SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’d like to add that the only time I got really angry, I mean REALLY ANGRY, was when I realized that I no longer had full confidence that my two children were genetically my two kids...

Ummm... my math skills may be a little fuzzy, but weren't your kids born well before the affair?

I'm not a man. I'm a middle-aged woman. The whole discussion is interesting to me because I can see that there are instances where I feel and act differently. For example, I can't picture myself being protective of my husband or his feelings with regard to his infidelity. Yet I can see where my brothers were raised to be protective of me and my feelings.

But, I think if I were a man and my significant other had been unfaithful at any point in the relationship, the question would enter my mind about my children being genetically mine. And I would also feel really angry.

Unhinged --

I've spent a lifetime studying philosophy. I've read the Bible (okay, maybe half), some of the Koran, a little Taoism, Confucius, Plato, Aristotle, Marcus Aurelius, Aquinas, Nietzsche, Kant, Rand... none of that prepared me for the depths of betrayal.

Yeah, I love studying philosophy and psychology and other ologies -- none of it, none of my logic or mindfulness helped me a bit either.

I suppose if my emotional wounds were down to the DNA, my biological programming hadn't read enough Socrates or Lao Tzu to make a difference.

However we find the bottom of anger and despair, I have enjoyed the climb back up into whatever today is.

It may mean my DNA is also back to chill level.

Or I'm now stoic enough to be closing in on House of Plane's just 'being' and letting everyone else do the same.

Asterisk --

To be honest, it was the 1st issue that I had to just accept that I will never know (for sure) that the kids I love with every fiber of my being may not be mine genetically.

Not that I needed any further clarification as to why you are here with us at SI all those years later, but this additional information (plus previous shares of other trauma in your life) explains a LOT about your continuing pain.

Unfortunately, I could relate for a long time.

My wife's A actually went from EA to PA while she was pregnant. Sure seemed like it could go either way for my youngest.

I didn't know for a long time, but I did check his blood type, and I knew AP's blood type (AP was family friend and he was a part time EMT, and it was on his ID). So, I was eventually able to answer the question. And if somehow he wasn't all mine, I never looked at him different, and wouldn't have if the evidence went the other way.

It's different level of pain in the years I wasn't certain.

Hopefully, venting here as often as you need will prove somewhat cathartic as you work toward healing up some more.

I'm not saying the paternity issue is at all likely or that there's anything you should do about it or that it would change your love for your children.

I guess I'm sympathizing in a way. I think personally it would occur to me at some point. Then I'd get angry about it, like irrationally angry that it's even something I have to think about; and how dare they put me and our children in that position. I'm not trying to encourage the point. It's a thing that I would completely understand going through emotionally though.

Unhinged,

I am going to combine your three comments into this reply.

I think your shame is more a reflection of that self abandonment.

Self-abandonment caused by protecting my spouse? That is a dizzying bind, isn’t it? If what you are suggesting is true then the question for me to answer is, is it worth it? Does my wife, in the long run, benefit from it? I need to ponder on this and get back with you.

She has been safe. And in reality by the kind of marriage and warmness you describe you have been in a safe relationship too for a very long time.

This is true. And probably the main reason I came to this site. I could see that I was living in two opposing worlds. One, where this amazing woman, who I’d never seen hurt another living creature, didn’t hesitate to kicked me to the curb. And another, where she loves me deeply and would do almost anything to take away the pain. But the one thing I need she has been unable to supply. And, I know few agree, but I have no right to force her in doing so, I would be, in a way, kicking her to the curb in a failed effort to meet my needs. This is why I desperately wanted a place to share and seek new perspectives.

You blame yourself for her affair.
The would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.
If I had only been paying attention. If I could only read her mind. If I had been this, done this, been more like this.
This is another asterisk you need to remove.

I am finding it difficult to understand why it sounds like I am blaming myself for my wife’s decision to cheat. I’m not unwilling to consider that I am, but are you willing to consider that I am not?

She had options, though she did not necessarily see them at the time which then begs the question; did she, in practicality, have alternative options? When a person is under pressure and panicking they just don’t see what is in front of them. They lunge instead of reach, often causing a catastrophic result. My position is that I missed opportunities to create a safer place for my wife. And yes, if I, and she, had been "paying attention" we might have both avoided the affair. I don’t mean to be stubborn, (Some might disagree.) but I just don’t understand why that sounds like I am justifying my wife’s decision or taking on the responsibility for her choice.

