SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

jailedmind,

It is always nice and comforting to read about a couple’s success in dealing with infidelity. The definition of success can mean renewed marriage or devoice if all come away heathier and stronger human beings. Good is always a possible outcome of a bad situation.

We may differ a little bit about blame. I don’t think it is a wide fissure though. I believe it is extremely important to fairly assign blame. And not to deny there is plenty of blame to be shared when it comes to a marriage’s issues. However, I see accurately assigning blame as not the same thing as on going, relentless blaming of someone. Persistent blaming, even if accurate at its base, would most likely serve to only being destructive to any possible good outcome, especially to a healthy reconciliation. I agree with you that to see it as entirely someone else’s fault, with no personal accountability, is a hindrance to reconciliation.

Thank you jailedmind for your input and support.

Asterisk

Oldwounds,

I agree with your statement about blame. I am aware that several members replying on this thread see it as important that I review my ideas of blame. I must sit back and reflect for a while on what it is that you all are seeing in me that I might be blind to. I am here to learn not to be coddled.

Thank you Oldwounds and so many others here for being what I need you to be.

Asterisk

As I interpreted him, he was stating that to review the past is to review a lie and to review the future is also reviewing a lie.

I didn’t take that away from his writing, at least not that bluntly. Using the word "lie" implies purposeful deception, and I don’t think we do that to ourselves, but considering it… certainly our memories are always wrong or at least incomplete, and the same is true for our predictions of the future.

I remember one of the incidents from my wife’s affair occurred in a condo, and I have a very clear memory of that condo kind of fried into my brain. Years later, I saw that the condo was for sale, and there was an online video and photograph walk-through the condo. I went down the rat hole and toured through it. What I found out that my memory was all wrong. A whole bunch of things that I "clearly remembered" were just flat out wrong. That was illuminating. A weird thing is my new knowledge of the truth hasn’t affected that memory. I haven’t updated it. It is still there, and it is still wrong. Since I know it is wrong, and I am keeping it as a memory, I guess you could say I am lying to myself?

Current science and engineering depends heavily on modeling, for example, weather models and weather prediction. There is a saying in the field, "all models are wrong, but some are useful". That’s based on the fact that none of them truly capture all of the physics in action.

I feel that might be similar about our memories.

However, I believe your point is more about being receptive to the person as they are presenting themselves now. Not as they were in the past or maybe in the future. To set aside assumptions one might have based on many factors that have built-in biases that may be more true than false or more false than true. If I’m on point, then I can say with full confidence that I am in agreement and have taken your advice to heart.

100%

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 1:31 PM, Wednesday, October 22nd]

Hey Asterisk,

I must sit back and reflect for a while on what it is that you all are seeing in me that I might be blind to.

I think we all have blind spots, if I knew what mine were, I wouldn’t have blind spots.

I find the exploration to find those blind spots as one of the joys of existence, to figure out the best way forward in life within our own limitations of perspective and information.

I don’t know if your take on blame is a blind spot for you, or that my take on blame will help anyone but me.

I get the sense you have a handle on most of your trauma, but still have some healing to do.

I imagine you may not have spent the time to mourn what you thought your marriage was before infidelity or you’re still wrestling a bit with unmet expectations (which become resentments).

I only mention the above because those two things were what held back my own healing for a while.

HouseOfPlane,

I remember one of the incidents from my wife’s affair occurred in a condo, and I have a very clear memory of that condo kind of fried into my brain…… A whole bunch of things that I "clearly remembered" were just flat out wrong. That was illuminating.

