SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone! I've read quite a few stories on this forum and quickly realised that mine is very different. The cheating took place very early on in the relationship and I'm scared of being judged for staying, considering that we are not married and have only been together for less than 2 years. Please be kind, I'm still hurting and we have a 10 month old son together.

I'm a 35 yo female. I got pregnant 3 months into the relationship. The pregnancy wasn't planned, however we both seemed happy, excited and in love at the time. Things just seemed 'right', like they were meant to progress fast, as stupid as it perhaps sounds now. I moved in with him 6 months into the relationship and to be fair I was quite happy and felt safe and looked after throughout my pregnancy. He was reassuring me of his love daily, coming to every appointment and getting the house ready for our baby boy's arrival.

I will make a disclaimer that I do not regret having my son, being his mum is the best thing that's ever happened to me, even though my relationship with his dad is not great now and the events that followed the birth sent me into postpartum depression.

Long story short 5 weeks after I gave birth a woman contacted me via social media with screenshots of her conversations with my partner. Flirty conversations, him moaning about me and telling her he wished he never met me, telling her she was amazing and also some messages suggesting something happened between them physically although it wasn't clear what that was. I was in a complete state of shock. I didn't expect anything like this as I thought we were happy and just excited for our new family. I was stupid as clearly it was one sided.

I confronted him and he told me that she was a work colleague. They texted most days for about 2 months whilst I was pregnant, held hands at work, hugged and apparently kissed only once (I've never had that confirmed by her so I'm not sure if I believe that) and it never progressed to sex. He was always home on his days off from work so I do believe that most of their contact happened at work or via text whilst he was at home with me. I work from home so we spent a lot of time together at home. I did think at the time that he was on his phone a lot but at the same time I told myself that it was probably just in my head that something was off.

His explanation at the time? During an argument about 6-7 months into pregnancy I told him that I only stayed with him because I was pregnant and needed his help. He started doubting the relationship from that moment and apparently questioned whether I ever loved him. He thought I would have the baby and leave. I do remember saying those words to him and I've never denied that, however he did not take my raging hormones into account. I didn't mean it, I felt all sorts of emotions during pregnancy and as he continued acting normal after that argument I didn't see a problem developing. Maybe it's my fault.

This is when the OW confessed her feelings towards him and they started talking. He even got her secret gifts etc. all whilst I was at home pregnant.

We did have a conversation about our relationship about 2 weeks after our son was born. I could feel that something was off and addressed it by asking him if he even wanted to continue being a family or if he would prefer for me and our son to move out (his behaviour shifted and he was very distant at that point). Initially he said he didn't want the relationship to continue, however after having a real heart to heart we both discussed what was bothering us and he said he loved me and we would work things out.

He then went back to work after his paternity leave (5 weeks following birth) and ended the relationship with the OW. This is what prompted her to message me and reveal the affair. She was hurt as he told her he would leave me and then didn't follow through and instead told her nothing would happen between them. She was hoping I would leave him if she messaged me, whilst at the same time sending him hundreds of messages of abuse calling me a 'whore' etc.

Since D-day my DP changed his jobs to not see her again, blocked her number and all her social media, went to therapy and is trying to book days out as a family and do everything for me to start feeling more secure.he even blocked his old work colleagues to not trigger me.

I know this is probably a mess to read. I'm having a worse day today so it's difficult to make sense of things. It's been a few months now and he is a great dad, very hands on and I can see that he's trying but I'm not sure if this is worth saving. Did we ever even have anything to start with?

Thank you for writing and being vulnerable. What he did was horrible and it will be difficult road. But from what you said, it sounds like he has done the right things.

I think based on what you said that he does love you and you have something real.

His stupid fantasy and betrayal based on one thing you said is a horrible excuse. He needs to emotionally mature and learn to to stay committed through the upda and downs.

I really hope he did not have sex with her or do other stuff. It is important to really get the truth for recovery to work.

Thank you, that's a really kind response to my story. I expected more judgement so I really do appreciate you reading it and responding the way you did ❤️

After 13 years of dealing with a wayward spouse that didn’t do adequate work to fix things, I’ve learned some things.

I’ve learned that 90% of what he said was absolute bullshit. And the other 10% was still crappy because he lacked insight.

I learned that I avoided the truth each time I said his affair was different than others. Each time I said, "at least he didn’t do…. (Insert thing here)." It was all avoiding the pain of what he did do. It was all instead of saying, "What he did was terrible. Period."

