tell us what shade of white she turned.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:06 PM, Tuesday, May 30th]

Sometimes passivity is a good strategy, but maintaining an M is not a context in which passivity works well.

Your W wants an open M. I guess that's OK, but it's a change in your M.

Do you want an Open M? If not, now's the time to make your wants clear. If you want to stay monogamous, you will minimize your pain by telling your W to choose between you/your M and sex with others. I know that risks her choosing others, but if that's her choice, the sooner you know, the better. I simply don't see how a marriage can endure when the 2 partners have such different views of what M should be.

Whether or not your W has already opened your M, I know you're in pain. Just be assured that you can get through the pain. The sooner you and your W decide what your M will be and make it so, the sooner you'll heal.

By the time open marriage is brought up she likely has at least one candidate in mind or may have already embarked on an emotional affair at the least. Ask for her phone, she’s probably talking to someone.

I’d make it very clear to her that you agreed to monogamy and if she can’t hold up her end you will be contacting a lawyer and starting the divorce process.

I’d also tell her that she would be thankful later if she did no more damage to her marriage, partner and herself by further compromising the vows she made until the dissolution of the marriage is complete.

Thanks all, I do appreciate the posts. I'll have a good think about all said and the situation.

She has now told me although she has not tried yet, she wants to be with other guys and that we should have an open relationship.

Your relationship is already open.

She is most likely lying, at least by omission. If she is lying by commission, she is seeking retroactive permission.

It won't fizzle out. I'm willing to bet she has a specific guy in mind.

She has a plan. Your answer to her request for an open marriage dictates how she will proceed with her plan. Your consent makes it easier for her, as it's essentially permission to do what she has plans to do. Your denial means she has to take a different more clandestine pathway to go where she wants to go, which actually means to be with who she wants to be with.

Understand, an open relationship is a concept. Her intention is to entertain the company of certain individual(s). No concept here. It's infidelity. If you ask who does she have in mind, it's unlikely she'll be straight with you as she intends to conceal that person's identity should you decide to deny her request.

All in all, the fact you chose to post on an infidelity sight tells me your gut is telling you something. If there's one common agreement among the posters here, "trusting your gut" is a strong recommendation everyone backs. Trust your gut well and have more confidence in it than you do of her words. If her words have more influence than your gut, then your path to surviving infidelity, will be more difficult.

Agree with others. She is doing something or getting ready to.

Is this the marriage you want? A woman who is out partying all the time without you and wants to create a bigger space?

If you do not want an open marriage I would not be passive about that. In fact, I would sit down and write down for yourself what your hopes are from a marriage: what things are important to you? How far off is that from what you are holding on to?

daveo... You need to think that this "urge" to have sex with other people is really, really gagging huge with her at this moment. She would not consider bringing up this subject with you if it wasn't really digging at her.

Therefore, you need to consider that if you say "NO", she will resent you from holding back on her pleasure.

As her resentment grows she will find ways to scratch her itch and cheat on you. You can probably take that to the bank.

We have seen this subject brought up many times where the person bringing up the subject already has a candidate in mind they want to go with. So, if you two happen to be casually discussing the subject, you might ask her, "Who did you have in mind to have sex with first"? Watch her reaction. If she says "no one in particular" watch where her eyes are looking when she says it. If she looks you in the eyes, then she might be honest. If she looks down and away when she says it, you can rest assured she is lying and there is already someone else she wants to fuck.

Or, she might already be cheating with Candidate #1 and it is getting messy trying to hide it. So, she wants to get it out in the open and make her affair more convenient for her. You are only an afterthought to her at this time. So, she tells you that she wants to have sex with John from accounting and thought she would run it by you first. Chances are that she and John from accounting have already "bumped uglies".

So, then you ask her, "How many times were you planning on having sex with John from accounting? 1 time, or maybe 2 times... Surely that would be enough, don't you think?". If she is already emotionally involved with him or already fucking him, then this might throw her for a loop. Again watch her reaction to your questions.

Then you can tell her that you will give her an answer very soon.

Ozzy1788 responded to you. Look at his conversation thread on this forum. His wife wanted to open their marriage and you can see all the craziness now going on in his marriage.

At this moment I would suggest you become a Super Sleuth, or else hire a Private Investigator. You already have problems with your marriage. You might want to also begin interviewing divorce and family law attorneys so you can get a good view of the landscape in the future if you come to a point in your marriage where you are considering either getting a divorce or reconciling with a cheater.

Good luck.

She has now told me although she has not tried yet, she wants to be with other guys and that we should have an open relationship.

And your response to her was what exactly???

My hope is it will fizzle out and not really happen

So you already KNOW you are not interested in this idea. Please tell me that you did not betray yourself and your own needs to "go along to get along." Please tell me that you said, "No, not interested." It's not too late to tell her that you've given it thought and do not want this type of R.

If she chooses to open the M anyway, knowing you hate the idea, then she's already gone. If she chooses a D, honestly, who would be on her side? "I had to file for D. He wouldn't let me have sex with other people." She is being completely unreasonable and needs IC.

Do not betray yourself. You will regret it. No is a complete sentence with something this important.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:02 PM, Tuesday, May 30th]

Read Ozzy1788's thread "Completely confused and all over the place."

I think you already know what this means and where it will lead. I also think you also have an pretty good idea on what to do, but you are just hoping someone might have a different option.

Again thanks all. I think you are all correct in I am tending to think it did not happen, trying to find ways to play it down.

I will try to put some direct questions to her and carefully gauge the responses.

Here are some direct questions:

What have you been working late on?

Can I see your timecards?

Tell her "so you want an open relationship? Ok, unlock your phone right now and hand it to me". Her reaction will tell you exactly what’s going on.

The highest and most likely probability for this scenario (95%) is that she has already opened up the marriage without your knowledge. And now that it has already begun behind your back she is telling you because she has already selected someone or more than one someone else. This way she can appease her conscience and say that she told you. That is just to say that she told you what she wanted so what is the big deal and why are you so upset about it when she already told you?

The other tell-tale signs are that she is partying a lot more (assuming that means without you) and also "working late". Yeah right. The collective wisdom on here will tell you that cheaters lie and lie a lot. If you want to put her on the spot then ask specific questions about what she has been working late on and with whom? Pay attention to her reaction.

If she wants to open up the marriage then she should have no problem letting you see her phone activity. I mean if you are being asked to even consider such a big change to let other men fuck your wife then she should at least be willing to let you see that she has told you the truth regarding "she has not tried yet". Because an open marriage would require all kinds of trust and agreed upon boundaries. So if she wants you to do that for her then she should at least be willing to show you her phone activity so that you know you can trust her to be telling you the truth.

However, the truth is that cheaters delete evidence all the time and use other means to hide their cheating activity. My ex-wife was using cell phone apps that I had never even heard about before. When I asked to see her phone I could not find a thing incriminating on it. But it was on there all right. I just didn't know where to find it since she was communicating with him through other apps. So be careful. What appears to be a clean phone is very often not a clean phone at all.

The bottom line is what do you want?

No woman will ask to fuck other guys unless she has already tasted the forbidden fruit or is champing at the bit with a boyfriend in waiting.

This is not an intellectual exercise. She is setting you up. We see these all the time here. They NEVER go well.