SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Suspected cheating, gut instinct and certain behaviours I spotted. Then a friend caught him in a lie and found some stuff online and it all blew up, massive fight with him gaslighting me like mad! For once I didn’t fall for it, stood my ground and called him out. He apologised and seemed to confess and be honest about what had gone on - sexting and sending dirty pics to at least 2 people.

Cut to a few weeks later behaviours creep in again, I feel like something ain’t right and I’ve really had enough and ditch him. I won’t let him gaslight me again, then I hit a low point for other reasons and stupidly let him back in, loads of talking, he proves to me that this time he’s been totally honest and shows me everything

Well guess what! I’ve discovered more.

I am sick of being an idiot! I want to know the truth but it’s hard to find out.

I know it’s not the point but I need to know! I need to know the whole story, not bits and pieces I need closure.

I need to know exactly how many, what’s gone on, how long for and when and I don’t know how.

Can anyone help? And yea I know I should walk away but I am majorly ticked off and want to nail him on this - no maybes no uncertainty I need to know once and for all

Not married? Run. He failed the boyfriend test. Sorry, I know the feeling so well.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that he's put you through this. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned to the top that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some posts that aren't pinned but have bull's eye icons that are good resources, but you may need to scroll to find them. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and is another spot with some great resources.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed counselor can be helpful. If you have problems with depression or sleeping, you may wish to visit your doctor for some meds. If there's a possibility that he's had a PA (physical affair), you may want to be tested for STDs/STIs.

He's shown you that he's a liar, so you probably wouldn't tell you the truth anyway. You may never know how many, and if he's been doing stuff on-line, he may not even remember them all. And he may not even care if you try to nail him on it. Some people just don't care because they're the one that is fine and everybody else is the problem.

Thanks for replies. I’m furious hurt confused I want the truth and I’m scared I’m never gonna know! How can I find the truth?

The "truth" is staring you right in the face. I’m not saying you have 100% truth but you know enough to know exactly what you are dealing with.

He’s manipulative and a known liar.

He’s cheated.

He’s not going to commit to monogamy or the kind of relationship YOU want.

His words mean nothing as evidenced by his shady behavior a few weeks after "catching" him.

I would like to point out that this may be a compulsive or addictive behavior for him. If that is true he will/may need professional help to overcome this behavior— if he truly wants to stop.

If he doesn’t want to stop then it will continue.

Most betrayed partners or spouses never get 100% of the truth. I would hate to see you investing time and energy and emotions into something that may not get you what you want.

I’d suggest getting some counseling for yourself to heal from this.

I understand you really want to nail him for this. However it most likely will not happen as liars and cheaters are like snakes - they Will slither away from the truth at every opportunity.

And even if you catch him, solid evidence - do you think he will admit it? Do you think he will beg for forgiveness? Do you think he will acknowledge he’s been caught?

You are better off IMO walking away and never looking back.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:33 AM, Friday, July 11th]

I think you're demanding something that is impossible.

I've been in R for almost 15 years. I believe I know enough, but I know there is stuff I do not and cannot know. My bet is that nothing lurks that would cause me to leave, but I could be wrong. Life is simply uncertain.

Your WSO has shown himself to protect himself with TT (trickle-truth). Aside from the fact that you can't know everything, I would urge you to accept that your WSO is an expecially bad bet for the truth.

*****

You say you must have the truth, but that's up to your WSO. There's NOTHING you or anyone here can suggest that will get him to become honest - that's his choice, and his choice alone.

You can't R without the truth, but you most definitely can heal.

*****

My reco is to look at https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/598080/the-simplified-180/ - I think it may be a good idea for you to implement it. That's not to manipulate him - it's to help you detach.

There are a number of threads in the JFO forum with bull's-eyes next to the thread title. My reco is to read the opening posts in those treads, too.

And always keep in mind: you can get through this and thrive.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:21 PM, Friday, July 11th]