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I have two kids- 22 & 19. My husband and I are separated since June and working on getting divorced due to the fact that my WH has been in a relationship with another woman for two years. I am still having an extremely hard time accepting this new reality after 27 years of marriage. For my emotional sanity, I am trying to go as little as possible with him, but we still need communication for some financial issues and for our children matters. However my main reason for this post is that it is so hard for me to accept that my kids talk and spend time with my WH/their dad after he was so mean and disrespectful to me. I am ashamed to even say that because he is their dad however, their dad betrayed and hurt their mom in the worst way. My kids know I don’t want to know what he is doing or anything about his life so that when they spend time with him or text him, I feel like there is a wall between me and the kids. We have always had good relationships. I feel like my kids are not supporting me and in a way, betraying me. After being such a close family, the four of us -for 27 years - and then this happening it is so different and feels horrible. It’s like there are more secrets and secrets are bad!! WH was keeping secrets from me. I don’t want this from my kids. I don’t know the best way to deal with this. Another horrible thing that comes from my a&$hole husband’s affair…

This part was difficult for me to navigate as well but it does get better. I felt just like you and because my ex is a narcissist and abused me mentally and physically on 2 occasions I couldn’t fathom why my kids wanted to spend time with him and it felt like you said a wall between me and them with secrets and resentment. I failed in the the first year or so because there would be occasional slip ups from me bad mouthing their dad. I wish I could have reigned my emotions in enough to not have done that but I have since gotten control and the help I needed to heal. I no longer care what their dad does and it doesn’t bother me their relationship with him or anything pertaining to him. The shift happened in the 2nd year after leaving him and it has gotten so much better, easier, more peaceful. I hope my kids realize I was not a healthy person during that time. We have a very strong relationship and I support them in their love of their dad now even though he is a narcissist. There are some things they see from him now that they don’t like or make them feel uncomfortable but they have established their own boundaries with him.

One day your WS will become totally irrelevant to you and you will arrive at complete indifference towards him. Your relationship with your children is YOUR relationship not your ex’s.

Lotus, I totally get what you're saying and you're completely justified in your feelings. I would be absolutely pissed if my kids were involved with a cheating ex husband and mistress and acting like this is acceptable. If they don't seem to have the right concern of you, yes, I would be pissed. BUT....I still have to realize that no one else really understands how much our broken arm or busted toe, or broken heart....of anything else.....really hurts. Not until it happens to them. People can't connect to the pain of others or they underestimate it....because it's painful to feel it. Most people want to have some kind of semblance of normalcy so they spackle. They cover up. This is their father, they want to have some kind of relationship with their genetic other half, the guy they grew up with. They probably have feelings for him you will never understand either. So I think we just have to accept that this is the way things are and try to put our own fences around it, which I think you have by not talking to them or having them talk to you about him and his situation.

I would do something else here, perhaps you already have and it didn't work, but I'd do it anyway, and sit down with the kids, individually, and talk to them in depth about the whole situation. Ask them to hear you out, even if they don't understand or disagree. Have an opportunity to tell them, without them interrupting because this is about YOU expressing your feelings, about what happened here....the kind of marriage you had or thought you had, what you know about the affair, how it started, how you found out, what happened - again, NO INTERRUPTIONS FROM THEM - this is about YOU expressing your full feelings to them - and then talking about how it makes you feel with their engagement with him. Not that you want to stop it or curtail it, but how it makes you feel. They don't understand this, maybe if you say it out loud and in detail, they'll start to understand it. My desire is not for them to cut off with him, because realistically they won't, even if I think they should, because it's their father. But this would get things off your shoulders, put it fully out in the open, have them understand in depth how you really feel, and then maybe they can be more sensitive to you and factor that into their communications or how they treat you. Mom should be treated extra special at this point because Mom has had a devastating wound that the kids have to learn to appreciate. God forbid, someday one of them might go through this - forewarned is forearmed.

