Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: jpickup0824

Just Found Out :
Like I've Never Used My Eyes Before

default

 AllThatJazz (original poster new member #86320) posted at 6:48 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

This isn’t a woman who at all understands the impact of what she has done, or its impact on others...It’s a problem because you can’t reconcile with a person who simply wants to sweep it under the rug. I’m sorry but this isn’t her trying, or getting it.

This is exactly how it feels to me too. "I made a mistake..." over and over again, like apologizing for it repeatedly fixes anything. And also a "mistake" like she forgot to flip the chicken patties over or something.

She also is having a hard time accepting that my emotions are all over the place. She doesn't want to hear how I feel when I'm angry, only when I'm relatively happy and "trying to work on things"...

I think the hardest part of this is how eye-opening it is. I'll probably never see her the same way. Is now the real her? From her actions, then and now, it seems like her basic morality is whatever is best for her at any given moment. A year ago I would have said she was the most moral person I had ever met.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2025
id 8871961
default

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 6:52 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

Following up on Jamb. Why is it that your wife’s problems are more important than yours? Please read Lying by Jonathan Wallace in the ethical spectacle.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:53 PM, Monday, July 7th]

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4615   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8871962
default

Jambomo ( member #74853) posted at 6:56 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

I had been with my partner for 14 years when we split up and I was the same, I desperately wanted to stay together and make it work, even the second time I found out the affair was still going.

. I'll probably never see her the same way. Is now the real her?

This, or a form of this, was what made me leave. I just knew things would never be the same way. That we could never go back to how things were, simply because I would never trust him again, he had done something that fundamentally shifted my view of him.

If you can never go back, then the only way is forward and through the shitmountain that comes with it.

posts: 263   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8871964
default

 AllThatJazz (original poster new member #86320) posted at 6:57 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

I wouldn't say that my wife's problems are more important, but she certainly stands more to lose if it blows up publicly. I can adapt to stuff like that really easily. She has only ever worked one job (she's 48), and she is a highly respected member of our community, on all the boards, wins meaningless awards every year, etc. AP is a public figure as well (school coach). OBS and I, while good standing members of our town, are more behind-the-scenes. My wife is also someone who many people go to for relationship and moral advice, so she stands to take a pretty big smack from the Hypocrisy Hammer.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2025
id 8871965
default

WishidleftHer ( member #78703) posted at 7:53 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

I'm so sorry your here.

Can I ask why your WW told you about the A ?
Was she about to be outed or maybe caught by someone that you know ?

Me: BH 74. Her: WW 70 Dday over 35 years ago and still feels like yesterday.

posts: 122   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Capital district, NY
id 8871968
default

 AllThatJazz (original poster new member #86320) posted at 8:03 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

Can I ask why your WW told you about the A ?

It's complicated, but the gist of it is last year she initiated a conversation about us having an open marriage. We were not in a good place, but obviously a lot worse than I thought we were. I agreed to the open relationship, and then months passed. I asked if she was doing anything and she said no. I also wasn't doing anything. Then I had an opportunity, so I let my wife know and she said go for it. I spent a few hours making sure I really thought it was okay with her. Then I went for it.

When I got home, we talked about it in a fun tone. Then she told me that she had been messing around with someone too. Not AP, but also someone she works with and is involved with our kids...both of which were against HER rules for the open marriage. That was a little rough, but I guess whatever.

But then she told me about AP. I think she seriously thought since we were in an open marriage, that it applied retroactively to her 8-year affair with a family friend.

A big part of me thinks the whole open marriage thing was so she 1) could hook up with that other coworker and 2) so she could admit to her affair without getting in any trouble.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2025
id 8871969
default

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:20 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

I’m sorry you have been hit by infidelity in your marriage but you will get great support from us here at SI.

I would be most concerned about the effect the affair being made public Will have on your kids. And the APs kids as well.

I think that there has to be some plan on what will happen as this becomes public. A plan for you (how you will teach t or what you will say). A plan for your kids. A plan for her career. A plan on how to or how not to respond when this comes up.

FWIW your wife may take a bigger hit in this. More so than the OM/AP in this situation.

Unfortunately at the time your wife suggested an open marriage, that should have maybe been a clue she had already been cheating. It’s unfortunate she chose to have an affair and also chose to pick someone that has a bigger impact on your life (vs some random guy she cheated with).

She’s not able to hide from this. She can no longer control it all. And I suspect none of the kids will continue to be friends.

Aftermath. Fallout. Consequences. How sad.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14768   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8871970
default

farsidejunky ( member #49392) posted at 8:28 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

She says she can avoid him.

She also hid the affair for EIGHT YEARS, and the physical aspect of it until just recently.

She is effectively asking you to "trust her". Has she earned that trust? Given that question is rhetorical, why are you choosing to continue to extend said trust to her when she has taken action after action, over the course of several years, to crush it?

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

-Maya Angelou

posts: 681   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2015   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8871971
default

farsidejunky ( member #49392) posted at 8:31 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

A good person does the right thing even when it might mean negative repercussions.