Yes, she may have had the affair anyway, no way to know. But I do not believe she was "destined" to have an affair. Affairs often happen, not because a person is a selfish shithead but because there are both current and past events in their lives that set them up to make terrible decisions. The fact is, I wasn’t paying close enough attention to the life we both chose to be living that was not healthy for my spouse. All I am saying is that I have accountability in not recognizing that some of my choices played a role in my wife’s unhappiness and feelings of desperation.

he could have made so many different decisions. There was a place she still needed to learn to fill for herself that she was using this other person to get. This is the most common reason people cheat.

This is true and I wanted to be, and should have been, that person but, because of the relationship that "we" built together, she could not see how I could be that person, so she made a desperate move. I would be remiss if I did not admit to myself and others here that she discovered important things about herself, that she was unable to with me, which have led to her being healthier and happier. Were there better ways for her to go about this discovery? Hell yes! But she didn’t see it. I am not justifying her or anyone for having an affair, it is me trying to understand and be honest about why my wife had her affair and the end results of her affair. Please understand, I am conflicted, not confident.

Ummm... my math skills may be a little fuzzy, but weren't your kids born well before the affair?

Yes. I didn’t phrase my words well enough and my way of wording could have led to a wrong conclusion.
The problem with infidelity, is one of the big fears of a betrayed is, how many others were there? Every close opposite friend of the wayward becomes a possible affair partner. The mind of the betrayed becomes overactive with flaring imaginations and flaming indictments, such as, are my kids mine?

What I know now is that my wife had the capacity to cheat. She had the desire to cheat. She believed she would never be caught cheating. The thing I will never know is when did she step onto the path of being a cheater and when did she step off? Was it before my kid’s birth or after? I have ideas, I have wanted beliefs, I have her words, what I will never have is full confidence. And that is a terrible place to find oneself and a horrific thing for a wife to do to her husband!

"You cannot reason a person out of a position he did not reason himself into in the first place."

That is a cool quote but, honestly, I don’t agree with it.

Asterisk

KitchenDepth,

The thoughts and opinions of the opposite sex is extremely important, and I welcome and value your addition to this conversation. This loss of confidence is one that only the male side of the equation is possibly saddled with. I know, out of every statement of doubt I shared with my wife, this was the most devastating for her to realize she had created and can never fix. It just is.

Thanks for your understanding,

Asterisk

Bos,

I also have to be honest that it scares the hell out of me that some of you are still on here after DDay + years and years.

And I can see that my situation has only served to add to your fear. And for that, I am deeply sorry. Maybe, the way you can view it, that might decrease your fear, is to learn from my mistakes. Don’t listen to me, listen to those here that have been successful at placing this all in the past.

Sorry about the estrangement with your dad.

Asterisk

Oldwounds,

I didn't know for a long time, but I did check his blood type, and I knew AP's blood type (AP was family friend and he was a part time EMT, and it was on his ID). So, I was eventually able to answer the question. And if somehow he wasn't all mine, I never looked at him different, and wouldn't have if the evidence went the other way.
It's different level of pain in the years I wasn't certain.

Wow, how fortunate that you had this information available to you. We looked into having a DNA test but, because by the time this worry popped into my brain our kids are adults, we needed their permission to do it. Neither of my kids know about my wife’s affair and we both see no benefit in telling them. Well, other than I could get a paternity test. To relieve my distress, my wife was going to tell our kids and though I appreciated her willingness, I told her if she did, I’d divorce her! And I meant it! The last thing I want is for the kids that I have loved all their lives to begin to wonder or have doubts that I might not love them as much if they were not genetically mine. Our pain does not need to be theirs!!! I know from what I have at times read here, that some will disagree, but I am "firm" on this.

Hopefully, venting here as often as you need will prove somewhat cathartic as you work toward healing up some more.

It does. It doesn’t.

Asterisk

Unhinged,

I am going to combine your three comments into this reply.

I think your shame is more a reflection of that self abandonment.

Most of these comments highlighted were from my response so I am going to respond to those.

Self-abandonment caused by protecting my spouse? That is a dizzying bind, isn’t it? If what you are suggesting is true then the question for me to answer is, is it worth it? Does my wife, in the long run, benefit from it? I need to ponder on this and get back with you.

When you sacrifice your emotional safety/comfort for someone else’s to the point it is of great detriment to you, then yes, that’s self abandoning behavior.