I also learned - Whenever I have felt judged for something I posted on this site, it’s because I was avoiding the truth I wanted to deny.

Just a heads up.

You don’t need to excuse any behavior or justify anything here. But your fear of being judged is very familiar to me.

You should listen to that, explore it more.
Why does it upset you what random strangers on the internet say? Because they might be speaking the same truth your own brain is trying to say. And you might be spending a shit ton of energy trying to not listen to your own internal doubts…..

I’m there, too.

No advice, just seeing my own issue more clearly and sharing that insight as I read in my own journey.

That place you run from? Go there.

Thank you for your response. I think the fear of judgement comes from two sources:
1. When I initially told my friends their first reaction was 'leave' but I found it hard with a 5 week old newborn at the time and decided to stay put, or at least let my hormones calm down before I made any decisions that would impact my son's entire life. I got a lot of judgement from them as they didn't understand it and they thought I should've grown some balls and so I just stopped speaking to them about it. I had the opposite from my family who wanted me to stay for my baby saying it was still a fresh relationship and it was worth trying to figure things out. It seemed like I couldn't win whatever I did. I retreated and stayed alone with my thoughts for months.

2. Yes I am probably battling with my own thoughts here too. If the situation was different and we didn't have a child I think I would've immediately left considering that we are not married and haven't been together for years and years like others on this forum. I did love him but this whole situation put a lot of distance between us. I think some feelings are still there but I have days of feeling just numb towards him. It's been a real rollercoaster. There hasn't been a day where I've not had at least one thought about what he did. I feel a lot of resentment.

I struggle with understanding why he didn't just go to her, after it all came out there was nothing else to lose so he could've gone and been happy really.

I think he felt guilt because of our son. I don't think he loves me. If he did, why would he do that in the first place? So now I feel like we are both stuck together being unhappy because we have our son, although he denies that and swears that he made a mistake and he loves me. It's like you said though, 90% of what he says is probably BS and I cannot trust him now.

I don't think I have it in me to leave and I'd like my son to have us both, he adores his dad and seeing them together melts my heart. In the long term though, it's probably not going to be good for him seeing us together. It's a really tough position to be in.

It sounds like he is doing everything right to show you that he means it. If he keeps showing up, and keeps showing you love then you did not make a mistake.

You may want to set up strong boundaries now about what is allowable with opposite sex work friends. I would have him read not just friends.

During an argument about 6-7 months into pregnancy I told him that I only stayed with him because I was pregnant and needed his help. He started doubting the relationship from that moment and apparently questioned whether I ever loved him. He thought I would have the baby and leave. I do remember saying those words to him and I've never denied that, however he did not take my raging hormones into account. I didn't mean it, I felt all sorts of emotions during pregnancy and as he continued acting normal after that argument I didn't see a problem developing. Maybe it's my fault.

Do you remember the argument and why you said that you were only staying with him because you were pregnant?

I can't help but wonder if you were noticing serious red flags or other unsettling behaviors that you forced yourself to minimize as mere reactions to "pregnancy hormones."

Regardless of who was right or wrong in this situation, it's very telling of his character that during the first major bout of turbulence in your relationship, his reaction was to hook up with another woman and prepare a soft landing for himself rather than working through your troubles as a couple, if only for the sake of his child.

Since D-day my DP changed his jobs to not see her again, blocked her number and all her social media, went to therapy and is trying to book days out as a family and do everything for me to start feeling more secure.he even blocked his old work colleagues to not trigger me.

While it's great that he did all these things, I suspect that he may not have had much of a choice. If people in the office knew that he was cheating on his pregnant girlfriend and/or OW told them about it, it's very likely his professional reputation at that company was already in the gutter. Further, considering that OW turned out to be vindictive bunny boiler, she probably would've tried to retaliate against him at work even if he wanted to stay there.

While I think it's noble and self-sacrificing on your part that you want to give this relationship a chance for the sake of your child, the fact is, you simply don't know this man as well as you thought you did. The little you know now doesn't bode well. With that in mind, you need to protect yourself and your child from the serious risks you're facing by remaining with him.

So here's my advice:

(1) Get tested for STDs regularly. Even if he said there was no sex, it's not worth staking your health (now or in the future) on the word of a liar. You also know from experience that he's not diligent about using protection. This is not judgement of you, just a statement of fact.

