SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

During wake hours, when I am in full cognizance, I am doing a skillful job at preventing myself from negative rumination. And the benefit of doing so is wonderous for my soul and my wife’s soul.

However, recently, when I’m entering or exiting the edges of sleep, where my will’s control is weakening, the hostilities of my inclination versus my diligent determination explode into hours of sleepless, wearisome, mental ruminations.

In the early stages of post D-day rumination was to be expected. I get that. I spent a hard decade, post disclosure, shadow boxing imaginations, real and unreal. Oddly, each blow seemed to injury only me and did nothing to eliminate the images that I was swing at. I knew I could not keep these images alive for it was squashing my spirit.

As the decade dragged into the 2nd and 3rd, I was rather successful at not ruminating. Nevertheless, after a recent health scare the old imaginations that once filled the void dug by the told and untold resurfaced. Which explains why I sought a place that maybe people would be willing to sit with me without judgement.

I’m deeply disappointed in this guy (Asterisk) for allowing me to fail at the vital task I had, so many years ago, successfully committed myself – full acceptance of the unacceptable.

I’m not sure we can ever fully accept it. I’ve learned to live with it, I’ve learned to manage the triggers, I‘ve accepted it happened, but I don’t think I will fully accept it.

[This message edited by Tanner at 9:44 PM, Tuesday, July 15th]

I accept what happened actually happened, but I don’t have to like it.

Part of my healing is fully, completely hating infidelity.

I will always hate what happened. It feels great to hate all of that imagery, to hate all of those old nightmares —- and to be at peace with that.

I love my life as it is now, because I am not defined by my worst moments, and certainly not defined by my wife’s worst choices.

Horrible stuff happens to humans all the time, we survive and can thrive from adversity or allow it to drag us down for all the rest of our days.

It doesn’t mean I don’t get haunted now and again, but I generally understand these days, my brain is checking up on me, making sure I am good.

I figure out most of my triggers as they land in my thoughts and understand the post-traumatic me still has some concerns. So, I address those concerns and avoid some of the longer loops re-visiting the past.

Be kind to yourself, no matter how long it takes you to get where you need to be.

I had a health scare last year, and weirdly, it has helped me focus on the present much better than before. Although, right around diagnosis day, a lot of negative thoughts kicked in from all over my history, infidelity pain flashbacks included. After that bit of being overwhelmed, I really do appreciate all of the adversity I have conquered along the way.

Asterisk,
When you say ACCEPTANCE what is the definition for you? It seems to be different for everyone so I feel like that is the starting point. Defining it.

As a side note: I read an article about the way the traumatized tend to take the mental images and make them even worse. I started wondering about that. I tried to separate what were actual memories of things I ACTUALLY SAW versus images I had constructed. A lot of the images were constructed as if I were a drone looking at something from the sidelines in the air. I could picture very vividly scenes of my husband and this OW as if I really saw them. But I didn’t. I started working on eliminating those, because after all they are not real. I tried forcing myself to think only of things I actually saw.

The article also talked about reimagining scenes. I started thinking I don’t ever need to worry (now that I’m ten years out) that I am going to forget (I’m never gonna forget) or minimize ( I actually maximize) and therefore I am safe to play with these images in my head in any way I want. I started reframing the scenes with my husband saying the things he should have said. Like "no you can’t kiss me, I’m married and I love my wife" and then pushing her away. When I picture the scene I picture all the associated senses (smell, sound, etc.). I found it lowered my blood pressure and gave me some peace. Yes, the images are the way our brains protect us from further harm but at this point, decades later whats the harm in totally rewriting them. For me it has taken away some of their power.

...after a recent health scare the old imaginations...

One trauma triggers the memories of old trauma(s). Been there and done that. Seems pretty common with betrayed spouses, at least from stories folks have shared here.

I wonder if your trip down memory lane was triggered by your health scare. Sometimes, we take measure of our lives and that inevitably drags up old shit we still haven't resolved. That doesn't change much, of course. You're working lingering issues. That's a good thing, brother. Keep digging.

...full acceptance of the unacceptable.

I never accepted infidelity, only that it happened. Big difference, I think.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 1:34 AM, Wednesday, July 16th]