SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It doesn't surprise me that I asked the same question. Within weeks of DDay I was wondering how much longer I'd feel like I'd rather be dead. I remember looking at the Reconciliation forum exclusively, because it was hopeful. I tried to do all of the right things (IC, MC, journaling, etc.), desperate to feel normal again. Eventually I got to mostly normal, but never to a point that I would consider "healed." I thought it must be like the death of a loved one where, eventually, you can just remember them and can be happy without the stabbing pain of remembering their death. Nope.

IMO, the best way to slow down healing is to try to speed it up. (Nothat the 'soon' in my ID came about because I wanted to get through the pain as soon as I could.)

Also IMO, the most important part of healing is to feel the pain - which come from anger, grief, fear, shame - and let it go. But that means really letting the pain in, not holding it at arm's length. And feeling pain also means hearing and changing that self-talk. Have you done that work?

Some examples:

IMO, a BS needs to feel the anger and the powerlessness. The BS needs to figure out what that says about themself. And if the self-talk says the powerlessness is their own fault, that self-talk needs to change.

Most - well, probably all - BSes need to feel their sense of humiliation in order to change self-talk into something like, 'I don't care much what other people may think. My WS humiliated themself. That's all about them, not about me.'

The BS needs to get a sense of control over themself. They need to build a sense of being OK whether they D or R. They need to feel capable of healing. I remember that one of my 1st thoughts was something like, 'I'm not going to let this betrayal ruin the rest of my life!'

IOW, healing requires taking oneself apart and putting oneself back together. Sometimes that's easier said than done, but sometimes it's easier done than said.

While you're looking for a therapist, check out 'EFT tapping' (no quotes - EFT stands for emotional freedom technique). That alone may get you the peace you seek.

InkHulk wrote:
I don’t know how you can say that, it certainly doesn’t follow from the rest of what you wrote. Clearly no one outside Dr Strange can know the outcomes of alternate paths, but your opening post makes it clear you have been miserable for 15 years.

You're right. It's possible I could have made a full recovery if I'd gone my own way, but's it's also possible I would still be stumbling through the same triggering events. I've done a poor job conveying what my life is like right now. 13 years ago I was miserable. I was in pain more often than not. In recent years the pain from the affair mostly occurs around the anniversary with some sporadic triggers that I can mostly tamp down shortly after. When I'm triggering, my outlook is somewhat bleak. When I'm writing about the affair, triggering or not, I'm reliving it. I was justifiably angry at the time, and it's difficult not to feel some of that anger, now, when I write about it. That helps skew the picture I'm presenting in a negative way. I'm not happy about failing to make a full recovery, but there is far more positive than negative in my life.

Part of the problem is that I don't know any of my friends or family who have experienced infidelity, even though I know its statistically likely that close to half have. This has been the only place I've been able to vent a little and feel like people can really understand. For me, there's something cathartic about openly discussing the affair. Also, it sometimes feels like I don't even understand what I'm feeling until I write it down. This trhead is only a couple of days old, and it's crazy how radically different my state of mind has been with each post. I'm reassured by the responses I've gotten, and that has helped prod me into action rather than simply waiting to feel better. Right now I'm feeling hopeful, which is quite an improvement over two days.

it sounds like triggering events can be remapped

*more head nods *

And triggering events can be remapped, where are remapped from?

Asdf, if you're a platinum member, you're able to access archived posts. A post from 10 years ago wouldn't show up in your feed of recent posts.

If there's one common denominator among BSs like yourself who are still actively struggling this far out from Dday, it's that they never got the full story from the WS.

Everything you know about her affair is what you dug up yourself. She never offered you a scrap of information proactively or confessed to anything on her own. She probably remembers that one time you forgot to pick up milk on your way home from work 15 years ago, but has amnesia about anything that's related to her affair.

For this reason, you're always going to feel like the Sword of Damocles is hanging over your head.

sisoon wrote:
IMO, the best way to slow down healing is to try to speed it up. (Nothat the 'soon' in my ID came about because I wanted to get through the pain as soon as I could.)

