SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, this post is more a commentary on me than on counselors or counseling. I get that.

I have had brief counseling a few times in my life. Short term efforts to save a previous marriage. Issues/worries with kids. And of course, that which we shall not speak of here. None of which were particularly helpful. Frankly, more like frustrating.

And now, I am in counseling…"grief counseling". For about 6 months now.

I like this counselor. I appreciate his kindness and knowledge. Much of our time together is spent discussing certain truths about emotions / behaviors regarding human behaviors and difficulties that people have. It’s a little bit more like a college psychology course than what I have in my mind "counseling" should be like. I think this is 95% my responsibility. I think he follows my lead. I very much like to understand things intellectually, and I have shied away from hurtful things. A novel approach to grief counseling, wouldn’t you say? 🙄

I have very recently experienced the onset of an ongoing and extremely emotionally hurtful situation in my life, and I have found myself thinking that I was anxious to get back to speak with my counselor about it. Only tonight, pacing the floor and stressing myself out, it has it dawned on me that NO ONE is able to help me. AND BY "HELP", I MEAN SHOW / TELL ME HOW TO "FIX" THE SITUATION.

I am almost certain that for you all, this will seem like a… "WELL, DUH"… situation. But at age 72, it has hit me like a ton of bricks that no amount of counseling or any kind of help provided by anyone – no matter how well meaning – is going to change anything.

THE ONLY THING IT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE ABLE TO CHANGE IS MY "PERCEPTION" OR "HOW I FEEL" ABOUT WHATEVER ISSUES I’M GOING THROUGH.

As immature as this sounds, this is HIGHLY upsetting to me. It makes me rethink counseling. Now my train of thought is more like "there’s nothing he can do about the situation to change it...so why go?" All that he will be able to do is to perhaps help me understand and accept it. But that is so unacceptable to me. I have a current situation with my granddaughter, and I’m not interested so much in my feelings about the situation… But of answers on how to… If not "fix" it, at least soften it or make it better.

I don’t know how to accept this. I don’t know if I have even made anything clear, but I am wondering if anyone can explain this to me. Or is the only answer going to be… "Nobody can "fix" anything… or "talk to your counselor about it"? (Cue, repeat of my situation.)

BTW… sorry for the buzz kill! I realize that usually posts on this forum are lighthearted and many times fun.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:46 AM, Friday, January 2nd]

… and I have also just realized that in posting this, I am asking you all to "fix" a situation —- in a post about how people cannot "fix" other people‘s issues.

Jesus.

You’re right. I go when I have a hard time finding a way to accept things. Mine has said some very concrete ways to cope with things.

I’m a physician- OB, so she has helped me break things down to a timeline. Like pregnancy. It will end. The suffering will end, but it will feel like it goes on forever.

That truth was helpful. But yeah. It doesn’t fix the shit happening. They just help you use all of your coping skills and remind you of what they are when you spiral.

I only go when I need help coping, or legit don’t understand something and can’t see my way out.

Yeah, just to validate your experience- no one can fix shit. Even you sometimes, unless it is shit you’re tolerating and need to not tolerate. Or shit originating from you. They can just help you get good boots to wear as you walk through the shit and remind you that it’s only shit and it will wash off. And you’ll prolly have to walk through more shit in your life, it’s not a one time thing.

Maybe that’s helpful. Or maybe not.

And sometimes you take a break to grow, too. All valid things.

It sounds like you’re using rationalization as a coping skill (understanding something better to cope with it). That’s my super power. But it does make therapy less emotionally helpful. Maybe tap into the emotion if you want. Or not. Right now maybe rationalizing is keeping you afloat. And when you’re rational, you’re going to see things rationally. And yeah, no one can fix things for you. That’s really fucking a rational thought.

What about the irrational thoughts? Those are little extra turds in the shit storm. Go there.