SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So the background to my story is a little different... 

My wife has been going through a mid life crisis for about 18 months' now, on top of the depression which she's always suffered from. She's been stuck in a rut and doesnt know where / how to take her life. She openly admits that she has everything that a woman could realistically want - I earn pretty darn well, no pressure for her to work, 2 healthy kids, big house, lots of holidays etc. But she since finished her phd in March 2024, apart from a few months around the end of last year and into 2025, she's been in this mid life crisis. Her depression is severe enough that she can't hold down a job, but is trying to do freelance historian work now, though delivering on some of that is difficult as she lacks of the motivation. She also suffers from migraines and needs huge amounts of sleeps and gets stuck in a tiredness < >migraine < > depression doom loop.

So on to the purpose of this site: I saw that she'd accidentally left WhatsApp open on her laptop yesterday when she went out and I saw a locked chat but the chat was open. I wasn't expecting to see anything regarding an affair, but was more looking because of her state of mind with her mid life crisis. There were various things in the chat with another man (a former colleague of hers) with lots of kisses, 'night gorgeous xxxxxxx', comments about her wanting her monthly fix with the other guy etc etc and something about bodies being next to each other (can't quite remember what). The other guy lives a couple hours away so I know its not day to day (seeing each other that is) though from the WA messages, the chat is very frequent. The messages were kind of more chatty / friendly / flirty aside from the bits above and there was nothing there about leaving their spouses etc, but clearly something is happening, even if infrequent and I don't know how long for 

Given her depression and this mid-life crisis, I think the motivation for the affair is mainly about bringing some excitement / newness into life. As I said above, she's been stuck in a rut and can believe she rationalised tis might be a way of breaking ou of it. She's also spoken of moving out before, though then realised that however far you run, you can't outrun depression. She's quite a reserved person, not someone with a massive sex drive and has never been sexually adventurous. Prior to this, she's always known right from wrong and lives her life in a proper way. She's quite traditional in that sense and we've brought the kids up to know that (I think she'd hate to think that the kids might know that Mum had an affair). She doesn't view herself as attractive and not massively happy with her body. She quite introverted and finds social occassions difficult. This guy had previously hit on her when thye worked together 15 yrs ago and she was appalled by that, however given her lack of ease with meeting people, he was probably an easy outlet.

I'd like to find a way of this ending and us working out anything wrong with our marriage, as well as obviously the more urgent problem of her solving the mid life crisis. With that goal in mind, I'm weighing up a few options for dealing with it and appreciate any views on them:

1. anonymously tipping of the spouse of the other person after getting a private investigator to find contact details. I've read online that 50%-70% of the time this results in the person staying and agreeing to behave. The downside with this is that if he moves out or is kicked out, it could then provide an easier avenue for my wife to move out too. I was about to write that that is a risk, but I guess if that was what she wanted, at least financially I wouldnt be paying spousal allowances etc

2. similar to 1, but getting the PI to speak to the other person and offer not to tell the spouse (and thereby impact his kids) if he ends all contact there and then. I like this route given that, in his shoes, I'd see a lot of downside from not complying and probably limited upside from not complying - assuming what I read was right and it's quite casual with no seeming plans to move in together etc. If this goes well, it has the potential to avoid two sets of children being impacted which has to be a big upside. It might also mean that I don't have to have the big conversation with my wife which, given her mental state, might be a good thing.

3. Confronting my wife. I'm erring away from this given my wife's depressed state. The risk which I see is that a depressed person can make quick, ill-informed decisions when pressed. Therefore I feel there's more of a chance with this that she runs even though she might not, when thinking rationally, think that this is the right thing to do.

4. waiting for it to fizzle out. Upside with this is that it avoids confrontation however I don't like this given that, unless she gets racked with guilt (and I could imagine the lying is chewing her up inside), its open-ended particularly given the relatively infrequent time they see each other.

I'd welcome any views on the best way forward given my goals.

Has anyone tried options 1 and 2 as a means to ending things?
Has anyone tried the fizzle out option and how long did it take?
Does anyone have any stats on how often this sort of fling can develop into something more, or how long it might run for?