I used to be the queen of it. And when we show ourselves that other peoples feelings are more important than ours in situations where it shouldn’t be, then we aren’t being loving with ourselves- we are instead showing ourselves that we are not worthy of that consideration and the output is shame.

Your wife has been comfortable in your marriage while you have gone decades now with all these asterisks. The healthier way to have dealt with that was not to bury the affair while you still had processing to do. I say that with no judgment just reflecting back to you what I am getting from reading. And given the additional detail of questioning paternity on top of that you pushed a lot down that was important in order to not make your wife uncomfortable.

Now, there are times that we protect our spouses feelings and that can be healthy, but if it means sacrificing our well being then that’s self abandonment.

Think of it this way- when we love others we don’t just say it, right? We demonstrate it? And which one is more effective? The little daily demonstrations, the ways we show them consideration. Well self love is like that too. We may think we are being this good person in grinning and bearing it - but in reality that is a demonstration to ourselves and it can be destructive.

She has been safe. And in reality by the kind of marriage and warmness you describe you have been in a safe relationship too for a very long time.

This is true. And probably the main reason I came to this site. I could see that I was living in two opposing worlds. One, where this amazing woman, who I’d never seen hurt another living creature, didn’t hesitate to kicked me to the curb. And another, where she loves me deeply and would do almost anything to take away the pain. But the one thing I need she has been unable to supply. And, I know few agree, but I have no right to force her in doing so, I would be, in a way, kicking her to the curb in a failed effort to meet my needs. This is why I desperately wanted a place to share and seek new perspectives.

I am sorry hut I have not read all your posts in SI. What is the one thing you need her to supply?

You blame yourself for her affair.

The would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.

If I had only been paying attention. If I could only read her mind. If I had been this, done this, been more like this.

This is another asterisk you need to remove.

I am finding it difficult to understand why it sounds like I am blaming myself for my wife’s decision to cheat. I’m not unwilling to consider that I am, but are you willing to consider that I am not?

I am willing to believe you are not. It’s maybe even more subtle than that anyway. I was responding to reading this:

She is not the singular dimension woman that I seem to paint her out to be. She screwed up and that is on her. However, there are reasons why people do what they do and in her case I lay a huge amount of blame at the altar with its religious pressure to do so. Good girls don’t get angry, women are to be demure, and wives are to obey their husbands…that type of crude! I never demanded any of that, but from the pulpit it was commanded of her, and I didn’t push back or see the damage being done to my wife.And that is on me!

You are a person who looks for their responsibility in all of it. I do that too, but you must be more fair with yourself. And that is another subtle way you are not placing accountability for the affair solely on her.

She had options, though she did not necessarily see them at the time which then begs the question; did she, in practicality, have alternative options? When a person is under pressure and panicking they just don’t see what is in front of them. They lunge instead of reach, often causing a catastrophic result.

There is always a different option than having an affair. However, from my own experience I do concede when one is having a personal crisis that their decision making and and justifications of it can be highly irrational.

My position is that I missed opportunities to create a safer place for my wife. And yes, if I, and she, had been "paying attention" we might have both avoided the affair. I don’t mean to be stubborn, (Some might disagree.) but I just don’t understand why that sounds like I am justifying my wife’s decision or taking on the responsibility for her choice.

You can only pay attention to what is brought to you. It was her responsibility to communicate. No one is a mind reader.

My marriage was in worse shape than I realized too. But that was because I was internalizing everything and not managing myself properly. I can agree that my husband and I each had the responsibility for where the marriage was at the time, but it isn’t why I cheated.

I cheated because I chose to escape rather than work on it. My husband isn’t a mind reader either. Marriages have valleys and peaks, it’s part of it. But your wife did not have a good relationship with her values and priorities and that is what allowed her to cheat. Same for me.

Yes, she may have had the affair anyway, no way to know. But I do not believe she was "destined" to have an affair. Affairs often happen, not because a person is a selfish shithead but because there are both current and past events in their lives that set them up to make terrible decisions.

I do not think affairs are destined either. But when a person has an affair, you can guess their internal makeup became chaotic due to internal factors, and that would have bubbled over into some sort of disaster if not the affair. The way I was dealing with my life, my perceptions, coping, self abandonment, accumulated shame, emotional immaturity, etc all would have come out in unhealthy behaviors somehow. And in some ways it did.

There was a period where I drank too much wine too much of the time. I stopped easily when I decided to so I don’t believe I am an alcoholic. I can have an occasional cocktail a couple times a year and never want more but I was definitely abusing it. I have overshopped, over ate, I have been hyper sexual, anything you can name - and it was all escapism. The affair was sort of an escalation of that in response to an existential crisis I was genuinely having.