I have a similar situation though not related to the infidelity issue. Decades back, my wife and I were driving down a rather lonely, backcountry highway in Southern California when a car crossed over the center line and hit us head on. I saw it coming, and stood on the brakes but the other driver never did. It was a serious accident and though my injuries were rather minor my wife’s injuries were not. The car that hit us was an old, large Pontiac and we were driving a Toyota Starlet which was the smallest car Toyota made. By the time I had extracted myself out of our car, which was not easy, the other car had back up and drove away leaving us stranded with no one around. As I was struggling to figure out how to best assist my wife, who was unable to move, another car did come upon us and then went for assistance. (This was pre cell phones days.) After what seemed like an eternity, the police drove up and the ambulance arrived a few moments later. As the paramedics were assessing my wife, the officer interviewed me. I told them what had occurred and that it was a "blue", older model Pontiac. Then he asked my wife, who was in an extreme amount of pain and not fully coherent for her account of what had occurred. Though our description of how the accident happened were nearly identical, she described the car as being "green". I was stunned and have never forgotten how it was that two people, who had no reason to lie, gave a completely different description of the car. I often remind myself about that difference, especially when I’m in disagreement with someone about the facts of a situation. My 1st go-to is to not think they are lying but saw things differently than I did. Sorry for the over-long description but I wanted to let you know that I fully understand and agree with you on the concept that memories are faulty but that they are important. (Sidenote: Peter did use the word "lie" more than once when talking about not relying on or using the memories of the past, or thoughts of the future to judge a situation and my reaction was like yours. A faulty memory may be in error, but it is not a lie because there was no intent to deceive.)

HouseOfPlane, you really make me think and reevaluate my conclusions, sometimes strengthening them, sometimes helping me to shed faulty ones. Thank you,

Asterisk

Oldwounds,

Dang, did you hit me with a 2x4 (which is often what it takes with a person like myself.) with these three thoughts you gave for my consideration:

I get the sense you have a handle on most of your trauma, but still have some healing to do.
I imagine you may not have spent the time to mourn what you thought your marriage was before infidelity or you’re still wrestling a bit with unmet expectations (which become resentments).

I’m sitting here lightly strumming the keys so delicately that no ink will stain the page. I’m weighing your insight into my situation as a counterbalance of mine. One might think I’d have a better handle on it, and me, than an outsider, but, on the other hand, one can be too close to see the massive elephant behind the weathered trunk.

What is the healing that I still need to uncover allowing for the chance at full, or at least better, recovery?
Did I fully mourn the loss of what I thought my marriage (and I’ll add my wife) was?
And have I finished wrestling with "unmet" expectations? (That really stung.) Don’t get me wrong, you didn’t sting me, the idea of unmet expectations did. And I need to give that grave consideration.

I can’t seem to get my hesitant fingers to further blemish the page until my brain rewires and catches up.

Astrisk

Asterisk -

Dang, did you hit me with a 2x4 (which is often what it takes with a person like myself.) with these three thoughts you gave for my consideration

I have attempted some 2x4’s in other threads over the years, but I sure wasn’t trying to swing one here.

I was going for some food for thought stuff — I thought previously I had wandered off the thread some, and looked back up at your thread title — the fragmentation of self.

I feel whole again, and yet, I remember feeling fragmented and beat down. I was simply connecting with the things I worked on that helped me get here.

I think your wisdom and introspection have got you pretty far along!

Again, for me, in addition to blaming the external world for my anguish, I was also drowning in resentments, and man, it took six long years to mourn the sense of innocence (the me and her against the world vibe) and trust I thought we had.

I like the rebuilt M quite a bit, but scars remain.

Unmet expectations is tough, because we do have to set the bar somewhere. I set the bar with boundaries, what I required to stay in the M, understanding that my wife is very human and never perfect to begin with.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 2:16 AM, Friday, October 24th]

Asterisk

Infidelity does not occur in a vacuum. This is why I often maintain that it is important for me to recognize my role.

...the environment she was attempting to navigate, which I was a part of, played a role as well.

What role did you play? What did you do, or not do, specifically? What did you say, or not say, that would have compelled or prevented her affair?

Do you really believe you could have prevented her affair?

It had nothing to do with you. That's the whole point of an affair and why it's kept a secret. You didn't matter. It wasn't about you or your marriage or Mars transiting through Aquarius. Affairs are all about the self. Spouses, children, jobs, friendships, are all irrelevant (or compartmentalized in Fort Knox). Vows, morals, values, integrity, all of it... all that matters is fulfilling an unhealthy need.

What role did you play?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 5:00 AM, Friday, October 24th]

HouseOfPlane and Oldwounds,

I've written a response but for some reason the site is saying that I've included a URL which I have not. There must be something in the way I responded that suggest that I am. I've submitted it for review and for corrections if needed and will post it when I hear back. I appreciate your questions and thoughtful replies.