So...when she chooses to not do the right thing (again again), what will your response be? If you cannot reasonably answer this question, you are in for a world of additional hurt.


ETA: Watch less of what she says, and watch more of what she does. Even from our distant purview, it is clear her actions and words are not aligned.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 8:33 PM, Monday, July 7th]

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

-Maya Angelou

posts: 681   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2015   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8871973
default

 AllThatJazz (original poster new member #86320) posted at 8:45 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

Thank you all for your insights.

I would be most concerned about the effect the affair being made public Will have on your kids. And the APs kids as well.

And this is why I haven't done anything yet. All the kids involved are great kids, academic powerhouses and good people. Between us we are really looking at 3-4 potential valedictorians. It's very hard to knowingly do something that can upset that, even when it is the right thing to do. (So I understand her view, but it still isn't right.)

None of the kids, however, has really had to deal with much adversity. I don't want to be the cause of any child's death if they can't cope.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2025
id 8871976
default

asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 8:48 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

I think she seriously thought since we were in an open marriage, that it applied retroactively to her 8-year affair with a family friend.

Her actions say she still thinks this.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 674   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8871977
default

asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 8:52 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

I don't want to be the cause of any child's death if they can't cope.

You are taking on way too much of her weight here.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 674   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8871979
default

Jambomo ( member #74853) posted at 9:17 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

None of the kids, however, has really had to deal with much adversity. I don't want to be the cause of any child's death if they can't cope.

I think you are catastrophising here a bit. Understandable, especially this early in but kids are resilient, they also pick up on unhappy situations. Staying for the kids has never been the win people Imagined it was. Yes divorce is upsetting and miserable for the kids but unhappy parents and a miserable home life is as well.

You and your wife need to stop thinking that if you do X then you can stop everyone from being hurt or impacted by the consequences of your wife’s decisions. You can’t.

Staying and reconciling in the manner you are talking about isn’t reconciliation at all, it’s just pretending to be ok and pretending to forget about it. Staying and reconciling requires truth, honesty and openness to everyone, given how close you were it’s inevitable people will find out, that’s the kids, the OBS, because not interacting anymore will raise massive flags. Reconciliation hurts a damned lot as well, it’s not some kind of easy status quo option.

posts: 263   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8871980
default

ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 9:31 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

She's got a pretty damn clear moral choice she could make right now. Tell OBS. It's right. There is no gray there. A good person does the right thing even when it might mean negative repercussions.

I think the hardest part of this is how eye-opening it is. I'll probably never see her the same way. Is now the real her? From her actions, then and now, it seems like her basic morality is whatever is best for her at any given moment. A year ago I would have said she was the most moral person I had ever met.

Then she told me that she had been messing around with someone too. Not AP, but also someone she works with and is involved with our kids...both of which were against HER rules for the open marriage. That was a little rough, but I guess whatever.

A big part of me thinks the whole open marriage thing was so she 1) could hook up with that other coworker and 2) so she could admit to her affair without getting in any trouble.


There is an obvious pattern at play here when you look at the absence of morals at play in your wife’s actions. A "good person" doesn’t cheat. It certainly doesn’t carry on for 8 years if it’s "a mistake". If you read stories on this and other forums pertaining to infidelity, there are countless stories of infidelity that come to light with the words "she/he asked for an open marriage". Without fail ,the WS is already deep into an affair or has a "candidate" lined up. Looking to "slip by on a technicality"? Quite possibly. There is also an aspect IMO to get the BS to go outside the marriage so they can say "you did it too". But look at the difference in your behavior in the open marriage vs hers. You communicated BEFORE and checked in. You observed the boundaries. She did not initially disclose an activity until you did. Then it turns out she didn’t adhere to boundaries SHE set. What’s another name for "open marriage"? "Ethical non-monogamy". She wasn’t even ethical in that after you agreed to open the marriage. She has (at least) TWO APs, not just the one! Is she saying "they just messed around" and never had sex as well? Your title to this thread should be your answer.

My wife was a serial cheater through the first 20 years of our marriage (details in my bio). I heard a LOT of the same things you are hearing (affair went on for months/years but only one instance of intercourse and the affair immediately ended) that turned out to be utter BS. The one "truth" my wife did say when describing her "whys" around cheating? She lacked morals. This came as a shock to me. I had known my wife nearly 40 years on D-Day but I soon realized I didn’t know her at all. She was a serial cheater and a liar. Her first instinct was to lie. She was also EXTREMELY selfish (this I knew but not to what degree). How people perceived her was of utmost importance. If the world found out the truth about her, she would be devastated. I truly feel she only wanted to stay together to avoid the truth coming out about her. My pain? She could give 2 shits about that.

My wife’s last affair was 20 years ago. But the character flaws that allowed her to cheat are all still there. The lack of morals, the lying, the selfishness, the lack of empathy. She’s not a good life partner. She also has brain cancer so I am "dribbling out the clock" instead of divorcing her. So her secrets will remain safe.