Also IMO, the most important part of healing is to feel the pain - which come from anger, grief, fear, shame - and let it go. But that means really letting the pain in, not holding it at arm's length. And feeling pain also means hearing and changing that self-talk. Have you done that work?

I did do a lot of that work. I did feel humilliated at first, but I came to realize that my wife was the one who humilliated herself with the affair, not me. It is difficult not to cringe when I recall what a mess I was afterward, though. I don't know about the feeling of powerlessness. Our marriage had problems like all marriages do. I recognize my part in the problems we had. I beleive I was powerless where the affair was concerned, though. I had the power to control my actions, only. I exercised that power by walking away from situations where I was tempted to stray. My wife had the power (and responsiblity) to control her own actions, and she failed. That's on her. She had the power to be honest and compassionate in the wake of the affair, and she failed again. Massively.

I don't like what I was reduced to following the affair, but I had experienced extraordinary stresses just prior to the affair, and I was desperately trying to mitigate the onset of a major depressive episode. Schmuck that I was, I can only look back with compassion. I was supportive of my wife when she had her own ordeal, and I have no qualms about passing judgment on her failure to reciprocate, much less simply refrain from committing adultery. She is crystal clear about what I thought of her failures, as I rubbed her face in them for more than a year (and I am not proud of that).

As mentioned, above, I participated in EMDR, and that felt like I was being taken apart. I think it was an effective treatment, but I can't say that I was put back together afterwards. I'm hoping a competent professional can help me do that. Lord knows I haven't done a good job of it by myself.

HouseOfPlane wrote:
*more head nods *

And triggering events can be remapped, where are remapped from?

Mars? Venus? I don't know. There are a lot of topics that I try to stay current on. Psychology and neuroscience are not among them. I'm not going to pretend like I know anything after doing some cursory reading on the topic. I can only parrot back the little bit that I think I understand. Maybe. I hope I can find a professional who is not a charlatan who can guide me.

I guess I’m asking you where do the triggering events currently take you?

What are those triggering events like?

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 7:05 PM, Thursday, October 16th]

BluerThanBlue wrote
If there's one common denominator among BSs like yourself who are still actively struggling this far out from Dday, it's that they never got the full story from the WS.

Everything you know about her affair is what you dug up yourself. She never offered you a scrap of information proactively or confessed to anything on her own. She probably remembers that one time you forgot to pick up milk on your way home from work 15 years ago, but has amnesia about anything that's related to her affair.

For this reason, you're always going to feel like the Sword of Damocles is hanging over your head.

[Sigh]

I can't get away from that. And I harbor resentment for it. I'm sure that will come up in IC. For now, I want to focus on finding a good therapist for myself. I know more MC is in our future. I want to do what I can for myself before I open that door again, though. My resentment towards our former MC is almost greater than my resentment towards my wife. [What kind of marriage counselor lets herself form an attachment to a wayward spouse client to the detriment of the betrayed spouse client? Granted, the betrayed spouse in this case was, bizarrely, not in the best frame of mind -- maybe even a little beligerant while the wayward spouse was charming as always.]

I think it's very wise that you're seeking out an IC. You need a therapist that's completely focused on your needs, not what's "good for the marriage." This is especially important since, in your previous MC experience, you had a counselor that was dismissive of you and enabled your wife.

I don't think that anything constructive will come of MC. The sense of urgency after Dday is gone and, after having a counselor that essentially validated all of her feelings, she's not likely to be receptive to one that challenges her in any way or is more focused on your recovery. At this point, you're not going to get anything more out of your wife than you already have.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:34 PM, Thursday, October 16th]

At this point, you're not going to get anything more out of your wife than you already have.

Totally agree. Since you seem to be committed to this M no matter what, I’d recommend focusing your IC on how to best tolerate your situation. So very sad. Have you explored possible codependency yet in IC?

HouseOfPlane wrote:
I guess I’m asking you where do the triggering events currently take you?

What are those triggering events like?

Oh!

Uggh!

Hmmmmmm. Here's where my extraordinary ability to simultaneously hold multiple contradictory beliefs becomes more apparent.

