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It is pretty common here to see infidelity follow upon significant weight loss for the WS. Think about it. It’s pretty heady stuff. New body image, getting attention and noticed by the opposite sex, new clothes, etc. Same with cosmetic surgery. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Stay the course.

Justsomeguy thank you for sharing your story it is very inspiring I hope to that I can find peace in this someday. My parents are still with me and I’m so thankful for that as they are so supportive of me also helps I’m an only child but they are trying to figure out ways to help me to keep my house and buy her out. I think it’s a long shot but hey it’s something to strive for I guess gives me a goal to shoot for as I’d like to keep my children in the only home I think they really remember as our son was maybe 3 when we built it. It’s funny how fast things change with moods with her she was put on a different medication for high blood pressure that she lost a lot of weight taking. She looks amazing and knows it problem is I think is messing with her head I did some reading on the three she is taking and together can cause some crazy side effects. I mentioned it to her but she shrugged it off and with the weight loss I doubt she quits taking it but she has only been this different person since that switch. Maybe that’s it maybe it’s not but as I haven’t engaged with her now she is trying to be decent so idk I’m still watching my p’s and q’s though.

My wife was put on a new (to her) anti seizure medication with a list of negative side effects and a reputation for causing aggression, anger, and changing personalities. She also lost a significant amount of weight and was/is looking pretty amazing. She did become more aggressive and argumentative, and her personality changed. I do think it influenced her in a bad way. But here's the thing, once her affair was brought to light and she was dragging her feet about going NC with him, I made phone calls and set up appointments with divorce lawyers and real estate agents. Once I put divorce on the table and she knew I meant it, suddenly some of the more negative side effects just kinda melted away. She's still taking keppra and has been an angel for the last several months now.

I think some meds can influence a person, but they're overall still basically in control. She knew what she was doing was wrong, and she wasn't completely out of control. She's proved that with her attitude post d day. I think meds can be a factor, but they're not an excuse.

And yes, sudden changes in appearance, especially weight loss, do seem to go hand in hand with infidelity.

Over the last 2 years Bigger has gotten lesser by over 50 pounds.
Still only getting and showing THAT sort of attention to and from my wife.
No interest in having my weight-lost verified in a romantic way by others, although I do appreciate positive comments from coworkers and friends.

Bigger I do agree I myself have lost almost 80lbs now. Women don’t seem to say things to men like men do to women or at least not that I’ve seen or encountered. The place my wife works at is probably 1000 men to about 50 females and she has to deal with them all everyday being 1 of 2 nurses there. I get it is not an excuse but it’s just an endless barrage of testosterone that she has never encountered before nor looked like this before. She definitely learned the hard way as our kids will suffer from this and she is an amazing mother but live and learn guess she wanted them to have exactly the same childhood she did only difference is I won’t just leave my kids I will support them and be there any way that I can.

The most painful realization in this situation is that you cannot negotiate for the truth. You have provided her with every safety net—offering to work on the marriage if she’s honest, paying for the polygraph, and giving her months to come clean—and she has used that time to refine her excuses rather than her integrity.

​Here is why your decision to divorce is the only logical path left:

​- Honesty cannot be "Extracted": You’ve seen now that even a polygraph cannot make a liar honest. She found a loophole in the testing process (the "sniffle" excuse) because her priority is protecting her image, not healing your heart. If someone is willing to manipulate a formal exam, they will manipulate a dinner table conversation for the next 20 years.
- ​The "Moving Target" Strategy: You mentioned that every time you turn, she "changes lanes." This is a defense mechanism called DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender). By making you the "monster" to her therapist and friends, she is creating a narrative where her lies are justified. You cannot reconcile with someone who is actively rewriting history to make you the villain.
- ​Respect Follows Truth: She currently views your desire for the truth as a weakness she can exploit. By filing for divorce, you are stopping the "policing" of her life. You are essentially saying: "I no longer care what the 'real' story is, because the person you’ve become is not someone I want to be married to."
- Protecting Your Children: You mentioned being scared of losing the "home they remember." However, children remember the atmosphere of a home more than the walls. Growing up in a house where the father is a "detective" and the mother is a "defendant" creates a toxic blueprint for their future relationships. By leaving, you are teaching them that self-respect is more important than staying in a dishonest environment.

​Stop looking for the "full story." The full story is already written in her actions: she hid her phone, she blamed your drinking, she wore the thongs, and she sabotaged the test. That is all the evidence you need. You aren't "losing" your home or your 17 years; you are buying back the rest of your life. At 41, you have decades of peace ahead of you that can only begin once you stop trying to solve a puzzle where she has hidden half the pieces

The full story is already written in her actions: she hid her phone, she blamed your drinking, she wore the thongs, and she sabotaged the test. That is all the evidence you need.

Spot on.

She could have been honest and forthcoming. But she doesn’t want to be.

As I often say here at SI it’s not the affair that kills the marriage. It is the behavior of the cheater after Dday that kills the marriage.

At 41, you have decades of peace ahead of you that can only begin once you stop trying to solve a puzzle where she has hidden half the pieces

I think having some peace in your life will far outweigh the sadness of ending up Divorced. You will be happier. Your kids will be better off having a you as a parent who is not stressed, crying and having emotional meltdowns due to a cheating spouse.

You need to be prepared for the day your STBXW decides she doesn’t want a D. I suspect that day is coming when reality hits. I’m not saying whether you should take her back but you need to consider her behavior towards you post Dday and whether she really loves you or she’s doing it for other reasons (keep her lifestyle or financial reasons or it’s temporary until something better comes along). She may try to manipulate you w/ her crappy reasons (kids etc.) but please do not feel obligated to take her back.

Only R if you believe you will be happy and have the marriage you deserve and want. Do. Not. Settle. Under any circumstances.