(2) Keep your credit and your finances separate, and don't purchase major assets with him. A person that you can't trust not to sleep with someone else can't be trusted with your financial future, either. You don't want to find yourself on the hook for debts that he's run up or give him the ability to squander your money.

(3) I don't know what the laws are in your jurisdiction, but I would speak to a lawyer/solicitor and, if possible, get a custody and/or child support agreement in place now, even if you're still together. It's much easier to try to enforce agreements that are already in place then to have to scramble to get them together after the relationship ends. Also, if he gets someone else pregnant, you want to make sure that your child is provided for first.

When a "novice" is confronted with a situation that is new, they have no knowledge of how to deal with - "whatever" - and so it is when a male aka father has to deal with a pregnant woman and a child especially during the later gestation period and birth and for many months afterward.

Guys can't go to Amazon or local library for a "how-to" book. So? Most of us, at best muddle through the new situation. But, some just bollix up the process as if they totally lack any idea of what to do.

What a women experiences and endures during and through a childbirth has no reference to the male mind.

All of "us" (I'm a male/fyi) generally muff up during the process.

Try and factor in some consideration for "male ignorance/stupidity" wrt what you are going through.

That is not an excuse for cheating - ever.

I hope your relationship improves or endures the stressful path on which you have to trod.

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 11:27 PM, Monday, December 29th]

Hippo, I know you said you weren’t making an excuse for the OP’s partner, but no, I don’t think she should have to take into account that he’s just a guy who screwed up and that all/most men don’t know how to handle it when their partner gets pregnant.

Men have become fathers for as long as women have been mothers and while first-time parents have a steep learning curve, they’re not bumbling idiots that have to be told that they need to be loving, supportive, and protective of their pregnant partners.

Thank you @BluerThanBlue

You've given me lots of good advice there. I did an STI test as soon as I found out about the affair, it was negative but I should definitely repeat it.

We have been planning to buy a family home as our current house is too small for us all now. I was thinking of asking a solicitor to draft a Declaration of Trust if we do to protect my share of the deposit and outline how the money would be split between us if we were to separate and sell the house in the future. We are not married so this would be legally binding. Weirdly this would protect me and my son more than a prenup if we were to get married as prenups are not legally binding in England (they only get 'considered' by the courts during a divorce but whatever the judge decides is 'fair' goes instead). For that reason I wouldn't be too worried about buying a house with him, I would just not want to get married to him as that would put me in a worse financial position (50/50 split most likely).

Regarding child arrangements, again it's a bit of a weird one in England. A court can make an order, but only if it's for a good reason so I suspect an application wouldn't be considered unless we did in fact split up already and had evidence that mediation didn't work to come up to an informal agreement. Courts in general prefer informal agreements but they are of course not enforceable. I can ask him to sign a plan in advance but then I'd have to trust him to follow it anyway. Only if he didn't follow it I could then ask the court to help me if that makes sense.

There is also no way of ensuring that my child would be provided for first. If he had other children they would all be considered within child maintenance payments and they would become lower for my child based on how many children he had and what his income would allow him to contribute.

It's tricky as that could always change of course.

I've considered all of that in my decision to stay. I think my son would be better off if we managed to work it out and stay together. Buy a property and protect him by giving me a bigger share (I have more deposit money as was gifted by family and so I intend on keeping it in the family), get life, property and income insurance so if God forbid something happens to me my child has money no matter what and simply not get married. I'll ask the solicitor if they can write something into the declaration of trust about me and my son having an automatic right to stay in the property should my DP try to leave us (as in he would need to leave in case of a split if that makes sense).

This is very useful advice, I need to be practical. Love is not be all end all, I need to put my son's future first. Thank you.

@Hippo16 funnily enough women can't just go on Amazon and find an instruction manual to pregnancy and becoming a mum for the first time either! There are of course books related to those subjects but nothing prepares you for the hormonal changes, emotional rollercoasters and everything else that comes with it. It's new for both mums and dads but I do agree that I think I adjusted much quicker as a woman than he did. It's not necessarily a 'man' thing though, it might just be him 🤣.

Having said that, I have considered how the pregnancy etc. has affected him. Everything happened extremely fast for us. He went from being single and living alone for a few years to living with a pregnant partner within a space of a few months. It takes some couples years of dating to get to this stage.

Whilst I adjusted well to those changes he obviously didn't and that's fine, I just wish he communicated that instead of complicating matters even more by involving a third party in all of this.