One addition: I'm going to try to get her to see a counsellor this week for her mid-life crisis / depression. Its possible that that could bring this into the open, though I'm thinking that if its via a counselling, then the advisor would ask her why she did it, how it made her feel, how she thought it would make me feel etc...and those sort of questions might lead her to realising she's behaving inappropriately.

Any help appreciated!!
Thanks!

Adam

I’m sorry you had to see those messages.

However I think you need to be upfront and honest. Tell her you know what’s going on and this is not acceptable. It either ends now or she has to decide which is more important - her life with you or without you.

As a veteran if 2 affairs w/ my H, you cannot nice her out of cheating. I know. I tried 2x. Others here at SI will agree.

You don’t have to be mean about it but a very calm approach can make a big impact.

BTW depression does not excuse or cause cheating. Boredom maybe. But I know many depressed people who have not cheated on their spouse or partner.

I think now is when honesty is your best option.

She might qualify for HRT. Anytime you have a huge dip in hormones it affects moods. I hope she is seeing an ob/gyn. That would be the place to start.

I agree with 1stwife. You need a calm approach, but you do need to let her know that you know. You can’t live this way it wears you down from stress.

Thanks for the quick reply! Really appreciate it.

I guess my main concern is that the depressed mind thinks it can run away from problems and she's massively depressed at the moment. We've been together 18 years and this is her worst spell.

So if I deal with it head on tomorrow, am I causing her to move out when actually if I can make it stop by the approach by a PI to him, is that not better?

I'm very close to her parents and sister and they would all be appalled if they found out. I'm thinking that I can use that as increased leverage.

[This message edited by AB1978 at 11:37 PM, Saturday, September 13th]

Thanks Cooley2here. thats a good shout - she had a hysterectomy a couple years ago after some problems and then last Christmas woke up with a twisted ovary so had it removed. I can't say that I'm overly familiar with those issues but will raise it.

Thanks also for your advice. I need to think through the script for it as that should help me with thinking about it

Is there any reason why you (or the1stwife) think the indirect approach to him might not work?

Sorry, one other question: I'm thinking through that conversation in my mind and trying to war game the scenarios

Ideally she agrees to call it off immediately.

Is the alternative to that that she asks me to move out? I'm very close with my kids and I'd wouldnt want to do anything to impact that. Maybe I jstu need to work through the counter arguments if she does that....

Have you considered your wife’s depression is a consequence of her affair? I say this because that was my experience. My wife began to battle depression basically around the same time she plunged into the affair. I believe the conflict the affair created with her stated values (Christianity, traditional family) created such emotional and cognitive dissonance that it plunged her into depression.

My take:

Document, document, document the affair. Hire a PI - do not confront until you have everything nailed down

Do not take any blame for this and do not blame the marriage. Do NOT commit to marriage counseling until after you have confronted the affair and she has taken deliberate steps to end it - and you have shared what you know with the OM’s spouse or significant other - if there is one.

Before confronting, seriously consider divorce and even speak with an attorney. You need to come to a point where you’ve got some anger and backbone and REFUSE to accept any excuses or responsibility. I predict her depression will vanish fairly quickly once she realizes her silly dreams - and the falsehood that your marriage is somehow keeping her from that - is revealed to be the mirage that it is.

Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join. I'm sorry you've had to find us here.

There's a thread pinned to the top of this forum entitled: Tactical Primer. Print a copy. Read it. Learn it. Live it.

If you can hire a PI to gather info, then do it. Can't say that I approve, however, of using the OBS (other betrayed spouse) as a bargaining chip. In fact, I believe sharing everything you know with her is the moral and ethical course.

Sorry you found the need to join this group but you will reveive good advice. Do get tested for STDs. Strongly recommend telling the AP's wife. Its the right thing to let her know. Take care of you. And as said earlier do not try to nice her back. You can't control her. You only control yourself. Be calm and firm. Always value yourself. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:22 AM, Sunday, September 14th]

What makes you think she has the power to make you move out?
Why do you assume that she has the power to take your kids away from you?

