SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello. I made a post in reconciliation last week but within that and reading others i decided to sit my WS down and have a chat.

In the chat he came clean about continuing to search AP pictures online. Swears he only did it one time since i had found out before. It has been an ongoing problem for about 6 years. Really our entire relationship.

I just found out about the most recent which has thrown me into past problems and thoughts. I really am struggling with it and i’m unsure how to deal with it. He wants to just sweep it away and stopped communicating about it.

I’ve tried to get past what happened before but finding out it happened again. Even though there is still NC, i feel looking at APs pictures falls in the same category as everything else.

I just need advice and support. I’m really losing my mind.

Sorry that he continues to hurt you. It sounds as if you rug swept rather than did the work to heal and repair the relationship.

If he's not 100% into R, then maybe you need to rethink what you want from this relationship.

Are you in IC? A counselor may be able to help you so that you aren't feeling like you're crazy. You aren't crazy. Your mind can do some odd things when you've experienced trauma, and infidelity is trauma.

There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that are really good reads. There are some that aren't pinned that you can find by looking for their bull's eye icon that are also excellent resources. There are a couple that touches on recovering before you say reconcile, and one about boundaries and consequences.

Sorry that you're hurting.

I’m so sorry that he continues to cheat but won’t admit it.

IMO looking up ANYTHING about the OW and not telling you is a continued pattern of lying and cheating and disrespect and manipulative behavior.

I would also venture to say that he didn’t do it "just one time" but he just got caught "one time".

If he’s so addicted to the OW then sadly you are not reconciling. I’ve been in that place where I worked my butt off to R only to find out my H was still cheating.

I am going to suggest that you get a good counselor who is experienced in infidelity for yourself. It will be great to get good advice from someone who will support you.

Just remember this - liars lie and cheaters cheat and lie. If your spouse cannot or will not be completely honest now when your marriage is in the line, then I fear he will not change.

Unless you change, he may have no incentive to change. By that I mean that my H thought he could sweet talk me for a month or so and I would allow him to let his affair be swept under the rug.

When I did the hard 180 and told him I was filing for D, he STILL thought I would cave. He saw a side of me he wished he never saw. I took back all control and power in the relationship and he was completely blindsided.

Did he change? Yes he did. However it took years before I let my guard down. We are happily reconciled but only because I changed and thus, he was forced to change (of his own choosing).

Every new revelation takes you back to square one with reconciliation. Just when you think you know everything and you're working on processing it you learn something new and everything resets

You gave him a boundary of no contact and he ignored it which is in my opinion the same as disrespecting you and the relationship

Reconciliation only works when the WS is 100% committed. Anything less than that, any dishonesty, any trickle truth, and Reconciliation will not work

IMO, this is a DDAY2. NC meant NC, yet he is still going back to the well for another hit of dopamine. He’s still pining for her or the feelings he got from his A.

What do you want? He’s shown he has not changed, and there is no real reason to change. So what do you want? Focus on that.
And make changes from there. You can’t control him, so you have to be the change.

I am so sorry he has not stepped up and done the work. :- (