Do you REALLY feel the actions and behaviors your wife is displaying right now demonstrate the ability to "do the right thing" and be a good "life partner" for you and the kids? How can she and the AP possibly truly be NC as intertwined as your lives are? OBS will notice "something’s off". How bad will the fallout be when things ultimately get exposed (when the affair doesn’t truly end, the OBS or one of the kids finds out, someone at work finds out) and then everyone finds out you knew and kept quiet as well? You are all walking a tightrope carrying lit sticks of dynamite. The odds of things "working out" as the relationships are currently constructed are minimal.

There probably are no good answers to "what should we do". But things are likely to blow up one way or another. None of that is your fault. This is your wife and her AP’s doing. Don’t be dragged down by her lack of morals. Don’t let her control the narrative and actions. Don’t take ANY blame for what has happened or what WILL happen.

Me: BH (62)

Her: WW (61)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 199   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8871981
default

 AllThatJazz (original poster new member #86320) posted at 9:38 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

Chump and Jamb, those were both very helpful posts. I have nothing to add to them except thanks!

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2025
id 8871982
default

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 9:56 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

She has only ever worked one job (she's 48), and she is a highly respected member of our community, on all the boards, wins meaningless awards every year, etc. AP is a public figure as well (school coach). OBS and I, while good standing members of our town, are more behind-the-scenes. My wife is also someone who many people go to for relationship and moral advice, so she stands to take a pretty big smack from the Hypocrisy Hammer.

. Move. Get your kids out of this town (3+ hours away) before the shit hits the fan. There's no way there isn't evidence simmering somewhere that will spark the boom when you least expect it. Two public figures spending time together and getting touchy feely with each other gets noticed. There's a decent chance that something AP or OBS says to you will trigger a reaction that in itself will out the affair. It's not fair that your wife expects you to torment yourself with those continued interactions. If she was being real, she would be extracting you, her kids, and herself from the danger she put everyone in. That will destroy your kid's happy little world. Worst yet your "wonderful" wife will then excuse herself when it does because of your "open Marriage". Since she couldn't even be faithful in an open marriage, I wouldn't be able to trust her to be faithful in any manner. There's no way this works out well of you or your kids.

posts: 1660   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8871983
default

Jambomo ( member #74853) posted at 10:08 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

Chump and Jamb, those were both very helpful posts. I have nothing to add to them except thanks

!

I know sometimes when I write I can sound a bit harsh. I want you to know I really do wish you the best and I’m glad if I can help in any way. Everyone here has been there and we all know how hard this is.

posts: 263   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8871986
default

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 10:28 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

I'm sorry you qualify for SI membership. I'm very sorry this private pain can become public. My recos: have faith in yourself to heal and go for healing, not for R or D. You really can survive and thrive despite being betrayed.

The obs in my case learned about the A about 10 days before I did. That was almost 15 years ago, and I'm still angry at him for not letting me know. The SOB delayed my healing by those 10 days and made the pain of not knowing why my W was so depressed last 10 days longer than it could have.

I don't think it matters much why you inform OBS. She deserves to know, and whatever it takes to get you to inform her is OK, I think.

Your instinct is correct. The OBS needs to know because there's an important part of her M that she needs to know about so she can make decisions about her own life and her kids' lives.

But YOU inform OBS. I doubt she wants to hear from your W.

IMO, R is a process of resolving issues, and this is one of the 1st you'll need to resolve for R to start.

The 2nd issue is NC. R is theoretically possible with limited contact between the aps, but it's much easier if full NC is established and maintained, even for the kids. I agree one of the aps should find a new job. Both could use new jobs, as long as the jobs are not close to each other or in the same company. The theory is that the aps will find it harder to detach if they continue to see each other.

*****

To be honest, I believe a series of mistakes got my W into her A. IOW, objectively speaking, I'm OK with thinking an A is a 'mistake'.

But I'd have been devastated and furious if my W used the term for her A. My W cheated because her thinking and feeling systems were fucked up.

Mistakes happen. There isn't much that can be done about that. A WS who says they made a mistake ... I think that WS understands nothing about the impact of an A, and that WS probably wants to rug-sweep.

What I wanted to hear - and apparently you do, too - is some sort of 'I cheated because of some flaw in me. Whether we R or D or just coexist, I'm going to figure out how to change from betrayer to good partner.'

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:32 PM, Monday, July 7th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31127   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8871988
default

 AllThatJazz (original poster new member #86320) posted at 11:48 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

I want to make clear that I intend to avoid AP and his family whenever possible, and I hope to God my wife does too. I’m making plans to adjust my job so I don’t have contact. Might see him randomly still though.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2025
id 8871994
default

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 11:53 PM on Monday, July 7th, 2025

Nothing disinfects like daylight. I say tell OBS. I 100% agree that not revealing the affair is essentially condoning it (as you stated in your first post). The damage from the fallout is just the consequences of their actions, not the consequences of you revealing their actions. You don't have to put your wife on blast, but OBS should know. Most people that think they can't survive the economic and social consequences of a revealed affair are simply wrong. They can survive it, it will just be painful. For you, it will be painful no matter what, regardless of consequences for your wife and AP or not.

One more vote for a polygraph on the timeline.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2947   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8871995
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy