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The Broken Plate Analogy

I was considering the broken plate analogy the other day when it occurred to me that it is, in fact, an incomplete thought. If you’re unaware of the analogy of which I speak it goes something like this:

"Grab a plate. Now break it on the floor. Now tell it you’re sorry. Is it fixed? No? Now you understand."

It makes sense. It gets the point across but lacks the punch that the "plate" in any scenario really feels.

In my mind the scenario goes like this:

Grab a plate. Smash it. Tell it your sorry. The plate believes you that you are sorry and forgives you but it is still broken. Now comes the sticky part. You feel bad that the plate is still broken so you try to fix it. Glue, duct tape, anything that will put the pieces back together for the plate. The plate is grateful. You feel good for helping put the plate back together. And you are both happy for a time while the plate is letting the glue dry and from all outward appearances the plate looks fine. But the plate still remembers being dropped and can feel the cracks because they are part of the plate now.

Here’s where it gets really troublesome. More time passes and everything is good between you and the plate. You actually start to forget that you broke the plate and feel like everything is back to normal. Even the plate feels good again. After some regular wear, the cracks are really starting to fade. But the plate still gets nervous sometimes when you go to touch it. It gets that little reminder of how it felt being smashed and is nervous about it happening again. You reassure the plate you would never break it again. You say you are sorry for dropping it in the first place. The plate still believes you. You cherish the plate and don’t want to ever damage it again.

The problem is damage. You can clean and wash the plate and care for it. You can be careful with the plate and make sure you don’t do anything that could break the plate again. But the cracks are still there no matter how much time passes. And when you go to put something heavy on the plate again the stress can make the glue come undone and those cracks never let the plate be as strong as it was originally. The plate wants to be strong again. It wants to carry everything you want to put on it. But the weight of the things you want to put on the plate sometimes cause those old cracks to hurt and feel more prominent.

My advice, never intentionally break a plate.

When you 'break the plate' - whether intentionally (as in willfully) or accidentally (???!!) - life with the 'broken plate' will never be the same as the 'before'

In life we all get chipped, dinged, and broken to varying degrees along the way. That brokenness doesn't go away just because the WS does. I'm broken, but I've spent time inspecting and reinforcing those weak joints. To the point that they are stronger than when unblemished. So much so that my current wife had no idea until a few years ago how damaged I was. If, and that is a big if, the plate dropper is truly remorseful, they will be much more likely to handle plates with care having seen the results. Mine surely wasn't and jumped to a new plate with different damage that she didn't inflict. It was easier for her to accept that. FWIW, now that my current wife, a former plate dropper herself, has seen the cracks, it's easier as we have two people keeping an eye on them and fixing them earlier when they start to strain.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:27 PM, Tuesday, July 18th]

I also like this analogy from a Lady Gaga song: "Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broke[], but you can still see the cracks in the the m*****f****** reflection."

That is true for me. When my STBXH cheated when we'd been dating for 2 months I felt like the plate below, broken, but I loved him so much and I so deeply believed the false narrative of "the one" and finding "your person" that I stayed. I also think I bought into the scarcity idea, that there weren't enough good men out there that I might as well try and rehabilitate the one I had.

Fast forward 17 years and he admits to having an affair. I knew I couldn't stay because I could still see the cracks in the reflection even though it had been so long.

I am now in a new relationship. I don't know how long it will last, it could end today, but it feels very different being with someone who has never cheated on me (or anyone, for that matter). It's not that I don't get flair ups of trust issues, but it's very different than it was with my STBXH who had shown his capacity for douchery already. Basically, even if once a cheater always a cheater isn't 100% true in all cases, it is 100% true that once a cheater, the BS will always see the capacity for cheating in that person.

Plates are inanimate. People are not.

We have a lot of control over our response to being betrayed. We also usually have all the time we need to try out different responses.

One can come through this experience stronger than when one started on the path to healing. The increased strength doesn't come easily or quickly, one has to believe it's possible, and it takes work to develop it, but it's eminently possible to thrive after being betrayed.

Good analogy...thanks for sharing!

I have seen different analogies like this before. A crumpled paper...a different flavor cake than what was expected...etc. They all deal with LOSS. This is very REAL. What bothers me about all of this is that these analogies want things to go back to the way things WERE.

I NEVER wanted that. I can use this broken plate analogy. The plate was alright and served its purpose. Much like my M. I LOVED my M...it was comfortable...sweet...and I grew accustomed to it. Just like the plate...my H shattered our M with his adultery. It would NEVER be the way it was. I GRIEVED over it.

Looking at our broken M though...I could see where it could have always been better...only we didn't treat it like the treasure we should have. Just like a plate that we often take for granted...until it is shattered.

WE took the broken pieces of the plate...added mastic glue to it...and rearranged the pieces of the plate where WE wanted them. We still had the same plate...only now...we made a BEAUTIFUL mosaic out of it! WE DID THAT...TOGETHER! Thanks to all of the extra stuff added to it...our mosaic plate is now even stronger and can hold way more than it ever did by itself!

If ALL we look at in life is what USED to be...we will NEVER see the VALUE and BEAUTY in what IS. NONE of us can go BACK. BUT...we can all move FORWARD. Staying in the same place...wanting what WAS...that is the real tragedy.

Although the plate is inanimate, I appreciate the analogy when it is applied only to the personal healing of the betrayed spouse. Furthermore, I would add that the plate suffers a mosaic of fine hairline cracks and tiny fissures from the weight placed on it by the lies, deception and outright denial of infidelity when there are Red Flag signs that the plate is being mishandled, and casually or maliciously placed in a position where it risks being dropped or tossed to the floor.
I like to think of a different analogy for creating a better new relationship and that is best described as WW and I are sitting with wet hands across from each other on opposite sides of an old treadle operated potter's wheel. I push down on the treadle for five minutes, then WW takes her turn as we shape the clay together until a vase is formed, her hands and mine bringing something potentially very beautiful from the previously shapeless clay. We then fire the vase before decorating it together and when it cools, we agree on a very safe and secure place to display he vase into which we we place our new commitment, our love and playful affection, our new found security comfort and ease with each other, as we deposit empathy and concern for each other and withdraw what we need, ever careful to keep the marriage vase near to full. This is why despite everything, the pain and the accidental triggers, especially of some bitter memories of how she treated me when in the full addiction mode of her sffair, this is why I chose to stay and reconcile when I could have easily and justifiably walked away.

it is 100% true that once a cheater, the BS will always see the capacity for cheating in that person.

Absolutely and this is why cheating will ALWAYs be a dealbreaker for me. I'm not reconciliation material

I'm also in a new relationship and am being treated a thousand times better than my XWS. He also has feelings, empathy and compassion. Now if he cheats it's done because I become someone that I don't like after a person cheats. R isn't for everyone. It definitely wasn't for me. Having the A always in the background of my life was excruciating to me. My mind and soul couldn't find peace. Not the peace that I have now.