First, some background: A work-related move brought us to the same area where most of their many sexual encounters took place. Of course, for over a year after D-day there was only one location, because, honestly, they only had sex one, single time. Never again. And that was at a hotel ... but she couldn't remember which one. Fast forward more than a year, and the other BS and I had compared detailed notes and phone records that showed the time and location of their phones when they made or received calls (as well as the duration). It was fairly easy to then map out their general location with one, two, three hour long gaps while the phones were in the same location. Both wayward spouses finally confessed to multiple transgressions (that did not agree), and both pointed the finger at the other wayward regarding which one was trying to get the other to leave their spouse and marry them. They behaved like immature teenagers. Their single meet-up for sex wound up looking more like extensive training for Olympic sex if that were an event.

By this point it was clear that I wasn't going to get any more answers. She HONESTLY couldn't remember any of the details from such a long time ago! I did get a few sordid details (they had sex at the AP's house in his bed; she performed felatio on him in the car at a park). You know: Really classy stuff that occurs when two soul mates find one another to enact their epic love story. Really! It should be memorialized in a ballad or something.

Anyway, I stopped thinking about their trysts at some point over the years, more concerned about her lies and indifference to my feelings after D-day. After we moved, though, things changed. It began during the fall of our first year, here. For me, fall weather taps directly into my memories like scents often do. I remember D-day, trying to hold it together while I gathered more evidence in order to confront my wife. I remember that sickening constriction in my chest that made me wonder whether I could fill my lungs completely. To collect myself, I stepped outside in the cool, crisp air, hearing leaves rustle in the wind and watching them fall. I can picture the sky perfectly, with the peculiar lighting that's unique to autumn. It was stunningly beautiful. There were sugar maples with brilliant red leaves, golden-colored aspen, and many shades of bright orange as well as a single tree that still had green leaves that were refusing to change. I remember the urge to bury my mouth in my sleeve so I wouldn't scream and that intense, overwhelming feeling -- a mix of disbelief, horror, shock, rage, and sorrow. I remember staring out at the trees trying to control my shaking, then hearing my wife calling for me from inside ... just as if everything was totally normal. Then I stepped inside to all of the typical noises of a busy household with young children. I answered her in a voice that I could not recognize. Our dog came over and nuzzled me, as if she could sense things were really wrong.

Fast forward to 2022. One day during that first autumn after moving, we had just finished playing tennis at a nearby park, and we were walking to the car. The foliage was beautiful, the air was crisp, the shadows were long, and I was feeling a touch of what I felt on D-day. Then I saw a car parked in a quiet spot at the far end of the parking lot with no other cars in sight. There was a couple in the car, and when they saw us, they reacted in a way that I just knew was guilty. It hit me like a ton of bricks: We were at a park at almost the exact midpoint between the AP's house and the location where my wife was staying -- a park near where two major traffic arteries intersect, right on the path Google maps would recommend if you were navigating from his place to hers. Then, all I could see was may wife and her lover parked in the same spot with my wife performing oral sex on him. That triggered me like nothing had in years. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't speak. I wanted to scream, but the flood of senses overwhelming me felt like a deafening noise drowning out everything. My hands wouldn't stop shaking, and I shoved them into my jacket pockets so my wife wouldn't see. Thinking back, I honestly wonder if I let out a little, audible whimper. It was pathetic. Tears came to my eyes, and I pretended like the wind was irritating them. Friends were with us (one of them laughed about the couple in the car being where they shouldn't be), and I did everything I could to wrestle-back control and carry-on as if everything were perfectly fine.

I never said anything to my wife about that, even though I desperately wanted to. It almost felt like I had a psychotic break, and someone was controlling me, forcing me to feign normalcy. And ..., oh WOW!I swear to God this JUST occurred to me: I experienced the exact same thing when I was a little boy (I must have been 11 or 12 years old, tops). It was right after a traumatic event in a remote area while I was walking home from school. I was rocked like nothing I'd experienced before D-day. It was also a cool, fall day. Afterwards I sprinted the last half mile to my home. My dad was there, which was very unusual for a school day. My brain just shut down I was so overwhelmed. I was shaking uncontrollably, and my dad asked if I was alright. All I could do was try to control my shaking and desperately try not to cry. I WANTED to tell him what had happened (I SHOULD have told him what happened), but I couldn't. I clammed-up and kept that secret for nearly 30 years, and I've never understood why.

