SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

… That I’ve felt bad enough about what I did, for long enough?

I’ve been reading here and on other infidelity support forums for several months now, and while there is lots of helpful information, the occasions where a BS makes a negative comment or assumption about all WS in general seem to really make me bristle. I find myself having imaginary arguments with the posters in my head for much of the day. I was trying to figure out why that was happening, as it’s very disruptive. I think it might be because I have a deep need to feel like I’m a good person worthy of love and marriage, and there’s some insidious voice inside of me that keeps saying that isn’t true. It latches onto those negative comments online, amplifies them, and plays them on repeat, and I’m scrambling to defend myself and the last, struggling bit of self-worth I have from it.

I don’t want to forget my infidelity, because I think it’s important to keep myself vigilant for any warning signs that I’m at risk of doing it again… But I don’t think this amount of guilt and shame and thinking about it that I’m doing now is of much benefit, if any, to me or my husband. It feels like not my place to decide when I’ve felt badly enough, for long enough, but maybe I can? I have a plan in place to keep my marriage safe while I work on myself. I’ve introspected a ton and identified key issues to resolve. Maybe I can just focus on that instead of my infidelity, and save thinking about it for when BH is triggered or seeking comfort/answers?

Am I treading the line between self-forgiveness and… I don’t know, letting myself off the hook? (Does that make sense to anyone, or just to me?)

IMO, R requires the WS to change from betrayer to good partner. Feeling bad hinders making that change. It takes energy away from doing the work a WS needs to do. Check into Karpman's Drama Triangle.

I agree with Sisoon. And it’s also true that the anguish that betrayer partners express is completely, truly, and utterly real. If anything, just assume that what they say is conservative to the pain they feel because they can’t find the words. Don’t entertain arguing with them.

ETA: after your comment about how you deceived others on Discord into their trust and turned on them, maybe just forget I posted on your thread.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 5:57 AM, Saturday, October 18th]

While I agree with the general sentiment here, I want to emphasize a few points.

​It's impossible to offer specific advice without knowing the context—your story, what you did, and why. However, your current feeling of self-hatred is the most immediate consequence of your actions.
​For change to happen, a person needs to face accountability. When a partner chooses to stay after infidelity, the traditional external consequence (a breakup) is avoided. This makes the self-hatred you feel incredibly important; it's the internal mechanism that holds you accountable and fuels your drive to change into a trustworthy partner.

​I don't believe that "anyone could cheat." Infidelity usually signals a deeper issue that needs to be addressed. Your goal now is to channel the intensity of your self-hatred into constructive action—therapy, sincere communication, and consistent behavior—to prove to yourself, as much as to your husband, that you are capable of fundamental change.

the occasions where a BS makes a negative comment or assumption about all WS in general seem to really make me bristle. I find myself having imaginary arguments with the posters in my head for much of the day. I was trying to figure out why that was happening, as it’s very disruptive.

Perhaps I am wrong, but this opinion seems to stem from a failure to fully grasp the severity and uniquely damaging nature of infidelity. To many, it represents the most devastating legal offense one can commit—an act of betrayal that wounds a loved one to the deepest possible extent, functioning as a form of prolonged psychological abuse.

​I do not fully understand your logical premise regarding the treatment of cheaters. What is the appropriate response a betrayed spouse or society, for that matter, should have toward those who commit betrayal? Do you not believe that negative commentary or moral condemnation is justified when addressing such a profound violation of trust?

​The final point is that this stance of non-judgment could easily be extended to any person who has committed an immoral act. Should we, as a society, refrain from being critical of con artists or thieves? And would it truly be reckless to make certain assumptions about the character of individuals who willfully cause such harm?

I think it might be because I have a deep need to feel like I’m a good person worthy of love and marriage

Don't we all. My recommendation would be to begin working on acting in a way that's worthy of these things. I don't feel cheating is an example of such worth

I hope you find happiness