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My wife has epilepsy, and it's a very touchy sore spot for her. When she was 4 months old her mother left her on a bed and left the room for a minute. Next thing she knew, my wife was on the floor and not responding. Long story short, she suffered a brain injury and had constant seizures throughout her childhood. Some Dr's predicted that she might not be much more than a vegetable at one point. Well, time passed, medicine improved, and she snapped out of it. She graduated high school, eventually met a devilishly handsome man, got married, and had a son. She had even stopped taking anti seizure meds and went seizure free for over 20 years before they started rearing their ugly head again about 20 years ago. She was put back on anti seizure meds, and they happen in frequency now anywhere from a few months to over a year in between.

Her last one was in October of last year. At that point her dr added a second anti seizure medication to her twice daily routine and she's had it under control for the last 10 or 11 months. We were of course hoping that'd be the end of it. Well, yesterday she had another one while we were out and about. A very mild one where she just blanked out for about 20 or 30 seconds and became unresponsive. It was mild, but it's still scary. When it happens I get a glimpse of what it might be like to lose her, and it's terrifying. I of course am planning to tell her Dr, but she wants to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. She doesn't want to be subjected to tests again.

She's angry. She's angry at her mother for leaving her unattended, and she's sad and angry that she has this condition at all. She's angry that she's been driving restricted for the last ten months. She's angry at me because I'm not willing to sweep it under the rug and hide it from her Dr. She cries from time to time about it and says "I shouldn't have to live this way." Well, I feel terrible, and I'm sorry, but you do live this way, and hiding an episode from your Dr is not something I'm going to be on board with. I wouldn't be surprised if the added stress of her A 4½ months ago has played a hand in this most recent episode. We're working hard on R, and have made phenomenal progress, but I'm afraid this could be a setback.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post. To vent? Maybe to have some folks tell me I'm in the right for wanting to tell her Dr about it, I suppose? This is a really sore spot for her, and she has a lot of unresolved anger about it because it's a condition that was thrust upon her due to a careless mistake made by her own mother. She's very close to her mother, and never says anything to her about it, but boy do I hear it sometimes. I think we're going to look into some counseling for her to help her learn to deal with this.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:07 PM, Saturday, August 30th]

This shows me that it is not only Infidelity that challenges us to forgive, and the benefits of forgiveness might never seem to balance out the life-long harm the perpetrator has inflicted, but I can't help but think your WW's burying her strong anger at her mother, so that they can remain "close," is a big problem, don't you? And I'm betting the mother is filled with regret for what happened, too.

(I know my WH buried a ton of anger at his abusive mother and unconsciously keeps acting that residual anger out on ME, as apparently his unhealed subconscious mind sees ME as a substitute for her! Ick!!

But it happens and until their anger is dealt with, nothing else really heals. Just my amateur opinion here. I wonder how often her mother has expressed regret and sorrow about this to your WW?

Is your wife in IC? I found, as a BS, that the impacts and trauma from the A brought up ALL THE ISSUES from my past that I had buried, swept under the rug, normalized, and just plain thought were no big deal (when they were, in fact, big deals to my child self). To process the A and heal, I found I had to pull all that crap out and deal with it all. Fun? No. Am I happy, better adjusted, less angry, and overall better? Absolutely yes.

Your wife’s deep seated anger is reasonable but she needs to process it. I hope in time she sees how her anger at her mother doing something affected her for the rest of her life parallels how a Ws having an A affects their BS the same way. Probably too soon now - all too raw and with her seizures, probably too much to take on at the moment.

But a good IC can help her come to terms with what happened as a baby and start to heal from that, emotionally. And the body does keep score, so it may help with the seizures.

As you take care of her, please remember to take care of yourself, too.

And I think the doctor should know. My mother wasn’t up to dealing with getting a colonoscopy when her rheumatoid arthritis flared up and she ended up dead from colon cancer 18 months later. I wish we had pushed a little harder for her to somehow summon up the strength/courage then.

