SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you, eyeloveu, for also sharing your story. Wow, what he did was very sneaky and shitty. And there it is, he’s lost your trust and respect. I have no respect for my H either, I can’t trust him. It is not a good way to live and I’m thinking more and more that I am done. And from the outside we look the perfect family too. It sickens me. Barely anyone on his side of the family knows what he did and it sickens me that they worship him, and tell him how great he is…. HE’S NOT! It makes me cringe as well! Hell, I can’t even give him a compliment that is genuine! It sucks! I wish you good luck with your situation.

Not to threadjack, but eyeloveu, he is minimizing - having oral sex with an escort is cheating. Just because it isn't a love affair doesn't mean it's not infidelity. Monogamy and faithfulness don't have exceptions for paid sex.

More generally, no one is owed R or second chances after breaking marriage vows. That is something you can choose to offer, but trickle truth will reduce the chances of successful R. Someone who sneaks around is someone who is scared to come clean, and that's why trickle truth happens so often. They will try to give you as little information as possible in a desperate but misguided attempt to save the relationship. Unfortunately very few WSes realize that they need to come fully clean right away to help restore trust. Those are usually the best candidates for R, but they are rare.

Yes, like an imbecile, I did. It took 2 months grom DDay for him to get caught breaking NC. It took me 5 minutes to start making phone calls to attorneys to set up appointments after I discovered his broken NC.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 2:14 AM, Wednesday, December 31st]

Ah, StillLivin, you're less of an imbecile than me in that case (I don't think either of us is actually an imbecile). I caught him breaking NC 2.5 months after dday and saw a lawyer but didn't file and gave him more chances. He didn't break NC again (that I know of), but there was so much trickle truth for the rest of that first year, I count them as 2 more ddays, though the fourth one was more like d-week. I wasn't ready to walk away though, not until this year. We all do our best with the crappy situations we're handed.

That's sweet, NoThanks, I appreciate the support. It was definitely a rookie move even attempting R, but I promise it will never happen again for anyone that cheats on me. But the bar was low. He did so many ahitty things before the A and I should have left loooong before his A. Lesson learned and all that. The good thing is that I learned a lot about myself and im not bitter about my past. It made me a stronger better version of myself.

NoThanksForTheMemorie and StillLivin, thanks for your posts, but I think I might be top imbecile! I’m 3-1/2 years from DD, plus a few other lies that came to truth along the way, and I’m 99% sure I’m going to persue a D. So, there you have it! My H is even doing everything right, I just can’t take it, nor love him anymore. sigh

PossumLover, 😂🤣 OK, maybe I didn't win first prize, but I was definitely a runner up.
I credit my support group. My BFF said to me (she was with me when I discovered his affair originally...saw the phone bill and knew a married man had no business on the phone all hours of the day and night with another woman), "StillLivin, I refuse to let you make the same stupid mistakes I made." And then she proceeded to verbally pound into me what I needed to do because I was in shock. I didn't listen at first due to the shock, but when I found out he was secretly still in contact, I didn't hesitate in pursuing D.

It took me about 6 months after Dday2 to decide to pull the plug. I never told my now EXWW that I had penciled in a decision date as she is performative by nature, I just sat back and watched. During that time, she had an IC that told her she was a good person and what she did wasn't that bad. The books I ordered her went unread. The articles I sent her were left unopened. The videos were left un-watched.

Meanwhile, I read and watched everything I could get my hands on. I wanted answers, even when there weren't any. I grew, I worked on myself, and i began the healing process. And as I grew, I left my WW further behind. The contrast between us became even more pronounced. As I became more, she became less in comparison. And then there came the realization that even the very best version of her was no longer good enough for me. I may have been willing to endure it pre-infidelity where I still saw her as i imagined,but not after her cheating and lying. Her betrayal shattered my image of herxand it could never be reassembled.

Even 7+ years later, she has not grown at all. Soon, she will be a 60 year old version of her 20 years old self, while I have gotten to a place of contentment in my life. I have down days where I stew or am lonely, but those are few. The vast majority are good and I don't regret my decision to live authenticly for the first time in my life. Sadly, it's at tge end that I finally put myself first.

Sadly, it's at the end that I finally put myself first

I feel like this is very similar to saying, "I found it in the last place I looked." :)

If any of us could have put ourselves first (in a healthy/not selfish way) at the start of the relationship or even on dday, we would've been better off. It couldn't/can't happen until a person is ready to do it, and when that means the end of the relationship, then that's when it happens.

I've seen some statistics that most attempts at reconciliation have failed by the 5 year mark (5 years past dday1). Detaching from someone, no matter how much they've hurt you, can take a while, especially if you have many years or decades together.

Justsomeguy, I aspire to one day be where you are!