SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, me and my partner have been together nearly 4 years and welcomed are baby girl last July and he has a daughter from previous relationship that I took on. He was always so against cheating hated anyone that done it including his own friends long story short he started a new job and on a staff night out he walked a work colleague back to her hotel and they slept together. He told me 2 days later I went into a shock and couldn’t believe this has happened, we were kind of okay after just doing things with the kids. For the past 2 weeks I’ve felt like I just feel empty and I don’t love him and just wondering if that is a normal thing to feel because I am so confused.

I am so sorry you have had to join this site but you will get great support and advice.

What you are feeling is completely normal - everyone has different feelings and reactions to a betrayal.

You will go through periods of anger, extreme sadness, crying, and grief over the situation.

Be sure you eat and drink. Avoid alcohol or drugs to numb the pain - it doesn’t work. Sleep may be a challenge too - but do your best (especially with a new baby).

Maybe consider professional counseling to help you sort through this situation and make some decisions at some point.

You do not need to decide now if you will end this relationship or try to reconcile. That may take time to decide on what you want to do.

While this doesn’t necessarily mean anything, the fact the cheater’s admitted it on his own is a rare occurrence here at SI. If he’s truly remorseful and willing to make amends, you might be able to continue being together. However that is for you to decide. And you don’t need to decide that right now.

Everyone should get tested for any transmittable diseases.

You may need an attorney consultation regarding parenting rights and custody if you decide to split up.

Again so sorry for this. You deserve better.

Yeah I didn’t know if it was normal to feel like I’m not in love anymore or not so was just confused. Yes he admitted it and is truly remorseful for what he has done and knows it was so wrong. Just most mornings I wake up with a sick anxious feeling in my stomach it’s crazy how much your body can go through.

Many people don't realize just how damaging and devastating an affair is until it shows up at their front door. I'm one of those people. When it hit me what was going on, it felt like a building had just dropped out of the sky and landed on my head. I got no confession and had to find out on my own. It shatters your whole world and makes you question what's real and what's not. You're going to be on a roller coaster ride of emotions for quite a while now.

As 1stWife said, it's not often you get a confession, so I give your husband the tiniest sliver credit for that. However, make no mistake, you're dealing with a significant traumatic event. Many people experience PTSD symptoms. Your husband has a ton of work to do to demonstrate he can be a safe partner again. That is if you choose to stay in the relationship.

I'd have him read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda McDonald. It's a fairly short read. The audio book is just over 2 hours, but it covers a lot. It will clue him in on what you're likely going through, where your head is at, and what he needs to do to start making you feel safe again if you want to continue with the relationship. My wife and I listened to it together. It's a good book and really nails it.

I'm so sorry you've found us under these circumstances, but you're in the right place. This is one of the best clubs that no one wants to join. Take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating, and try to get some sleep, tho I know it's hard in these early days of discovery.

Keep posting here, even if you just want to vent. Most of us know what you're going through and understand your pain. Just typing it all out and getting feedback helped me a lot. You're not alone.

[This message edited by Pogre at 11:49 AM, Friday, November 21st]

Can you share why he told you? Did you suspect something, were there clues or did you question him?
How did his previous relationship end? (the one the daughter is from)
Did either of them cheat in that relationship?

What might be positive in your story is if he came forth and shared what happened. That indicates that he realizes what he did was wrong, and that it’s not something he can keep a secret while hoping for a good relationship with you.
Yes – I know "positive" sounds strange in this context.

I kind of had a feeling but just pushed it to the back of my head then when we were out with are daughter and he just couldn’t look at me really so I asked him and he came clean with it,
His previous relationship ended quite bad with his other child’s mum and he now has full custody of her due to what went on.
No he has never cheated on anyone before which is why it’s such a shock he has always been so against it.
He has told me everything that has happened they were on a work night out and very drunk although he said that being drunk is no excuse, but she wasn’t from the area and didn’t know where her hotel was so he walked her back and walked her to her room she kissed him then one thing led to another he said he knew right away what he done was wrong got a shower and left because he felt dirty.. the first while was okay but I think I just didn’t want to believe it and we continued doing things with the kids. The past 2 weeks though I have been so confused, angry and sad and just can’t seem the shake myself from feeling so down and having no effort to do anything.

You are in the shocked stage of grief. It is the flight, fight or freeze period. Right now your body/mind is trying to be very still while it sorts out what happened. Picture people wandering around after a tornado not knowing what to do or where to go. That is where You are right now. 1st wife gave you some good advice. Look after your health while you recover.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 12:59 PM, Friday, November 21st]

Nomanturb

I am a direct sort of guy. Maybe the best advice anyone can give you is to be kind to yourself and give yourself time.
However... being a direct sort of guy I’m going to say the following:

NEVER feel cornered in.
You always have options. This isn’t like the options in an ice-cream store where the option is pistachio or salted caramel. These are tough options that might not be "nice", but they can get you to a better place. They can be an improvement, and that improvement might lead to other, more positive options.

He got you and your family (your baby, his daughter, you and him) into this mess, and it’s your call if he is with you when you get yourself out of it.

What is positive about your story is that he felt guilty and came clean so quickly. Add to that your comment about this being out of character and it might make him a probable candidate for reconciliation.
But it’s totally YOUR call if you want to give him that gift. I can assure you that you will be fine on your own – eventually. Two years from now you will be doing OK, hopefully successfully coparenting your beautiful daughter.

However – if you want to reconcile – your first step is to make 100% certain he does so too. I think you would need the following:
Total accountable truth about what happened. Why that woman? When did he first meet here? Why a hotel? What is their daily work-relationship? What can he do to assure you there is no contact? All the questions you might have – you want them answered.

Then the steps he’s willing to take to make you feel safe. Like if they are in daily work-contact, that might require him to change jobs. Maybe he has to omit all work functions off the clock, maybe he needs to be sober at work functions... Whatever you need to feel safe.
He would benefit from therapy to get to the bottom of why he followed her to the hotel and had sex with her.

I think that if he’s open to change HIMSELF – because it wasn’t the marriage that cheated – you have a shot.

Yes he has told me all the details, she booked a hotel to stay as she wasn’t from the area and he walked her back. She also had a boyfriend and wasn’t going to tell him but I made sure to. They work in the same place but he works days and she works night so they don’t see each other, he blocked her straight away and cut all contact. He has gave me all the answers to the questions I’ve asked, part of me wants to stay and work on things and maybe build something better, another part of me is currently sick and not having the energy to even hold a conversation with him or feel like I have any feelings towards him at all which I don’t know is normal as I’ve never been through this before.

I find that when we’re together I enjoy his company and I’m not really thinking of it and it’s when we’re apart I start feeling like this.