Notice that my husband isn’t even mentioned in any of that. Nor could he have intervened successfully in any of it. It’s all an internal battle and it happens in happy marriages as well as ones that are in the dumps and everything in between.

The fact is, I wasn’t paying close enough attention to the life we both chose to be living that was not healthy for my spouse. All I am saying is that I have accountability in not recognizing that some of my choices played a role in my wife’s unhappiness and feelings of desperation.

We are responsible for our own feelings. If something isn’t working we are responsible to say. We are the creators of our own lives, our spouse is meant to be an enrichment. A healthy person recognizes their own needs and communicates them. I don’t doubt she was incapable of that to some extent because I know that was true for me too. But this is train of thought you are sharing does explain why I see you blaming yourself. You likely could not have prevented it. My crisis wasn’t my marriage it was more about over sacrifice and empty nest and overworking.

Sure, maybe it was a wake up call and you both improved your abilities to be a husband and a wife, but here we are these many years later and you are still not communicating about these deep things that are impacting you in significant ways.

She could have made so many different decisions. There was a place she still needed to learn to fill for herself that she was using this other person to get. This is the most common reason people cheat.

I agree- key words- fill for herself.

This is true and I wanted to be, and should have been, that person but, because of the relationship that "we" built together, she could not see how I could be that person, so she made a desperate move. I would be remiss if I did not admit to myself and others here that she discovered important things about herself, that she was unable to with me, which have led to her being healthier and happier. Were there better ways for her to go about this discovery? Hell yes! But she didn’t see it. I am not justifying her or anyone for having an affair, it is me trying to understand and be honest about why my wife had her affair and the end results of her affair. Please understand, I am conflicted, not confident.

I mostly agree- but I will correct you on one thing. The part where you said there were important of herself she couldn’t discover with you. I don’t think she discovered them with him either. At least I didn’t. I discovered them through blowing my life up and saying how did I get here? It wasn’t enough that I was already being treated by a doctor for emotional exhaustion. That didn’t phase me even. But the affair partner taught me nothing. The circumstances were a wake up call but I didn’t benefit in one way from that affair. In fact all it brought was pain and destruction.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:17 PM, Friday, November 21st]

All I am saying is that I have accountability in not recognizing that some of my choices played a role in my wife’s unhappiness and feelings of desperation.

I've no doubt that some of my choices played a role in my exww's unhappiness and desperation. To be honest, it wasn't just some of my choices, it was a lot of my choices. I could have been a better husband, no doubt about that. Unlike your wife, mine was amply vocal about her feelings and thoughts, her fears and doubts, anger and frustration. Like your wife, my tendencies to avoid conflict, to crawl inside of myself, my inability to communicate my own needs and desires, caused much of our marital disharmony.

Affairs often happen, not because a person is a selfish shithead but because there are both current and past events in their lives that set them up to make terrible decisions.

I think you're right about part of this. My exww's strong codependent tendencies certainly set her up to make very bad decisions in her life.

Where I disagree, however, is that the decision to betray a spouse (or anyone else, for any reason) is incredibly and inexcusably selfish at its very core. Infidelity is all about the self. The sheer "fuck it" factor, the sheer level of assholery involved, is simply off the charts.

Everyone who cheats, at anything, does so out of pure selfishness. People who speed on the road, tailgate, roll through stop signs, punch yellow lights, or drive drunk, all do so out of selfishness and entitlement. It doesn't matter to them that the rules of the road exist for their safety and the safety of others. These are simple and generally inconsequential examples, used only to illustrate the point.

...the one thing I need she has been unable to supply. And, I know few agree, but I have no right to force her in doing so...

What right does she have to deny you the one thing you need to alleviate thirty years of anguish?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 3:27 PM, Friday, November 21st]

Where I disagree, however, is that the decision to betray a spouse (or anyone else, for any reason) is incredibly and inexcusably selfish at its very core. Infidelity is all about the self. The sheer "fuck it" factor, the sheer level of assholery involved, is simply off the charts.

I agree with this statement.

Asterisk,

What I am hearing in your writing (I can definitely be wrong). is your need to shoulder the responsibility for your wife's decision to cheat. At the least, to give her an excuse. Hindsight is 20/20. I can look back and search for all the things I did or didn't do that might have influenced my H's choices, but the fact remains. They were HIS choices. HIS decisions.

