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Have had two appointments over the last few weeks with both a psychiatrist and my IC. Both have highly recommended meditation among other things. Being completely ignorant on the practice, they both recommended the app Calm as a starting point for a beginner. Lots of things going on with my head right now but my IC says let's start with trying to get your brain to refocus when those triggers hit. Her approach is we don't have much control over WHAT we think once it starts (if someone says white elephant, we're going to think about a white elephant) but we can train it to refocus. Do any of you have feedback on meditation to help with what we're all going through? Success, failure? I can't see a scenario where it's going to help but the concept still feels abstract to me.

Meditation for me is self taught and isn’t any particular method, I guess there are a number of ways to go about it.

I use music a lot to clear my head first and then focus on deep breathing — five or six strong clearing breaths at this point (I’ve done it so often now) gets my mind ready to focus on something else or nothing at all.

Close my eyes, shut out the world and breathe slow and deep, that’s all I got.

I agree a bit with your IC, yes, once you have a thought, good or bad it is there.

But there is also some agency too, some power on our own behalf, or I at least developed it more over time on how to process the thought.

These days (9+ years of healing), I do still get hit by the occasional flashback, or an image of the A or other intrusive thoughts, I immediately ask myself, "Where is this coming from?"

I mean, the answer is usually the same, it’s my PTSD brain coming back to check on me. To make sure I’m on alert. To make sure my world is what it is supposed to be.

I’m good with my mind making sure I’m okay.

It’s a positive, not a negative anymore.

I process the thought, accept that whatever the intrusive thought is that bad stuff isn’t currently happening, it is an old event.

If I get stuck, that’s when I go to music, or some extra clearing breaths to reset.

If I get really stuck, I talk with my wife or I journal it out. Writing out my pain, getting it on paper was always helpful. Something cathartic about writing it down.

I think I ended up with over 400 pages of my thoughts on it all, and I finally erased all of those files last year. I had pushed through and processed it all, and didn’t need my ‘notes’ on it anymore.

At the end of the day, I’m a mediocre meditation guy at best, but just good enough to catch a bad thought and move it along.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 10:00 PM, Tuesday, September 16th]

I think it can be self-destructive if you enter meditation with the mindset that you need to meditate in order to heal, while maybe not knowing what it really is. It’s like understanding that you need to sleep because tomorrow is busy, but you aren’t tired and you try to force yourself to close your eyes and lie still. The stress of not getting rest keeps you awake.

What I realized after d-day was that doing some repetitive task could be mind-dumbing and allowed me to reach a stage of meditation. For me the best way was to jog. I might start jogging with my mind full of my miseries, but after half a mile or so I would simply be focused on overcoming the first pain-barrier of exercise. After that I could enter a stage where my mind would either be empty or wander about on other thoughts – not infidelity or stress related.
My knees don’t allow me to jog, but I get the same benefit from walking or riding a bike. I use my commute to work (often by bike) to zone out from the daily problems.

I had other tasks lined up. I think I cleaned my bathroom three times a week. I detailed my car at an unhealthy rate. Mopped the floors... Simple repetitive tasks.

The benefit of having done all this is that now I can simply lay down on my bed and sink into meditation. My mind knows what stage/state it want’s to go to and has experienced the benefits. The stress of needing to meditate in order to heal is gone, because I know what it is. What to expect.

Is there a park near to you? Or some trails that you can walk? Even draw a 2-3 mile track around your neighborhood. Put on some music you enjoy or a podcast. Or simply appreciate environmental sounds (I prefer to do that). It won’t feel like meditating the first couple of times, but I truly believe it can help you reach that stage.

Mindfulness, grounding work, meditation….and generally let’s throw all ideas of self care at the wall and see what sticks….worked for me. Not with the idea of I must do this, but rather….I’d been through a life altering event and I needed to treat myself with love and grace.

There was a moment in that first year that we were trying to "win" at recovery, as if it was a competitive sport.

Practically speaking, the calm app works. I like calm for sleep meditations and stories. There are also lots of resources on YouTube. I find it difficult to slow down that much. For me the mindless, repetitive tasks that also involved moving my body were better. Running, walking, cleaning, etc.

Hang in there.

It was interesting to hear her express that the trauma I've been through can be analogous to PTSD that others including soldiers go through. I mentioned in other posts that I was uncomfortable comparing this to individuals who went through the horrors of war but she was quick to remind me that trauma is specific to the individual and even independent of the individual this (infidelity) is considered extremely traumatic to most (unless you're just completely disconnected in the relationship to start with). I think most of you gave me that same response but hearing a professional say it was comforting. Her point was meditation is certainly one of the tools in the tool box for those individuals BUT as some of you have mentioned it worked for some and not for others. On a related note I'm very excited to be finally pursuing a life-long goal of mine and that's to learn a musical instrument (guitar). Lessons started last night and I think it's going to serve as a therapeutic tool as well (some have mentioned music). So far I know the theme to Jaws.... Thanks for the feedback all!