I think it was escapism as he got slapped with a lot of responsibility really fast and things between us became more mundane rather than romantic like it was when we were living separately and dating. He said himself that as he's never been in this situation before (never lived with a woman before) he was in shock as to how quickly the dynamics shifted between us and he saw it as me not loving him anymore. I can imagine at the same time OW was love bombing him and he was probably comparing and as I wasn't doing that in his eyes 'i didn't love him' and she did? I don't know.

It's very childish to me but I have been in long term relationships before and lived with someone for 7 years so all of this was very normal to me. Plus I was more focused on my pregnancy than hin at the time so maybe I missed something important.

Bottom line is that this happened too fast, we didn't know each other well enough as someone suggested above. I agree with that. Question is, however can we get positive feelings back now, can he learn how to deal with conflict and change better and is there enough here to build a foundation for a loving home for our son after such an early betrayal? I want to believe that there is but perhaps I'm being naive again.

Your story of how you met and ended up pregnant is very similar to mine. I met my wife when we were both 27. We had a whirlwind romance and she ended up pregnant within a couple of months of us dating. We got married while she was still 6 months pregnant, tho nobody could tell. She never got really big until the last month or so.

It is a pretty reckless way to start a relationship, but here we are, 27 years later and we're still married. Unfortunately my wife had a very short lived affair about 8½ months ago, but we've both decided to stay together and work it out. 28 years is a lot to throw away, and she's one of the rare ones that has shown a great deal of remorse and has done everything I've asked of her. If it weren't for our history and her attitude and actions we probably wouldn't have survived this.

I can really relate to your situation, tho obviously I'm not a woman, and my wife didn't have her affair unti 26 years into our marriage. That part is quite different, and hers was a full blown physical affair. Needless to say, I was devastated. Tho we had fallen into a rut and there were issues between us, so it wasn't like we had a great marriage and we had some things to work on, which we have. I now feel like we have the marriage we should have always had. The pain of what happened still hits me hard some days, but her actions and attitude are going a long way toward our healing. There's no doubt in my mind that I still love her very deeply and I'm convinced it's reciprocated. I'm also convinced we're going to make it through this.

So while our relationship was rushed in the beginning and we kind of jumped into things, it's lasted. Not only lasted, but survived one of the most devastating blows a marriage can suffer. For us our son is grown and out of the house, so child care wasn't a complicating issue for consideration. We're still together because we love each other and want it to work. We love and appreciate each other more now than we ever have.

My point is, even if you jumped in a little too quickly and recklessly, and your BF emotionally betrayed you, it can still work. In my case we had a very lengthy and extensive history to draw from, and despite being completely blindsided I do still know my wife very well. I will know if something is off again. I caught on very quickly when she started the physical part of her affair.

This is not necessarily an endorsement for you to stay and stick it out. Just a data point for you should you decide to try and to let you know it is possible. However, you haven't been together for very long, and I'm guessing still learning things about each other. My advice would be to not make any hasty permanent decisions one way or the other at this point. So far it appears he's doing and saying all of the right things. The question is, will he continue to do so? Nobody knows. Your BF bears close watching right now, and that in itself can be taxing and to some folks just not worth it. Pay attention to what he does, not what he says. Actions speak louder than words, and cheaters do lie. It comes with the territory, tho some can change. My wife did.

Another consideration is, are you willing to stay in this relationship after what's happened? Things may not have w
gotten physical between your BF and his AP, but an emotional betrayal can still be very devastating. You need to figure out if you can get over that. Some folks just aren't cut out for reconciliation. That's not a judgement one way or the other. There isn't a right or wrong answer here, but it's better to just cut your losses and get out early if you're one of those people who can't get past the betrayal as opposed to dragging it out for a few years only to discover you can't tolerate it. There isn't a right or wrong choice here in general so much as it is what's right for you. Either way you go would be perfectly understandable.

It looks like you're getting your ducks in a row and taking steps to protect yourself and your child. That's great. A lot of folks in your shoes find themselves frozen with indecision and inaction. You don't want to stagnate in limbo forever, so it's good that you're taking action and being proactive. You deserve a lot of credit for having that level of strength and foresight. Good on you.