I too am a romantic. A flipping bleeding heart. It's what my H likes/dislikes about me. He often accuses me of "making excuses" for people. I try to see things from different perspectives, whereas he is more black and white. Lucky for him considering how things went down.

I am also a recovering codependent. :) Abandoning myself in order to keep others happy and comfortable. The peacemaker. It's taken this whole experience to wake me up. What I've learned through this is that the only person I can really know 100% is me. Isn't it silly that it took me this long to realize that? The only things I can be sure of about my husband are what he either tells me or his actions I witness. The rest is trapped securely up in his noggin. Same goes for me.

We can argue that our spouses did not have the tools to communicate clearly and honestly, but to take responsibility or a little blame for their actions is stepping into that grey area.

I'm not a great writer and have difficulty articulating my thoughts, so sorry if this comes off as something other than an observation. I just see bits of me in you. I forgave him moments after he confessed (typical for me but not regretted). I tend to cut him lots of slack. But I will never accept blame for why he did what he did. I love him dearly but this is his cross to bear. Quite honestly, shouldering this has been the best thing to happen to him. To us. I'm not going to interfere with that.

I feel your pain. I hope that you are helped by these interactions. You are definitely helping me. Thank you

Hikingout,

1st please accept my apologies for mixing up your reply with Unhinged. I tend to read and respond to replies or posts 1st thing in the morning which for me is around 1am. I don’t drink coffee so I guess my eyes and mind were still a bit blurry. 😊

I am sorry hut I have not read all your posts in SI. What is the one thing you need her to supply?

What I needed very early on was to have open and honest conversations about her affair and the effects it had on me. With the exception of the night she disclosed, she just would fall apart when ever I tried to go back over things. I’ll admit, it was mostly repeat stuff, my digging to try to understand why? She just slipped into herself and withdrew from me both emotionally and physically. Which didn’t help anything.

My wife tries but she just doesn’t have the bandwidth to address my pain. What she does do, is to retreat into herself and she stays there, not days, not weeks, not even months, she inverts into herself for decades. Not out of cruelty, or spite it is a survival technique she learned in her family of origin and was supported by her religious beliefs.

To her credit, she has come a long way, mostly in the last decade. She has found her inner strength and confidence and I love it. Because of many of you, it is dawning on me that I probably am the avoidant one now. That is not my natural way, but it is what I came to realize I had to become, on the affair issue, if I didn’t want to cause greater harm and risk destroying an otherwise wonderful marriage and life.

I get what so many of you are trying to get me to see about communication, but I’m not willing to take the chance and have her retreat again. I’ve decided, at this juncture, to take another approach offered by several individuals here, which is to learn how to live in the now and to see my wife as she is today. It is a bit tough to keep in the forefront of my mind, but I am getting better at it. My wife has noticed and has thanked me for my newfound approach.

But your wife did not have a good relationship with her values and priorities and that is what allowed her to cheat.

Brilliantly said!

My crisis wasn’t my marriage it was more about over sacrifice…

I would say the same about my wife and the religious pressure on her to do so.

But the affair partner taught me nothing. The circumstances were a wake up call but I didn’t benefit in one way from that affair. In fact all it brought was pain and destruction.

I didn’t mean to suggest that her affair partner taught her something. What I was attempting to convey is that she learned things about herself while in the affair. Good things. I know, my thinking here is apt to grade against raw skin, but I witnessed and benefited from her transformation. I’m not saying that her affair did not bring pain and destruction. I am not attempting to suggest that affairs are a good way to find oneself. I am not attempting to justify her (not mine) decision to cheat. But I’d be grossly unfair (I am only speaking for me.) if I took the position that the only thing that came of her affair was "pain and destruction".

Asterisk

Unhinged,

Where I disagree, however, is that the decision to betray a spouse (or anyone else, for any reason) is incredibly and inexcusably selfish at its very core. Infidelity is all about the self. The sheer "fuck it" factor, the sheer level of assholery involved, is simply off the charts.
Everyone who cheats, at anything, does so out of pure selfishness

I concede to a point but not fully. Let me explain it this way.

