SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife cheated on me 13 years ago and there are times when it feels like it was yesterday. We’re still together and our marriage is in a better place than it’s ever been but I still can’t get over her affair. She claims that she had no feelings for the guy but he would always ask her how she was and listen to her where in her eyes, I wasn't. She realizes now that he was playing her and that this is something this guy had been doing and still does to women. But the things that make me feel like I can’t put it behind me is four things. #1 I set up boundaries and rules for reconciliation. One of which was that if I get any kind of bad feelings about any guy hanging around her that it’s an immediate cut him off permanently. She has violated this one twice (but not in the last 7-8 years) and when I told her to cut him off, she got mad about it and would say FINE!!!! #2 I told her that I wanted to know everything and when she told me, it seemed like something a liar would say. "We had sex but he never finished and he couldn’t keep it up, and it hurt and I didn’t like it at all" And "he kissed me but it was gross" Then he wanted to try again but I didn’t want to so I gave him oral a couple of times but it was gross and he was mean about it and shoved my head on it". #3 Years later this all came to a head and we were discussing it and how I didn’t feel like she told me everything. Well she wrote me an email telling it again but this time she gave him oral twice before she had sex with him. But she had originally said that when she had sex with him, that was the first time she had seen his penis. But that could not be if she had already given him oral. She had also told me that his penis was "way bigger than mine" and how they had made fun of mine. But she later recanted and said that actually they’re the same size and his was smaller around. 🙄. And #4 Im a person who needs details to get past things. I have trouble getting past things when I don’t know the answers to my questions. But she always says how sorry she is about it but she doesn’t remember and doesn’t want to try to remember and have that stuff in her head again. But I tell her that it’s killing me not to know and it’s in my mind at least 3-4 times a week. She did tell me that she doesn't remember what was said the first time. She said that he gave her a ride somewhere and when she got back in the car, he had his penis out. And somehow she sucked it. All she'll said is that she felt like she had to. The second time she said that he wanted to have sex and she did't so she sucked him again. Then the sex happened per #2 above. Part of me thinks that she is either lying and knows I will remember her former stories or she is worried that she will misspeak and it won’t match up and I will remember and think she is lying. This is just so hard. I want to know the truth. And I want this pain to end. And it’s crazy because everything else is great. we have tons of sex (15-20 times per month) She lets me know when she’s on lunch when she leaves work, where she’s at and with whom etc. she follows our rules to the T and has been for the entire 13 years, sans the two incidents I mentioned earlier. Am I crazy? Am I to the point where I need to just get over it?

our marriage is in a better place than it’s ever been

ThisGuy, your pain is evident in your words. 13 years is a long time to be carrying so much pain and suspicion. You say your marriage is better than ever, but it doesn't sound like that isn't what you're feeling in you heart. Maybe it's what you think you *should* be feeling based on external factors, like how often you and she have sex, or how well she is following your rules, or how many years have passed since DDay, but if you truly felt that things were better than ever, I don't think you'd have written this post.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice for how you get past your 4 key issues. I tried reconciliation for 2.5 years, and in the end, I realized that there were too many things I couldn't get past, so I decided to walk away. My life will be my own after the divorce is done (except when we have to deal with kid stuff), and that's the only thing that allows me to let the pain go (though it is still a struggle at times).

I'm sorry you're having an especially tough time right now - maybe the feelings are worse because of the holidays, or this time of year is close to DDay or some other high-emotion event for you? Did something happen that caused you to make this post, or do you feel like this all the time? If it's the latter, maybe you have to admit that you aren't going to get over this.

It took me a while to accept that the cheating and subsequent lying were deal breakers for me. I'm certainly not the only one who has struggled with this (and wanting R to succeed) and eventually arrived at a point where we had to walk away for everyone's good. Not all of us are cut from the same cloth, and not everyone can get past infidelity.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of most forums that I would encourage you to read. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information.

Have you thought about doing IC (individual counseling)? I went to a betrayal trauma specialist and she was so helpful in processing my feelings.

Do you think having a polygraph would help you? You could go over the email your wife sent, then ask if there are more details she'd like to add. Then, the polygraher could ask a question like, " is everything you remember in the email? " You can work with the polygraher on other questions.

I suggest you both read Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. It's a long red, but very good.