Thanks,
Asterisk

Unhinged,

What role did you play? What did you do, or not do, specifically? What did you say, or not say, that would have compelled or prevented her affair?

Do you really believe you could have prevented her affair?

I understand and appreciate your questions. And I appreciate you pointing this out. However, though I agree that I "share no responsibility" for my wife’s "decision" to cheat I do believe that in many, if not most cases, that there is accountability on my part for what made cheating a desired option for my wife to make. (I refuse to believe she entered into her affair because she’s a selfish shit that only cares about herself.) I know better than that. I am very clear about her sole responsibility for the affair in my own head and believe I’ve been clear about this in other things I’ve written here. But again I maintain, things do not happen in a vacuum.

So to answer your questions. No, I do not believe I had, or have the ability, to prevent my wife’s affair or possible future affairs. But that truth does not negate my contribution to my wife’s struggles that led up to the affair.

I don’t see this as in any way depleting my wife’s guilt or shouldering me with responsibility for her decision. I know that my position is controversial on this site, but that controversy does not invalidate my belief on the subject.

With that all said, please know I do appreciate your thoughts, and I view them as honest and an attempt to assist me in the process of finding my way through this mess. Your words are met with appreciation, and I hope that mine are as well.

Astersisk

[This message edited by Asterisk at 4:24 PM, Friday, October 24th]

Oldwounds and HouseOfPlane,

I think I figured out why it wouldn't post. so I'm giving it another go. fingers crossed.

Oldwounds, as I see it you have asked me two things to consider: did I have "unmet expectations" that I was unaware of or maybe had not resolved. And if so, wouldn’t that lead to resentment? Your questions dovetail nicely with HouseOfPlane’s questioning about living in the present verses residing in the past.

These questions from both of you are valid and have hit with a one/two sucker punch. Or as I expressed earlier, a 2x4 to the forehead. I know that was not anyone’s desire or intent, for everyone here as shown me nothing but care and concern. But I am still left feeling mind-stunned, my limp-brain hanging on the ropes looking for a referee that would end the round.

So here I am, standing before you guys, still a little rattled, asking myself with no answers this evening following but asking myself:

Are there unmet expectations? If so, what are my unmet expectations? Once they are ferreted out, then I must ponder another question: which ones are fair to me, and which ones are unfair to my wife? More interesting, maybe even more important, what if those expectations are left unmet? What then are the natural or unnatural consequences? Do I have the right to force my wife to meet those unmet expectations? Is coercing my wife to fulfill my unmet expectations healthy for her, for me, or for our marriage? If she does meet them, not out of her desire to do so, but rather due to some type of threat, say divorce or sexual withdrawal, is it (and she) authentic? (I’m not saying that divorce or sextual withdrawal are not proper actions to take. Just questioning if those are the only reasons for my wife to meet my expectation are the changes real or unreal, lasting or momentary.) Can I let go of my unmet expectations if my wife is unable or unwilling to meet them? Now what I believe to be the most important question of all is, what do I do when my wife does meet my needed expectations? And, as HouseOfPlane’s questioned me, am I living in the past and shouldn’t I consider being present, seeing my wife as she is today, not yesterday. Would I be served better by letting go of the past? Leaving me questioning, what is it that I am tenaciously clinging to and is it out of some kind of false safety or worse, a petty grudge?

As uncomfortable as Surviving Infidelity often is for me, I love this place for in the discomfort, oddly, I find much needed comfort. It is late and time to get some sleep.

It is the next day from what is written above. A long, self-examining, sleepless night.

I’ve been exploring these questions and am still at a loss as to what some unmet expectations from my wife might be. That said, I can conjure up one. A crucial one that I’ve been aware of from day one of dealing with the affair.

