AllThatJazz, You have a PM.
Healing is an action. The people who heal most are those who set boundaries, maintain them, and impose consequences as appropriate.
¬¬¬Let's go back to basics:
I recommend thinking of R as 3 healings:
1) You heal you. Most BSes are inundated with immense amounts of grief, anger, fear, and/or shame on d-day. The largest part of your work is to process those feelings out of your body. A good IC can help you do this.
2) Your WS heals themself. They need to change from cheater to good partner. I think that requires IC for the WS, but others disagree.
3) Together you build a new M.
This means you can recover from being betrayed without your WS; that is, you can survive this crisis and thrive without your WS, but you need your WS to R(econcile). You can heal yourself because you control yourself. You don't control your WS. I recommend making survive and thrive your primary goal and R your stretch goal.
Have you read the Healing Library here? If not, there's a lot of good stuff there. Click the link in the yellow box in the upper left of the SI pages.
I think there are a number of keys ingredients to the decision to R.
First, what do you want? Do you really want R? If not, don't lie to yourself. R is hard work, and wanting it makes it less difficult, but both D and R are moral responses to being betrayed.
If you want R, I recommend figuring out your requirements for R and seeing if your W will sign on. If they won't, perhaps they can come up with something else that will meet your requirements, but if you can't negotiate something truly acceptable to both of you, great - you can go directly to D. Otherwise, you can monitor them for 3-6 months and commit to R for yourself if they are (is?) consistent in meeting your requirements.
The requirements need to be observable and measurable. That way it's easy to monitor progress and make adjustments as you go along.
Common requirements include:
NC - no contact with ap; if ap initiates contact, report to BS and together decide how to respond
Transparency - BS has passwords to e-mail, voice-mail, phones, etc.; WS keeps BS informed of whereabouts, activities, and companions at virtually all times
Honesty - WS answers BS's questions when they're asked, although sometimes a break is necessary, sometimes an answer is best deferred to MC session, etc., no more lies.
IC for WS - to change the thoughts and feelings that supported the A, with signed release that enables C to talk with BS about WS's goals and progress (so the BS can make sure WS's IC isn't being lied to).
IC for BS - for support - and for resolving any internal issue that comes up
MC - to help communications between the partners, if one or both partners want MC
Some (Most?) people have individual requirements - my W had to arrange dates for us on a weekly basis and must initiate sex sometimes. What do you want from your W?
And R is a joint endeavor - if one of you hides objections to the other's requirements, you sabotage R. And you have to see your WS as a human being of worth equal to your own to make R work. You don't have to see your WS as a human being equal to you to recover, but you sure can't R, except with an equal. (This is what Wallop meant when he wrote 'Pleased to meet you', IMO.)
R is very rewarding when both partners want it an do the work. It seems to be hell on earth, though, unless both do that work. Being betrayed is bad enough - spare yourself the pain unless you want the reward and have a partner who will join you in the process.
*****
IOW, do not hope your W maintains NC. Make it a requirement, and impose a sanction (up to and including D) if she breaks it.
*****
Moving to G.