If a person is caught in a riptide, finding themselves helplessly being drug out through the surf, many do not know what to do so they panic. They don’t see the option of allowing themselves to go with it while swimming to the edge. Nope, they desperately try to swim against the rip towards shore. Which is absolutely the wrong decision, but one that is commonly made. I don’t see it as "selfish" but fear-based decision making. Let’s take it a little further. Here this person is, splashing, flailing, screaming, thinking they are dying, and no one is noticing nor coming to their rescue. So full blown panic sets in. What they don’t see is the innocent person that is swimming up to them to help. As soon as the drowning person sees them, do they relax and help in their own rescue? Some do but others grasp the head of the rescuer and try to climb on top of them which often leads to both individuals drowning. Now, no matter how terrible the drowning person’s decision was, no matter how awful the outcome, I can’t see anyone or any benefit in calling the person "selfish". Was it at its core selfish? Sure, I guess it is, but to not see and give grace to the fact that the person was in frantic panic is unkind and unjust and one might say – selfish.

What right does she have to deny you the one thing you need to alleviate thirty years of anguish?

Boy, would I like to agree with this. Frankly, though unkind and/or thoughtless, she has every right. Which means I have the right to go or stay but not to force.

Asterisk

Trumansworld,

Where I disagree, however, is that the decision to betray a spouse (or anyone else, for any reason) is incredibly and inexcusably selfish at its very core. Infidelity is all about the self. The sheer "fuck it" factor, the sheer level of assholery involved, is simply off the charts.
I agree with this statement.

Though I understand the thought, clearly I do not believe it applies at all times in all affair situations.

I can look back and search for all the things I did or didn't do that might have influenced my H's choices, but the fact remains. They were HIS choices. HIS decisions.

Agree, I have never said anything otherwise. This is what is so puzzling to me. I must be wording myself very poorly. The decision to cheat falls squarely on the person who chooses this terribly destructive option. Flat out, no other way that I can see it. However, it would be counter productive and selfish on my part (I’m not talking about anyone else or their situation) to not see that I have some skin in the game. To close my eyes and stubbornly state that my wife must carry all the responsibility is, in my mind, wrong thinking. I am not making the argument for the wayward, good god, I have been injured greatly. All I am saying is that people often do terrible things, not simply because they are little selfish jerks. If they are, then probably the only good option is to hike on out of the relationship.

We can argue that our spouses did not have the tools to communicate clearly and honestly, but to take responsibility or a little blame for their actions is stepping into that grey area.

Yes, Yes, YES! My point exactly, there is "grey area" that is all I am trying to say.

Not that this is our issue, but if a husband beats his wife because she does not talk to him does that encourage open communication? No, the lack of communication falls more on him than on her. Right?

Now, I am not one to get angry and hit anyone for any reason. But, as an athlete I learned, because I was actively taught, how to throw a glance that said, "take me on at your own peril’. I didn’t realize until after the affair that I would do that to my wife and she was fearful of me. Not in the way that I’d physically or verbally throw a punch, but she got the message anyway. I spent a great deal of time in front of a mirror working that "don’t challenge me look!" out of my eyes and off my face. So, yes, I share in the accountability.

I feel your pain. I hope that you are helped by these interactions.

Oh my goodness! I know it seems as if I am not listening to all of you or worse, I’m just thick brained. I have learned so much and have attempted to apply a lot of the things suggested to me. I may push back but that does not mean that I don’t sit back, after writing my reply, and think deeply about what has been said and why I think the way I do. I am here because I am aware I am doing some of this wrong. I am listening, I’m changing because of all of you.

Thanks everyone

Asterisk

Asterisk, I think you are a very wise and honorable man. Your dedication and love for your wife is truly aspirational.

I didn’t mean to suggest that her affair partner taught her something. What I was attempting to convey is that she learned things about herself while in the affair. Good things. I know, my thinking here is apt to grade against raw skin, but I witnessed and benefited from her transformation. I’m not saying that her affair did not bring pain and destruction. I am not attempting to suggest that affairs are a good way to find oneself. I am not attempting to justify her (not mine) decision to cheat. But I’d be grossly unfair (I am only speaking for me.) if I took the position that the only thing that came of her affair was "pain and destruction".

I probably skipped over a thought here.

My affair did only bring pain and destruction.

In the aftermath, I brought myself to a transformation. I did not learn in the affair, I learned because that decision propelled me to figure myself out…because of the pain and destruction. And I have greatly grown since that time.

I simply contend I could have done to it another way. But those coulda woulda shouldas are shaming, and I have learned to reframe it over time with the knowledge I have gained over how I became that way to begin with and knowing that I have come a a long way.

It sounds like the route you are on you are beginning to celebrate your successes and that’s a big part of what gets you from point A to point B. So I think you are on the right track.