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BackfromtheStorm

I think what you are writing about the feeling of safety may apply in many cases. I would use the word comfort. Some people may be more comfortable and open in objectively less safe situations.

It doesn't change the fact that when some people see the bad wolf licking it's teeth before devouring them and their loved ones (which they vowed to protect), they feel like they never saw anything more beautiful and exciting in their life and they serve at the feast. It's not always that they reluctantly oblige to make the wolf accept them, though it happens as well. And of course there are people who are the wolfs. No attempt of evolutionary psychology and neurological rationalizations can change the fact that this is who they are, so why not just say it in a frank way?

When my ex GF cheated on me, I had no doubt why. The guy was a bit taller, dark hair (I'm blond), better cloths, he was older and had more status back then. He was arguably more charismatic in a clownish way, but she liked it. He was more her type. If I fooled myself to believe that she was just lost and "didn't get" something about him instead of accepting that she desperately wanted to jump his bones (as much as it hurt and threatened my self esteem), I would probably allow her back in later and it would be the worst decision of my life. I would end up with someone incompatible in a labyrinth of cognitive dissonance of my own creation.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 5:12 PM, Thursday, January 15th]

Itiswhatitis000

I see your point, psychology plays the background role, it is useful if we know the patterns because often they are predictable.

Yes, you are correct, both women and men have "a type" (idealized partner) is natural, but it is more marginal than we like to think.

Sometimes we get with "our type", most often when we meet someone who lights the emotional spark, "our type" goes right out the window and you'd never change him/her for "your type".

Because it is a fantasy, and reality can never match fantasies, but more, we do not even get why we build those fantasies like that, is like the interpretation of emotions we do not fully comprehend by the time when we create it. We may never understand them or we may get them much later in life.

Stupid example:

I always had a strong attraction for blondes.

Never thought much about it, I archived it out as it was just a preference, blonde, blue eyes = prettier.

While it was true that if a girl was blonde (real or fake) or had blue eyes it was a plus, and used to catch my eye more, in the end girls who I found truly attractive had all kinds of hair color, skin color, eye color ad so on. Ultimately it did not matter at all in making the girl attractive to me (let's skip that I was completely emotionally fucked up by my own issues and I was changing girls like you change shows when binge watching, I was terrified of connection).

Want to know what was that? Turns out my mom had post partum depression and she was completely emotional disconnected from me for the earliest years of my life. She was there, but she wasn't there. I have flashbacks of this blonde lady (mostly from her back) near but just outside my reach.

And that's where my "blonde" ideal comes from.

Your cheating ex girlfriend might have a similar 'simulacrum', and that might have played a role, but cheating is a deeper issue yet, "healthy" women and men will break up with you when they realize it does not work out or it was just temporary.

Cheaters tend not to break up, at least not until they have an option secured, or better yet (According to their nerve system) they keep the foot in two shoes, because is selfish and needed to soothe their self worth issues.

Mind also that our sexuality works a bit different, for us beauty and appearance are way more important in the long term to maintain attraction. I don't like to simplify too much, but women are a bit more articulated when it comes to how their attraction works.

I "lost" my girlfriend (now wife) to OMen that if you see in a picture comparison, you would not believe could happen even if she was drunk out of her mind (and she wasn't). I know it is humiliating because we BS cannot avoid to compare ourself to the OM / OW our partner had an affair with, it is human.

But in all seriousness do not let your self worth take a hit for those, because it is not really about you, it is about the WS/WP's own issues.

Is not about OM/OW either in most cases, they are predatory and just using the WS for sex and their own ego boost, most often the WS will get discarded at some point, because he/she is a cheater and deep down, not many people want to ever wear the BS shoes (we are in a club no one wants to join) by committing to a cheater.

Or if those 'relationship' work, is very likely there will be cheating from one or both sides, because it is something who started dirty from both APs and is unlikely will flip into clean and honest partnership.

Sexual and self esteem exploitation and discarding is the most common outcome for a WS.

That is likely to be the destiny of the OP's WS as well, no matter how much blood of their family they sacrifice to the altar of betrayal.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:08 AM, Friday, January 16th]