Don't worry about being judged. Most of us are on your side no matter which way you choose to go. If you decide to stay and make it work, you'll get advice tailored toward reconciliation. If you decide you just can't get past it, you'll get advice on how to separate and move forward from there. The decision is really ultimately yours to make. My goal is to get you out of infidelity one way or the other. Whether that means reconciliation or divorce. In the end we all just want what's best for you.

You drive the bus tho, and that goes for how you work it out between you and your BF. The betrayed partner dictates how reconciliation is going to work. This is on your time frame. Don't let him rush you or tell you things like "It's been X number of months. You need to get over this." Nuh-uh. You take all the time you need. Reconciliation is a gift he doesn't deserve and he needs to be very grateful if you decide to give it to him. Don't accept anything less than 100% committment, 100% radical honesty, and 100% effort toward making this work.

So sorry you've found us. This is a club that no one wants to join, but it's a good group with a lot of collective wisdom when it comes to this subject. Keep posting, ask questions if you have them, and use us to vent if you need it. There's no issue too small or ridiculous when it comes to this. We know, we've been through it. We understand. Infidelity is a lot more traumatic than most folks realize. Me included until it was thrust into my lap. You just don't get it until you go through it. You will get through this. It will get better one way or the other. If you decide to reconcile, it's a long, bumpy road, but completely doable. Just keep your guard up and watch for red flags.

Do not buy a house together. It is a mistake at this time. It’s just one more issue should you decide to leave him.

While all signs appear positive there is a chance his efforts to reconcile could stop in a few months. Some cheaters are just not committed to the relationship or marriage and after a short time they just revert back to their old ways.

It takes time for the cheaters to to prove themselves and that they have changed.

Now that you have a child, I’m going to suggest you should have your own bank account w/ your own $ that the partner doesn’t have access to.

Just in case. Because you never know.

@The1stWife oh absolutely. I have my own income, a full-time job and we have separate accounts. Each of us has their own savings and he has no access to my money. We just discuss spending each month and transfer each other what's needed for childcare, bills, essentials etc. I definitely wouldn't give him any control of all money, even if we bought a house together as you are right, I always need my independence in case. Buying a house right this very second would be a no go, it's always been more of a long term plan. It's only been about 9 months since D-day so still very early days. I definitely need more time, you are right.

@Pogre thank you for your kind response, I really appreciate it and the similarities you were able to point out between our relationships perhaps gave me a little bit of hope that we can work through this somehow.

I do have so many questions for you all. One of them being: how long do I need to watch out for red flags? Will I ever become less vigilant? will I trust him ever again or will this continue for years on end? Right now I really don't know whether I can endure this kind of a life. I have better days when I don't think about it as much and I can see the positives, but there aren't many of those days so maybe I should just give up?

I'm at 8½ months from d day and the good days are outweighing the bad days. My wife is wired a little differently from most people. She's had epilepsy her entire life. She's not handicapped at all, but she does have some cognitive blindspots and operates on a slightly different wavelength. When she goes all in on something she obsessively gives her 100% on it. She's all in on salvaging the marriage and has done a stellar job of making me feel like I'm still her #1. Like your husband, she cut all contact with her AP, blocked him on everything, switched her work location, and has wished death on him, lol.

It's hard to say for you right now. You're barely out of your honeymoon phase and likely still learning about each other. In my case we have quite a long history and have been through a lot together. Despite being blindsided by the affair, I still know her very well.

I think infidelity that early into a relationship is not a great sign (when is it ever tho, really?), but it never crossed into a full blown physical affair (that you know of). His actions afterward are very positive, tho. How does he make you feel? Are you his #1? Is he still physically attracted to you? Does he let you know? After 28 years together my wife and I have multiple daily affirmations through words, texts, and physical contact. She's been doing a great job of making me feel attractive, wanted, needed, and desired. I of course return the favor. Our intimacy has gone off the charts and it's been amazing.

We do everything together now, so she really wouldn't have the time to squeeze in an affair even if she wanted to. We're each other's favorite person to be around so it's not gotten old or annoying. I haven't completely let my guard down, but I'm no longer hyper vigilant. Tho I don't see that innocent, unquestioning blind trust ever returning, a level of fragile trust has been built back because she has really put in the work to earn it back. I know all of her passcodes, she has location sharing turned on 24/7 for me, and she doesn't huddle in the other room on her phone with the door closed anymore. She's very intentionally an open book and very transparent about everything now. We've also improved communication, which to be fair, it could only improve because it was almost nonexistent for most of our marriage.

