SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone! I've read quite a few stories on this forum and quickly realised that mine is very different. The cheating took place very early on in the relationship and I'm scared of being judged for staying, considering that we are not married and have only been together for less than 2 years. Please be kind, I'm still hurting and we have a 10 month old son together.

I'm a 35 yo female. I got pregnant 3 months into the relationship. The pregnancy wasn't planned, however we both seemed happy, excited and in love at the time. Things just seemed 'right', like they were meant to progress fast, as stupid as it perhaps sounds now. I moved in with him 6 months into the relationship and to be fair I was quite happy and felt safe and looked after throughout my pregnancy. He was reassuring me of his love daily, coming to every appointment and getting the house ready for our baby boy's arrival.

I will make a disclaimer that I do not regret having my son, being his mum is the best thing that's ever happened to me, even though my relationship with his dad is not great now and the events that followed the birth sent me into postpartum depression.

Long story short 5 weeks after I gave birth a woman contacted me via social media with screenshots of her conversations with my partner. Flirty conversations, him moaning about me and telling her he wished he never met me, telling her she was amazing and also some messages suggesting something happened between them physically although it wasn't clear what that was. I was in a complete state of shock. I didn't expect anything like this as I thought we were happy and just excited for our new family. I was stupid as clearly it was one sided.

I confronted him and he told me that she was a work colleague. They texted most days for about 2 months whilst I was pregnant, held hands at work, hugged and apparently kissed only once (I've never had that confirmed by her so I'm not sure if I believe that) and it never progressed to sex. He was always home on his days off from work so I do believe that most of their contact happened at work or via text whilst he was at home with me. I work from home so we spent a lot of time together at home. I did think at the time that he was on his phone a lot but at the same time I told myself that it was probably just in my head that something was off.

His explanation at the time? During an argument about 6-7 months into pregnancy I told him that I only stayed with him because I was pregnant and needed his help. He started doubting the relationship from that moment and apparently questioned whether I ever loved him. He thought I would have the baby and leave. I do remember saying those words to him and I've never denied that, however he did not take my raging hormones into account. I didn't mean it, I felt all sorts of emotions during pregnancy and as he continued acting normal after that argument I didn't see a problem developing. Maybe it's my fault.

This is when the OW confessed her feelings towards him and they started talking. He even got her secret gifts etc. all whilst I was at home pregnant.

We did have a conversation about our relationship about 2 weeks after our son was born. I could feel that something was off and addressed it by asking him if he even wanted to continue being a family or if he would prefer for me and our son to move out (his behaviour shifted and he was very distant at that point). Initially he said he didn't want the relationship to continue, however after having a real heart to heart we both discussed what was bothering us and he said he loved me and we would work things out.

He then went back to work after his paternity leave (5 weeks following birth) and ended the relationship with the OW. This is what prompted her to message me and reveal the affair. She was hurt as he told her he would leave me and then didn't follow through and instead told her nothing would happen between them. She was hoping I would leave him if she messaged me, whilst at the same time sending him hundreds of messages of abuse calling me a 'whore' etc.

Since D-day my DP changed his jobs to not see her again, blocked her number and all her social media, went to therapy and is trying to book days out as a family and do everything for me to start feeling more secure.he even blocked his old work colleagues to not trigger me.

I know this is probably a mess to read. I'm having a worse day today so it's difficult to make sense of things. It's been a few months now and he is a great dad, very hands on and I can see that he's trying but I'm not sure if this is worth saving. Did we ever even have anything to start with?

Thank you for writing and being vulnerable. What he did was horrible and it will be difficult road. But from what you said, it sounds like he has done the right things.

I think based on what you said that he does love you and you have something real.

His stupid fantasy and betrayal based on one thing you said is a horrible excuse. He needs to emotionally mature and learn to to stay committed through the upda and downs.

I really hope he did not have sex with her or do other stuff. It is important to really get the truth for recovery to work.

Thank you, that's a really kind response to my story. I expected more judgement so I really do appreciate you reading it and responding the way you did ❤️

After 13 years of dealing with a wayward spouse that didn’t do adequate work to fix things, I’ve learned some things.

I’ve learned that 90% of what he said was absolute bullshit. And the other 10% was still crappy because he lacked insight.

I learned that I avoided the truth each time I said his affair was different than others. Each time I said, "at least he didn’t do…. (Insert thing here)." It was all avoiding the pain of what he did do. It was all instead of saying, "What he did was terrible. Period."

I also learned - Whenever I have felt judged for something I posted on this site, it’s because I was avoiding the truth I wanted to deny.

Just a heads up.

You don’t need to excuse any behavior or justify anything here. But your fear of being judged is very familiar to me.

You should listen to that, explore it more.
Why does it upset you what random strangers on the internet say? Because they might be speaking the same truth your own brain is trying to say. And you might be spending a shit ton of energy trying to not listen to your own internal doubts…..

I’m there, too.

No advice, just seeing my own issue more clearly and sharing that insight as I read in my own journey.

That place you run from? Go there.

Thank you for your response. I think the fear of judgement comes from two sources:
1. When I initially told my friends their first reaction was 'leave' but I found it hard with a 5 week old newborn at the time and decided to stay put, or at least let my hormones calm down before I made any decisions that would impact my son's entire life. I got a lot of judgement from them as they didn't understand it and they thought I should've grown some balls and so I just stopped speaking to them about it. I had the opposite from my family who wanted me to stay for my baby saying it was still a fresh relationship and it was worth trying to figure things out. It seemed like I couldn't win whatever I did. I retreated and stayed alone with my thoughts for months.

2. Yes I am probably battling with my own thoughts here too. If the situation was different and we didn't have a child I think I would've immediately left considering that we are not married and haven't been together for years and years like others on this forum. I did love him but this whole situation put a lot of distance between us. I think some feelings are still there but I have days of feeling just numb towards him. It's been a real rollercoaster. There hasn't been a day where I've not had at least one thought about what he did. I feel a lot of resentment.

I struggle with understanding why he didn't just go to her, after it all came out there was nothing else to lose so he could've gone and been happy really.

I think he felt guilt because of our son. I don't think he loves me. If he did, why would he do that in the first place? So now I feel like we are both stuck together being unhappy because we have our son, although he denies that and swears that he made a mistake and he loves me. It's like you said though, 90% of what he says is probably BS and I cannot trust him now.

I don't think I have it in me to leave and I'd like my son to have us both, he adores his dad and seeing them together melts my heart. In the long term though, it's probably not going to be good for him seeing us together. It's a really tough position to be in.

It sounds like he is doing everything right to show you that he means it. If he keeps showing up, and keeps showing you love then you did not make a mistake.

You may want to set up strong boundaries now about what is allowable with opposite sex work friends. I would have him read not just friends.