I am on the same wagon as the T1W: You can’t really nice her out of this.
I have consistently for some years recommended a certain methodology and I know that it works in very many cases. That’s where you are very upfront and direct and say something like:
"Wife. I know of your affair with OM. I want you to know that you are totally free to go be with OM, date OM, move in with OM... whatever. But not as my wife.
I have made the realization that losing you is not the worst thing to happen. What is immensely worse is sharing you with another man. I don’t share my wife. I refuse to remain in infidelity and set you free of all marital expectations. I will start the formal process of terminating our marriage. That process follows the laws of our country/state and should be fair to both of us.

This is not how I envisioned our marriage to develop, but this is your choice.
If you want our marriage then you need to very clearly and verbally let me know so, and you need to meet some basic requirements that I have (the whole truth, accountability, no contact with OM, therapy and eventually marital therapy etc). But it’s totally your call – if OM is so great then you are totally free to go be with him.
The further I go along on my path out of infidelity the less inclined I am to want to save this marriage."

And that’s it. You evaluate her reaction and her actions. If she starts telling you how bad the marriage is and how she had to go get a lover (or whatever) your stock answer is:
Sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage then that would be relevant, but seeing as how you have chosen your affair over us then it’s not really worth discussing.

She starts talking about the divorce/separation:
I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to make rational decision on the process. We need an attorney to guide us.

Basically remove the drama. Remove all the points to argue. Why go there seeing as she has decided on her affair over you?
Now... If she tells you she wants this marriage... then you have your demands and requirements. You can start working on them.

The OM?
Don’t bother talking to him and definitely do NOT send an anonymous letter.
Be direct – contact his wife and let her know. He can shake off an anonymous letter like water off a duck. His wife won’t believe the letter. If you call you can in a gentle way let her know:
"I am sorry to tell you the news that my wife and your husband have been having an affair. I know they met on these dates at this place and there is no doubt in my mind that they had sexual relations".

Don’t let your wife know that you are contacting the wife. Don’t try to warn off the man or anything like that. If your wife were to commit to the marriage she is allowed to send one note to the OM, the so-called NC letter:
"What we did was wrong, both to my husband and your wife. I have committed to my marriage and will not have any further contact with you. I request that you respect that, and do not in any way or form contact me. Any breach of that wish will be shared with my husband, and can lead to legal action"

I hate that you are going through this. I know that you are looking for a clever play to avoid the minefield but I really don’t think there is one. Get yourself as best prepared as you can and then be honest with your wife. To that end, I advise you to see a lawyer and find out what divorce would look like, including asset division, spousal support, and child custody. Knowledge is power. You will be better off knowing what you are facing in the event your wife decides to stay in the affair. I would also advise hiring a PI. No fault divorce is available in almost all jurisdictions, so you don’t need to know the details of her affair in order to divorce her, but now is the best time to find out what she has been up to and for how long. You will never discover all the facts but if you confront after you have a good handle on the facts you are in a much better position to get more information from her and the AP. If you confront too soon, you will get denials and maybe admissions to what you already know and nothing more. You are going to have to confront her, depression and all. I note that despite her lack of energy and her migraines and need for massive amounts of sleep, she has time and energy for AP and somehow gathers her strength for the monthly meet-ups. If you want to stay married you have to risk the marriage. There is no magic wand. Get legal advice, get the facts. Then confront her and tell her that she has to choose. She can be married to you or she can leave. But she can’t have you and AP, unless of course you are ok sharing your wife. Tell the AP’s spouse and be ready to back it up with the evidence you hold. Don’t let her cast blame on you for her decision to cheat. Don’t let her depression diagnosis excuse her cheating. You can see if a therapist will advise on how to confront your depressed wife, maybe even ask her therapist. But keep in mind, even if your wife were to choose to stop the affair tonight and never see this guy again, what will your life be like with the knowledge you already have? Would you ever be sure that it hadn’t just gone underground? Brother, that’s no way to live. Do the preparatory work then lance the boil and give yourself and marriage a chance to heal.