It's going to be different from person to person. Your level of tolerance plays a big part. For some people infidelity is just simply a dealbreaker and cannot be forgiven. There's nothing wrong with that. It is what it is. There's also nothing wrong with staying together and working it out. Some people are capable of that, and it can work.

Does he get edgy or defensive if you want to look at his social media, messaging apps, or text messages? Does he make a big deal out of "his privacy?" Is he being radically honest and transparent? Do you have his passcodes and open access to his devices? Does he let you know his whereabouts at all times? How does he make you feel? Do you feel loved and desired?

This stuff takes time. The general rule of thumb for recovering from infidelity is 2 to 5 years. It's a traumatic event, and PTSD isn't uncommon for a betrayed partner. This doesn't mean 2 to 5 years of hell and torture, but it takes time for that trust to be rebuilt and you truly begin to feel safe again.

How long do I need to watch out for red flags? Will I ever become less vigilant? will I trust him ever again or will this continue for years on end?

Hello JSW, Im sorry to hear your going through this.

Ive been working on reconciliation with my wife for over a year after a 2 year affair and many other awful things that happened. In my opinion, you will always need to keep your eyes open for red flags. That doesnt mean you have to be hypervigilent every second of every day. But it does mean that you will not go back to the way things were previously.

Trust can be rebuilt, but it takes alot of effort on his part and yours. Full honesty and transparency, true remorse and him showing you consistently through his actions that he is now trustworthy. Trust will never be the same, but it can rebuild to a new type of trust through consistent action. But even a year and a half later, I still struggle with this myself. But true rebuilding can only happen once the WH is completely honest, transparent and shows true remorse consistently.

After reading through your post, some red flags definitely appear that leads me to believe this was more than he is telling you.

First, let's look at the AP contacting you. Why would someone contact you over just some messages exchanged between them? Even if it was flirty. This would typically happen if she had truly developed feelings for him. Which is usually a sign of a physical relationship. Not always, but usually.

Second, he bought her gifts. Thats typically not the first step either. Usually an emotional and physical relationship would develop and then gift giving in my experience.

Third, he basically blamed you for this happening in the first place. That your comments while you were fully pregnant caused him to do this. Thats not taking responsibility or showing true remorse.

Fourth, He was bashing you behind your back to her. This is common behaviour when infidelity is present. The same thing happened to me.

If I was you, I would be focused on uncovering the full truth. It doesnt mean you need every detail, but the full scope of what happened.

It seems the AP is willing to talk to you. Maybe you could have a conversation with them, it doesnt mean they won't hold back to protect themselves either, but you may be able to see if it was a physical relationship.

Another option is a polygraph. You could schedule one and see if they try to get out of it before the day it happens. Those actions speak volumes.

Only once he is fully honest, transparent, remorseful and doesnt blame you is there a chance for recovery here. If not, you might be better off to split. It doesnt mean you both won't play significant roles in your child's life, it just means you'd do it separately.

Overall, how you handle this is completely up to you. Those are just my 2 cents.

I wish you the best of luck!

Hi @TheBetrayedHusband, thank you for your reply, I'm going to try and respond to some of the things you said. Not to justify him but to explain what I know of what happened between them a little bit more. In my original post I described what I saw in the original messages the AP sent me when she revealed the affair. They were flirty messages but she only sent me a few examples. I should've been clearer that there was definitely more which he confirmed to me himself, so did she (I did speak to her via messages and email) and he also let me read through some that were left on his phone. They definitely had at least an emotional connection which went on for a good couple of months. There was texting, walks during breaks at work where they held hands and hugged and they kissed at least once (I don't believe it was once but she didn't tell me otherwise either and he's adamant that they only did that once every time I ask). They spent a lot of time alone in an office together as well talking so he was having daily deep conversations with her and crossed some physical boundaries although he is adamant there was no sex (not like it makes a difference in this scenario to be fair, it's bad either way).

.After reading through your post, some red flags definitely appear that leads me to believe this was more than he is telling you.

First, let's look at the AP contacting you. Why would someone contact you over just some messages exchanged between them? Even if it was flirty. This would typically happen if she had truly developed feelings for him. Which is usually a sign of a physical relationship. Not always, but usually.

Second, he bought her gifts. Thats typically not the first step either. Usually an emotional and physical relationship would develop and then gift giving in my experience.

Third, he basically blamed you for this happening in the first place. That your comments while you were fully pregnant caused him to do this. Thats not taking responsibility or showing true remorse.