My wife cannot or will not (I do not know which one it is.) fully listen to how I felt, how my world was utterly destroyed by her actions. No matter how I approach it, no matter how kind and understanding of her feelings I try to be, she simply starts to cry and crawls deep inside herself and stays there, accusing me as she disappears, of "keeping her in prison". (When, between sobs, she blurted that out it was a razor blade to my soul.) Those words quieted me, brought me to my knees. Anyway, I have learned there is nothing I can do to prevent her retreat or to bring her out of this secret place where she takes haven.

What I have learned about my wife is that she can stay in this self-imposed prison for decades and I am 72 years old, so I don’t have decades of life left to wait for her return. My wife’s ability to disappear for protection was developed long before I came into her life. She was living in this hiding place when we met, I just misinterpreted it. On the surface she appears to all people, this includes me, as quiet, sweet, a giving woman who would never hurt a fly (and I’ve lived with her for 52 years and she is all those things) but this safe place in which she can hibernate is unintentionally cruel to me.

But honestly, what also struck me hard was that something else was ping ponging around in my brain, something that throughout this thread I have been resisting considering. Something that HouseOfPlane has been attempting to redirect my thoughts, and I was working overtime to avoid doing so because I don’t want to be that person.

Yes, HouseOfPlane I’m clinging to the past, as if it is my safe place. It was easy to side-step your questions because my wife and I have successfully rebuilt ourselves and our relationship, and I love what has transpired far above what I loved prior to D-day. I’m proud of my wife and who she has become. And I am proud of my changes. I am proud of both of us for not allowing the affair to destroy the potential and possibilities in both of us and in our marriage. I’m proud of our elasticity which was needed to allow changes to occur. The intimacy and joy that this new marriage that now exists makes it easy to give me reason to believe I am not "living in the past" for mostly I am not.

However, the truth is there is a part of me, a very deep internal part of me, that I don’t fully understand, that choses to doggishly remain stuck. That one thing that I can point to is that I’ve been waiting for 32 years, post D-day, for the other shoe to drop. An unseen blind spot that, like with the one pre-D-day, I won’t see coming. What that shoe is, I cannot identify and that scares the crap out of me. And my fear-built wall is enormously unfair to my wife and to me. And what hurts so deeply is that in my own way, I am being "unintentionally cruel" to my wife. And that is the 2x4 to the forehead.

Asterisk

Brother, you've spent the last few months writing about the devastation to every part of your life, the utter destruction of your world, the fragmentation of self, and so on and so forth. I get it. Pretty common thoughts and feelings for a betrayed spouse.

Here's the thing, though. It's only temporary. As we heal, letting go of that baggage is imperative. Otherwise, it becomes an anchor.

I feel for your wife. Listening to you describe all of this for a few years after d-day is one thing. Decades of it would wear down anyone. And yet you keep expecting her to listen to it, year after year, decade after decade, knowing she'll crawl into her shell.

At some point, for your own peace of mind, body and soul, you've got to let it go.

Asterisk --

Maybe one more uphill conversation with your wife is needed.

Your latest post did offer some light on the issues, as I hadn't previously seen anything about your wife's work since dday. The healing of the M seems incomplete, but may be as close as it gets.

On the surface she appears to all people, this includes me, as quiet, sweet, a giving woman who would never hurt a fly (and I’ve lived with her for 52 years and she is all those things) but this safe place in which she can hibernate is unintentionally cruel to me.

Maybe no conversation is needed, maybe if she read your difficult and yet thoughtful post.

And my fear-built wall is enormously unfair to my wife and to me. And what hurts so deeply is that in my own way, I am being "unintentionally cruel" to my wife. And that is the 2x4 to the forehead.

Have her read it and see if there is a way to build a bridge between the unintentional cruelties.

However, if you truly don't see it as helpful for one last attempt to build that bridge, there is another way through.

And you've talked about letting go, while battling what you describe as your 'fear-built wall.'

That wall is built out of stone cold logic -- your brain is on alert and very slowly recovering from an immense trauma caused by the person you break bread with and share a home with.

You don't have to let go of all it, but I would let go of the outcome.

Maybe it is my military years that helped me to ALWAYS assume the worst; adapt and overcome if the worst shows up or ride life out if it doesn't.

In other words, I've dropped the other shoe already. I have examined the concept of flying solo quite a bit and is absolutely an option for me, despite how well my life is this morning with my M. It helps me a great deal to know I will be okay either way.