Anyway, sorry for the extensive detour. I got carried away typing it out, because it felt like I was there, again.

Triggers: They vary in intensity, but always come with that tightness in the chest that makes it feel like breathing is difficult. The bad ones have only happened in the fall, and all of them seem to be triggered by geography -- someplace where I find myself wondering if they met up for sex. The minor ones pass quickly and leave me feeling a little sad. The bad ones (very rare) strike to the core. The day following a bad one usually finds me with lingering sadness as well as anger (more intense than the sadness). Sometimes I feel compelled to go back and look at my notes to see if the location in question lines up with our notes. I try to avoid doing that, because it usually just causes me to ruminate.

I think I triggered more intensely writing this post than I have since the day at the park, three years ago. Time for a run!

asdf, I shot you a DM. Hopefully you'll see it, shipmate.

This trhead is only a couple of days old, and it's crazy how radically different my state of mind has been with each post.

I understand that, but I’m three years plus one divorce past my D-Day and I don’t experience that emotional instability anymore. You’ve normalized it, learned to live with it. It’s not normal and you can have a better life. People (including you) are more important than the relationships they are in (including your marriage). Your wife choosing to betray you transformed her from comforter to antagonizer to your spirit. Her refusal to be transparent cemented it. What she has done and is continuing to do to you is horrible and you as a member of the human race deserve better.

That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Asdf,

You should check out the post in the R forum by low tide if you want to know what life is going to be like 10 years from now.

If there's one bit of advice that applies to both of you it's this: you hold the key to your own prison. You can unlock your cell and set yourself free any time you want.

See my tagline?
I think it might apply to you. You are unhappy because you have decided to be unhappy.
That’s not an accusation – that’s your ticket out! You can decide NOT to be unhappy and work towards that goal. You have some paths to get there...

I guess you could decide to focus on YOU and how you experience her infidelity. Sort-of deemphasize marriage, maybe view it as an economical unity that ensures you stay in your home, have a pension, kids visit and all that. To all outwards looks like a healthy marriage and you both content-enough. There could be some clear or implied expectations. Like an expectation of sexual fidelity or even an expectation of occasional sexual favors. You could do this and learn to live with knowing she cheated without ever knowing why, what happened and why she truly is still around. It won’t really matter because her role is more a business partner than life-partner.

You could do the math and figure out that divorce would still leave you with a comfortable standard of living. You just tell her that this marriage isn’t what you expected out of it, and move on. Plenty of people do that, and plenty of people find happiness on their own or in a later relationship.

Or... You could try to change the marriage. Maybe for the first time demand that you both work at improving the relationship and follow up with that demand that she commits to that work. Including the truth and total honesty. Be ready with two options that you are content with: Reconciling the marriage or ending it.

To use a comparison: If your marriage was a car then the lights might be out, the right-side rear door missing, the seats threadbare, the radio not work, the interior smell of cat-piss... and the engine might be stuck. I guess you could create a list of 20plus tasks that need to be fixed before it becomes a show-car. But... wouldn’t make sense to start fixing the radio if it’s not clear the engine can’t be turned and fixed. Won’t help spending days getting rid of the cat-piss stink if it still rains through the missing door.
Same with your marriage – there might be a dozen issues, but the BIG ONE IMHO is probably the effects and consequences of her infidelity. If you had any hopes of reconciling your marriage... then she needs to finally be willing to open up on what happened, and her why.
The two of you could get professional help – like a MC that specializes in infidelity trauma. Not someone that tries to explain why you made her cheat, but maybe someone that can help her dare be honest, knowing that it will eventually enable you both to be closer.

I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that you can decide if your are going to post a thread in 2040 again warning about your misery...