Fourth, He was bashing you behind your back to her. This is common behaviour when infidelity is present. The same thing happened to me.

1. She definitely had very strong feelings for him. She confessed her love to him in messages (I saw this with my own eyes) but he didn't say it back at the time. I asked her (via email) if he ever said he loved her and she said no. She called herself 'delusional' (she went through a phase of apologising to me towards the end of our communication). She told me he told her he wasn't happy with me and that he would leave me but she also confirmed that he never specifically said that he would leave for her or to be with her, just that he would in general. She took it as a promise to her. When I questioned him, he told me that yes he thought I was only with him due to pregnancy and thought I didn't love him so he wasn't happy and told her that. So he did own up to the chatting crap about me part. She confirmed to me that he's never taken her out or saw her outside of work but she was telling herself that he would once I was out of the picture.
2. Yes gift was bought I believe due to their connection. He definitely cared about her even though he says he didn't love her.
3. Yep he did blame me initially. Now after reflecting he says he doesn't know what clouded his judgement and why he didn't see that I did love him and that we had a good thing going.
4. Yes, very common. He used the script on her 'boohoo I'm so unhappy and going to leave'. He said he said some things to her to 'keep her chatting' so he did admit to wanting her to be on a string but he can't tell me why. I think he wanted a soft landing in case we did split up.

JustSomeWoman

Wow, this relationship has been tested very early on. My relationship ( marriage) had it's seismic shift 25 years in. You will get no judgement from me because I have survived infidelity that lasted almost a third of our marriage and I have been judged on here as an admirable man and indirectly labeled a foolish man as well. Your man seems to be making an honest effort to keep this new family intact. Take this process slow and don't rush into anything that could impede this progress. Learn from your mistakes and bad choices and set boundaries and have regular open and honest communication. I want to stress the importance of open and honest communication throughout this relationship from here on out. Don't hold back your feelings and concerns as they will fester and change you over time. I speak from experience on this because this is what happened in my marriage. We both got caught up in life with work and kids that we both failed at nurturing and maintaining our relationship. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your young family.

Lost1313

Thank you Lost. I appreciate every response, bit of advice or a different perspective. Having been able to open up here has been quite therapeutic in itself. I didn't know that there were so many of us trying to reconcile before I found this place. The usual responses to cheating I've seen over the years from people were that they would never forgive or even try to move past it so this is very validating (even though I still want to leave sometimes and other times I don't).

My W & I have been together 60 years. My/her d-day was 15 years, one week, and one day ago (actually it was 8 AM, so a little more than one day.) I usually post some thoughts on anniversaries, but a case of flu prevented that this year.

If, when she was pregnant, she had said she was with me only to get my help, maybe I'd have stopped everything and forced some sort of resolution, but more likely, I'd have done something very messed up. I don't see how a person can hear that without being very hurt. I still remember knowing full well at a thinking level that our son needed my W and didn't need me, but being so confused at a feeling level.

OTOH, an A just increases the difficulty of resolving issues by a few orders of magnitude.

Yes, you can R if you both do what you need to do. An infant will slow down healing, because both healing and infants take a lot of energy and time, but then infants bring some rewards with them as well as burdens.

IMO, a WS needs to become honest and take full responsibility for changing from cheater to good partner. You both will need to raise and resolve issues as they arise even when you're hurting; otherwise they fester.

You'll both have to figure out what issue you've trying to resolve before you act.

Your partner seems to be doing the right things. You seem to be doing the right things. So I think you've got options.

My reco is to start by figuring out what you want. If you decide you want to dump your partner, that's relatively easy. If you want to stay together, then you can start the work of defining your relationship and how you'll create it, etc., etc., etc.

I think your friends are wrong. Your partner cheated for his own reasons, not because of your comment. He failed. You didn't. If you dump him now, you may be doing yourself a disservice.

Your family is also wrong, IMO. If dumping your partner is best for you, I think we'd all say, 'Dump him.'. But you don't know what's best for you yet.

A lot of anger, grief, fear, and shame comes with being betrayed. A lot of exhaustion comes with an infant. (It'll get better soon - 20 years go by in a flash.) If you can, a good therapist can help you process the feelings out of your body.

Have some faith in yourself to heal. Have some faith that you do not need to act fast, as far as you've said. Take the time you need.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:14 PM, Tuesday, December 30th]