My M is far more solid than before, but life can turn in an instant. I focus on the idea that I have survived it all already, and I will be good, regardless of the outcome. Assuming the worst case scenario arrives, and/or, I simply want to leave, I'll always be able to look myself in the eye and know I did all I could, and held up my end of the deal.

As others have mentioned, you could also allow the past to be the past and see how good you can make today.

That takes some practice too.

I wake up grateful everyday.

My wife can't believe she was given the gift of grace, so she seems to be pretty darned happy to have an opportunity to show me her best self.

That combo works out well, but again, so much in life (including life itself) is so temporary.

I may as well aim for the good stuff as often as possible.

Unhinged,

Even though you chose divorce where I chose reconciliation, I still always pay particular attention to what you write. In this comment of yours you have risen to defend and support my wife. Something quite rare here and I want to thank you for doing so.

That said, I will be honest with you, your comment here feels unsupportive of me, so it forces my attention to the details, not my feelings, of what you are conveying. As I reread, several times, trying to keep my defenses at bay, it becomes clearer to me that what "feels" unsupportive the "facts" of what you are stating are actually the support I needed to hear.

I think you do have one thing wrong about me and my situation. It is true that early on after D-day I was consumed and mystified by what my wife did, and she’d retreat into herself when I’d try to go after details and reasons. However, I do not bombard my wife anymore, and haven’t for decades, with what I’m silently, internally wrestling with. In fact, that is why I searched for this site. To give me a place to relieve some of the pain, confusion and pressure that I have suffered with for nearly a lifetime. From day one, after D-day, I had no one to talk to for in doing so I’d be throwing under the bus an amazing woman, mother, and wife. There was no part of me that wanted to do that, so when I say how my wife was being reinjured by my needs to know, I went quiet. That quietness did help relieve the pressure on my wife by switching the load onto me.

Okay, defending myself now over back to your points.

Here's the thing, though. It's only temporary. As we heal, letting go of that baggage is imperative. Otherwise, it becomes an anchor.

At some point, for your own peace of mind, body and soul, you've got to let it go.

Your points, as usual, are well stated. The baggage has become an anchor versus a shield meant to protect me from the unseen shoe that may or may not drop. And you are also correct that I need to cut the rope that connects to this anchor for the fixed anchor will always be there but I do not have to remain tethered to it. As you put it I "got to let it go." And, as I’ve thought it through, being here is one of the reminding tethers I need to sever.

Thank you Unhinged,

Asterisk

Oldwounds,

Maybe no conversation is needed, maybe if she read your difficult and yet thoughtful post.

Before I sought out this site I had a well-received conversation with my wife about it. I didn’t want my being on the internet to seem secretive or possibly being interpretive that I was pushing her out of something. I explained to her that though she has always been my go-to person to share my joys and pains, that I needed someone, other than her, to communicate my feelings, especially the unfair feelings, for to do it with her only caused her more pain. And that, I had no desire to do.

As to your suggestion, I let her read what I wrote. Before I started to write my 1st post here she and I agreed that she would not read anything anyone else here wrote. But anything I would write she’d be welcomed and encouraged to read. As of yet, she has never asked me to read anything I have written. For me, that is a loud message that I must honor.

However, if you truly don't see it as helpful for one last attempt to build that bridge, there is another way through.
And you've talked about letting go, while battling what you describe as your 'fear-built wall.'
That wall is built out of stone cold logic -- your brain is on alert and very slowly recovering from an immense trauma caused by the person you break bread with and share a home with.
You don't have to let go of all it, but I would let go of the outcome.

"You don’t have to let go of all it, but I would let go of the outcome." I believe this is a Buddhist way of approaching an issue such as this. Though I seen it written a little differently: "Don’t be "attached" to the outcome."
I deeply appreciate your ongoing support and great advice and will evaluate how one accomplishes "letting go of the outcome". The fact that I don’t fully grasp what the means or how to bring it to fruition does not mean I do not see the wisdom of it. Unhinged pretty much was saying the same thing when he advised me to "let it go." The fact that both of you, and others, in your own ways and words are saying the same thing to me gives me deep pause and reason to self-reflect on "Why am I here?" What does it accomplish?" "Is it time to cut yesterday’s anchor and seize the day?"

