SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WW brought up her rings.

I asked, "The rings that were up against his dick when you had it in your hand? The setting you kept turned the right way so as not to discomfort him?"

She hasn’t mentioned them again. I haven’t seen them in years.

A few years ago, I talked to her about new rings. I know she’d like to have something nice. But it was a mistake. I couldn’t go through with it. It would have sent the wrong message.

Antone

I notice mentions of being away partying, being out of contact, coke-use and drinking.
I think addiction/alcoholism might be an issue. I might be off – but it’s something you should consider.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking alcoholics drink every day, all day, or that addicts are shooting up heroin at public toilets. One definition of an addiction is simply when you use (your drug/substance/booze) despite knowing it will have adverse effects on your environment.
Like... My wife’s best friend would only drink 3-4 times a year, but the odds were even that when she drank, she would continue drinking to a stupor, and wake up in some strange man’s bed... somebody that was not her husband. She stopped drinking and has remained sober for several decades now.

The issue is that non-treated addictions tend to escalate, and it could be that your WW addiction is escalating. That weekend with OM might have been about as much about the "freedom" to snort and drink as about whatever emotions or sex might have taken place.

There is also the possibility that her anger towards you is a defense mechanism to defend her use (consumption of booze and coke). Look up codependency and addictions, and you will see that addicts seem to develop a doctorate in getting family members under control and codependent.

I have this theory – based on my real-life experience and my online experience here – that an addict/alcoholic will prioritize his buzz over EVERYTHING. As a cop I got calls from daycare centers where parents were picking up the kids while in a drunken stupor; I entered homes where the kitchen was bare of all food, but there were a couple of newly purchased vodka bottles; no water, not power but plenty of warm beer...
As far as infidelity and addiction goes, I have seen instances here where the WS will start a fight to either get the opportunity to go on a binge, or to divert from the addiction to the "less important" (for them) aspect of the affair.
In fact – I think that a relationship dealing with both infidelity AND addiction can’t expect any firm result regarding the infidelity UNTIL the addiction issue is being handled. After all – if her world made her choose getting her fix at the cost of getting you angry... she would choose the fix every time.

Antone – I don’t want to sound like some prude and believe me – I do have an active social life that regularly includes drinks and even the occasional dancing. But my social life NOW is completely different from when I was 45, and that was completely different from when I was 25. IMHO it’s not "normal" or "expected" for a couple with kids (even a combined family like yours) to be out partying as two individuals week after week.

There is a relatively simple test that can give a good indication of if there is some addiction in this scenario: Suggest you both do a 30 day sobriety period. If you can both (well... maybe especially she) can stick to that then I’m off in my analysis.

I don’t really have any advice as very new to this myself, but did want to message as your story is not dissimilar to mine and I really hope we both find peace in our paths forward.

On the addiction side, I would just echo comments that alcoholism/addiction shows up in many, many ways. This has been one of my biggest lessons so far.