I can't help but think your WW's burying her strong anger at her mother, so that they can remain "close," is a big problem, don't you?

Oh, yes.

And I'm betting the mother is filled with regret for what happened, too.

She for sure is. She flat out told me "I hate myself for this" after one of my wife's seizures. My wife knows that, too. It's a really complicated situation. I know her mother has told her she feels horrible about it and has apologized to her. They're really tight otherwise. She calls her mother a couple of times a day, every day.

I've started doing some counseling so she's been asking about and showing interest herself in going. Not Just for our immediate situation, but also past trauma like her epilepsy. I think im going to nudge her into it. I think it'd do her, and both of us, some good.

As a medical professional yiu absolutely need to tell the managing physician.
It does restart the clock on the driving thing but what happens when she goes ahead and skips the workup starts driving and has another one and crashes and hurts herself or God forbid someone else.
You would never ever forgive yourself.
Seizures are no joke. I suspect the seizure issue was present from the get go vs as a result of falling, much more likely had a seizure and that why she fell.

Treatments and meds are amazing now. If you live rurally go to a big city with a med school and have full neuro workup. Someplace like MAO Cleveland Clinic, Wash U etc.
And 100000% extra stress leads to seizures.

As a medical professional yiu absolutely need to tell the managing physician.

Oh, I am. She knows I'm going to, too. How can he do what's best for her well being if he doesn't know all of the information? Fortunately, she's not making my life miserable over it. I talked to her some more today, and she agrees it's best. She's sure mad at her mom tho...

It does restart the clock on the driving thing but what happens when she goes ahead and skips the workup starts driving and has another one and crashes and hurts herself or God forbid someone else.

And that was the real battle with her. She not only has seizures, but a few cognitive blindspots, too, and one of those is sometimes she has the reasoning of a prepubescent teen. We'd gotten into a few knock down, drag our arguments over her driving with me putting my foot down and saying absolutely not. The seizures happen without warning and very sporadically. She hasn't driven for almost a year now tho, and it was really weighing hard on her. She's had a car since she was a teenager, and not being able to drive is a real blow for her. I've finally gotten her to the point (made with an article about a policeman being struck and killed by a driver who had epilepsy and didn't report their seizure to the dmv). She's finally come around. Even if her Dr releases her to drive, she's agreed to only do so in an emergency. I've been her chauffeur for almost a year now, and I think she's seeing that it hasn't impacted her freedom all that much, if at all. I've been very generous about it and don't even so much as roll my eyes when she wants to go somewhere, and lately we've been doing everything together anyway.

Seizures are no joke. I suspect the seizure issue was present from the get go vs as a result of falling, much more likely had a seizure and that why she fell.

It was most likely the fall that did it. She was fine before it happened. After she fall it was really bad. Like I said, the prognosis from some of her Dr's was that she might end up a vegetable. She was having constant seizures, several a day after the incident throughout her early childhood.

Treatments and meds are amazing now. If you live rurally go to a big city with a med school and have full neuro workup. Someplace like MAO Cleveland Clinic, Wash U etc.

And 100000% extra stress leads to seizures.

We live in the Phoenix area and she has a neurologist who specializes in epilepsy so she's in pretty good hands. We're very aware that stress is a huge factor. It's unfortunate that she made some choices that lead to as much stress as one could put on a 27 year marriage... we're working through it tho, and I'm not being an asshole about it. I'm keenly aware of the stress factor, so I do handle her with kid's gloves, tho I'm still having some moments. Fortunately for both of us she's been as much a model for a remorseful WW as one could hope for, so it makes it easier for me to handle our R.

[This message edited by Pogre at 11:35 PM, Saturday, August 30th]

I agree with Tush. Please get to the doctor on this. Somebody that used to work with me had a seizure while driving and killed two people. I’m not trying to scare you, but I’m trying to emphasize how serious this can be. I hope everything turns out OK