Make up a timeline of the events of the affair and divorce and, make appointments for a long talk with each kid. But say what you say first without any interruptions. After you're done, then you can have a mutual discussion and an understanding. One time may not be enough either. But DO let them know what you're going through.

At first my kids wanted to see their Dad, and it broke my heart. But he has screwed them over a few times now, (canceling their plans bc of the ow, now wifetress.) and they basically started moving away from spending time with him. Oh, and the OW and XH fight a lot now!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣, and I make my home very peaceful-my sins hate drama now.

I worked REALLY hard on myself, so that when my (27 and 25) sons see me, they see a strong, mentally healthy Mom. Also, I stayed far away from xh and ow so they can fight each other, instead of joining forces over me.

I know this is hard, and it sucks. I’m sorry.

Your STBXH wants to look like a spectacular human being in front of his gf, her family, etc.
it’s all fake, and sadly he’s using your grown adult kids. It’s a hard pill to swallow, I know.

Find a therapist who deals with affair trauma and meet with your two kids and you. A neutral third party can steer through the emotional minefield while helping your kids understand the pain you live with.

My kids are the same age as yours. They've chosen to have no relationship with their father, who is now my XH, and he just as much abandoned them. So sharing my thoughts with the full recognition that I've not experienced what you are trying to navigate with your kids. But, in the first few weeks after DDay, before it was clear what the kids' relationship with their dad would be, here are some of the things I did:

- Never bad-mouthed their father (as hard as that was!). They needed one parent who could act like a respectable human being, and their dad sure wasn't setting the example
- Had open conversations with them about our marriage, his affairs, and what might happen next. I also worked hard to answer their questions. I tried to do this like a journalist would - facts, not opinions.
- Said over and over that I would support them in whatever relationship they chose to have with their dad. I also made it clear that I wanted no relationship with him, but that didn't mean that they shouldn't chose that same path. We also talked about the fact that the two kids might want different things (one might want a relationship and the other not), and that I was counting on the kids to be supportive of each other.
- Reassured them that I did not expect them to take sides or not talk to their dad as a way of showing solidarity with me.
- Told them that their job was not to be my therapist (each of us had a therapist), and encouraged them to call me out on it if they ever felt I was leaning too hard on them emotionally.

And the entire time I was telling the kids those things, I knew that it would be like a punch in the stomach if they chose to resume a relationship with him. It's hard not to feel like you're losing your kids, after losing your spouse.

I wonder if it might help you to renegotiate the boundaries with your kids. They know you don't want to know about your husband, so they're not telling you anything, and that creates secrets and walls. Is there a different line all of you could agree on, that would be helpful in opening a channel between you and your kids? Like them agreeing to let you know in advance that they plan to spend time with their dad e.g. "Just want you to know that I'm going to dad's house for dinner on Thursday night" (if they aren't already doing that)? That might help all of you feel more comfortable with the situation.

And, what new fun rituals and traditions can you create with the kids? How might you focus on what the three of you can do together instead of what they are doing with him?

I’m a bit concerned about this...
If anything, you want your kids to have a good relationship with their dad, and if you don’t talk about your emotions but still allow for them to remain close to him, you risk HIM controlling the narrative to them.

One major thing I think you need to accept and understand: Your kids are grown up... It’s a totally different game to when they were in their early teens. You can have an expectation that you can have an adult conversation with them, and make adult expectations to them.

I think that you should be open to them about your disappointment in how the marriage ended. How you had expectations for this to be forever, and that his decision to cheat and to leave you for his affair partner has forced you to make major alterations to your life. This was not your choice but something that was forced upon you.
It’s OK... You are coping... But you do have resentment.
I think it’s OK that you let your kids that you want to distance yourself from him, and have no need for any interaction more than necessary and that you really have no interest in how it’s going.
I think you should also place the responsibility of whatever communications there are between him and you because of the kids on them. 19 and 22 are adults per se. I doubt you will get child support, but he might help pay their schooling or something like that, factors that they can manage with him.

Spam

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:43 PM, Tuesday, September 2nd]