I took a chance and entrusted so many of you here with my heart and I was not disappointed.

Thank you Oldwounds,

Asterisk

Asterisk —

I deeply appreciate your ongoing support and great advice and will evaluate how one accomplishes "letting go of the outcome". The fact that I don’t fully grasp what the means or how to bring it to fruition does not mean I do not see the wisdom of it.

I still post here in an attempt to pay it forward, all the kindness and support I have received at SI.

However, increasingly, I feel like I am too far down the healing road to be very helpful, and too many of my offerings are more like cheering people on to be as healed as me versus practical steps people need to get here. But I will try to explains some of how I "let go" in hopes it can apply to your path forward.

Letting go of the outcome — on paper it is a sentence that sounds great. How to get there is a very individual journey, but here is how I understand it to work.

As we all know, our mind is our best pal and our worst enemy. After trauma, our supercomputer brains literally spin their wheels trying to change the trauma into a different outcome. We ruminate with an endless loop of "what if" (what if I had done this or been more, etc.) or in the logically, "if/then" (if I had been better, then no infidelity, etc.) statements to find a way where the pain doesn’t happen, or at the least, the pain doesn’t happen again.

We all sort of become insurance company actuaries — looking at the probabilities in a search for happy, or safe, or just a bit better than today.

The letting go for me is all about what I choose to focus on.

The old, bad stuff happened, now what?

What do I do with this adversity in front of me?

In your case, your wife may be as far as she can be to help you and the M heal — what steps are next?

Pretty clear you still think the world of her. That’s a great start.

Trauma brain can change the proverbial channel when you are ready and focused to CHANGE it.

Toothpaste can’t go back in the tube, I can’t change what happened, so my focus is on all the best my M has for me today. Oh, I still see and feel the scars, but I am grateful for my imperfect wife and my imperfect life.

The world around us is fairly upside down, or maybe I’m just becoming grumpy as I age (six plus decades thus far), but I find when I focus on the trees changing colors or watching a stream go by on a walk, instead of doom scrolling on social media, my day goes much better. I can’t change the world, but I can be the calm part of it.

Same with my own life, I can understand I am doing the best I can with the information I got, same as always, I just have more information than before. I can’t change the horror show of infidelity, but I can find good moments in my M today.

I choose my M, I choose to be as happy as is possible, I choose to focus on today more than stuff that happened yesterday. Agency and empowering self is a beautiful thing.

It took me a LONG time, and a LOT of practice to truly be able to focus on today. That is how the past stops ruining my breakfast, because I simply don’t let it.

I now know, however many days I have left can be as good as I aim for — and that to me is not caring about the outcome anymore.

First, I apologize for offending. I thought you were still trying to discuss this with her.

I do my best to be supportive of every member. I received tremendous support from this community when I first joined. The empathy and compassion were overwhelming. I still feel it.

It was being challenged by members that helped me to repair or replace my hinges, to learn and to grow. Sometimes people were spot on, delivering 2x4s so well swung that it would take me days to realize what had happened. Sometimes, people just pissed me off. It's a mixed bag, you know?

So, yeah. I'm happy to be supportive, offer compassion and empathy. When I see people getting in their own way, which I often did, I'm apt to challenge them, as so many members did with me. I'm not perfect, not any kind of expert, and sometimes I'm way off the mark.

My divorce, btw, was partly due to my exww's infidelity. We had a lot of other issues in our marriage. It was already hanging on by a thread before she decided to cheat. I stayed for our 4yo son. Honestly, I'm responsible for more of those marital issues than she was. My exww was a better spouse than I was, until she wasn't.

I was a very active member once upon a time. For several years. I was a guide for the last year and a half, or so. When I got divorced, I "quit" SI. It was time to move on. I'd log on every once in a blue moon. But, I didn't have it in me to engage anymore.

You, sir, changed that. You drew me back in. I hope that's a good thing.

It's slowly starting to dawn on me that you and your wife have never truly reconciled. This whole time I've been thinking that you have a couple of knots left to untangle, which is common enough, I suppose. I kept thinking, something would suddenly click and you'd be happily on your merry way. Cool, right?

I'm sure you'll be able to resolve some of this here. You've got some great, wise ole vets in HoP, Oldwounds and sisoon all trying to help you untangle it all.

But!!!

There's just one person on this Earth who can finally put the missing pieces into the puzzle.

And she's off limits because you don't want to "throw her under the bus" that she'd already stepped in front of... all on her own.

Maybe letting go of that baggage isn't the way forward. It seems like you don't even know what's in them.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 7:58 PM, Saturday, October 25th]

However, the truth is there is a part of me, a very deep internal part of me, that I don’t fully understand, that choses to doggishly remain stuck.

something to noodle on…

You made repeated comments about being proud of your wife and proud of your own actions in the two of you pulling back together a great marriage. One thing this tells me (and tells myself when I do it) is that you are definitely giving importance to the narrative. The story that you tell about your life. The story of your past that defines you. It gives you a strong sense of self.

The affair part of the story is right in there with it. After all, in order to take pride in overcoming something, you gotta have that something in the story too. That something is the affair. The affair is an integral part of your narrative, and therefore an integral part of your identity.

If you drop the affair, which has become a key part of your identity and the story you tell, who then are you?

How hard will your ego work to maintain a strong identity even if it involves pain?

You will see that in some posters here in the forum. They’ve tied themselves to their victim status, and after a while you get the understanding that while they are not happy with it, they are absolutely committed to it.

This is an interesting passage from Eckert Tolle

What a miserable day.

He didn’t have the decency to return my call.

She let me down.

Little stories we tell ourselves and others, often in the form of complaints. They are unconsciously designed to enhance our always deficient sense of self through being "right" and making something or someone "wrong." Being "right" places us in a position of imagined superiority and so strengthens our false sense of self, the ego. This also creates some kind of enemy: yes, the ego needs enemies to define its boundary, and even the weather can serve that function.

Through habitual mental judgment and emotional contraction, you have a personalized, reactive relationship to people and events in your life. These are all forms of self-created suffering, but they are not recognized as such because to the ego they are satisfying. The ego enhances itself through reactivity and conflict.

How simple life would be without those stories.

It is raining.

He did not call.

I was there. She was not.

That one thing that I can point to is that I’ve been waiting for 32 years, post D-day, for the other shoe to drop. An unseen blind spot that, like with the one pre-D-day, I won’t see coming. What that shoe is, I cannot identify and that scares the crap out of me.

I've always felt alone in this sort of approach to life. Now I don't know if I'm glad I'm not oalone or something else. I worry a lot about both shoes dropping from some unexpected place....

My W's A doesn't hit me like this. I'm confident she's built defenses are good enough. I feel exactly this way about other things in my life, though.

And my fear-built wall is enormously unfair to my wife and to me. And what hurts so deeply is that in my own way, I am being "unintentionally cruel" to my wife. And that is the 2x4 to the forehead.

I'd focus on the unfairness to you. You can't control what your W thinks.

I spend a lot of time considering unintended consequences. Sometimes I've shared my thinking with others and been accused of catastrophizing(?). But I've been right in a lot of areas, so I find it hard to stop worrying about negative outcomes. Maybe I've just been a clock that stopped but is right twice a day, but what if I can really sniff out and thereby prevent disasters? Besides, man, there are worse things than being betrayed, but superstition prevents me from documenting what I fear. (Consider my age.) OTOH, adversity can be overcome, usually.

So maybe it's time to see what happens to you internally and externally if you start thinking about the good things that can happen if you accept the last decade o2 2 (dare I say 2.5 or 3?) as 'what you see is what really is there'. Maybe you can just remind yurself that your brain may think it's protecting you from another trauma, but also tell yourself your real protection is knowing that you know how to heal. TBH, that works for me with regard to my W's potential future betrayal, but always for other things. Still, I welcome any relief that doesn't involve proving me right.

I mean: most people who shistle on sea-going ships don't hit icebergs.... Right? (But what if that's the wrong metaphor????)