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I found out my partner of 9 years had an affair two months ago. I don't want to go into too many details, but I found out by simply walking by his computer and seeing an open chat log with the other person. I immediately confronted him and he admitted it had been going on for a month. He cut contact with her at my request and we got into couple's therapy shortly after.

Things have been up and down since then. He has apologized hundreds of times. Despite his gruelingly long work days, he's spent several sleepless nights comforting me for hours as I cry and scream. He's planned dates, bought me so many gifts and surprises, and listens patiently to me when I tell him how I feel, even if I'm not kind in my delivery. He respects my rage and my sadness. He earnestly studies and applies what our therapist has been teaching us to his actions and words. We still have fun, beautiful moments. And yet, the pain remains unbearable at times. I know it's still early into our reconciliation. I know I have trauma that can take years to heal from. It's just so hard and confusing.

I love him so much. I know he loves me. Even during the affair, he was never cold or inattentive. We always greeted each other with excitement, every single day. I felt that he was the person that I was meant to spend my forever with. On many levels, I still feel that way. It is my natural instinct to forgive him, to love him. I still want to run to him when he comes home from work. But when I remember the betrayal, I feel like I become a different person, and it's a person I honestly hate so much. Someone so full of anger and hopelessness, who just wants to destroy everything in their path.

There are so many new triggers. Romance shows used to be one of my favorite ways to pass the time, and now all they do is remind me of the trust and purity I feel I've lost in my relationship. It hurts to not be able to take comfort and enjoyment from them anymore. Going on the social media apps I knew he spoke to her on makes me feel nauseous, and it sucks because all of my friends are on there and I can't happily look at their posts anymore.

On our good days, I wish I could just forget everything and allow myself to fully be happy with him again. It makes me sad that it isn't that easy.

I feel like a creep when I go through his devices (therapist recommended this to encourage rebuilding of transparency) because I never used to do that and I've never even wanted to. I feel like a tyrant for asking him for new boundaries, even though he has responded positively to them every single time and understands why they are necessary for me to feel safe. I don't know how to let go of this weird guilt I have for simply asking for things that will help us heal. I'm working on it with our mutual therapist and I will be starting with a new individual therapist soon as well.

I'm all over the place. I just wanted to get this out somewhere; we haven't told many people in our circle and I often feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel. Thanks to anyone who reads this.

Was this a physical affair, an emotional affair or both?

I’m

Asking because there are different healing paths depending upon the type of affair it was.

There are some things you can do to start the healing process. Individual counseling for each of you is recommended. I’m glad to see you have already started with a therapist.

There is a good book (it’s short) called How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Highly recommended.

There are many good articles and posts here in the Healing Library at Surviving Infidelity.

Please know that the reconciliation process is one that takes years. Unfortunately you cannot hurry it along. I just don’t want you to be surprised when 6 months from now you still don’t feel 100% and still suffer from the betrayal/affair.

Wishing you much success on your path forward— whatever that may be.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:22 AM, Thursday, February 19th]

First off...welcome to the BEST club you never wanted to be in (((HUGS))). This site was a Godsend to me when I was trying to get through all of the "stuff" that was bombarding me in my head. Hopefully you will find a similar feeling too .

What you are going through right now is very normal. There are conflictions going on that maybe make you feel like you have no direction in a path forward. But soon you will find YOUR way. Until then, please take care of your basics...eating and drinking and getting a little exercise if you can. When I say drinking...I don't mean alcohol. It may numb some things for a bit...but in the long run it doesn't do anything to really help you.

Triggers SUCK!! I was determined to beat every one of them DOWN...and felt like a bull in a china shop at times. I came up with a mantra that I was going to OWN this A. There would be NOTHING that would keep me from living and loving MY life!! After I beat a trigger it became easier for me to go after more . After over 12 years of doing this though...I have learned that triggers never really go away...they just become little annoyances that I can now shrug off.

It took me about 3 years after Dday before I felt comfortable enough to take D (divorce) off the table. It took me about 7 years before I felt I was healed. The consensus on here is that it takes about 2-5 years to heal. The GOOD news is that you will heal a little every day, even though it may not seem like it right now.

Having a remorseful and loving partner will help your healing, and it looks like your partner is being that way . No one can do the work FOR you though. Just like when a person gets in a car accident through no fault of their own...and their leg gets broken. In order for their leg to be healed...that person has to do the work...even though there are therapists and others who can help along the way. The healing process looks different for all of us and you WILL find the best path forward .

You have now been strapped into what we call on here an emotional rollercoaster. Hold on tight Dear Lady because this is a doozy of a ride...and not in a good way. You have already felt it by writing how things go up and down. There will be moments of HIGH highs and it is usually followed by very LOW lows. The bad thing about this is that you can't get off of this ride. The good thing about it is that those highs and lows do tend to level out and you will feel like you are on a kiddie ride after a while .

Write on here all you want...rant and rave as needed...we are here to HELP . EACH of us has our own story and we are all in different phases of healing. Some advice you get may be contradictory to other advice...and that is normal as well . Just take what you NEED from here...and leave the rest . We are all rooting for each other and it feels so GOOD to see someone who can move forward and be healed !! Here's to you being HEALED!!

Th1stWife is right - hard work, takes years, etc.

I'm writing to add that you won't always feel as awful as you do now. Most of us experience a terrible few months of feeling worse and worse, followed by a totally unpleasant plateau that is lower than anything you ever imagines, followed by a slow but accelerating improvement in mood.

So it may take years to feel as good as you did pre-d-day, but you will start having periods of feeling good in the not too distant future.

Love is essential for R, but it's not enough. You also have to define what you want in your new relationship, and you have to create that relationship.

You heal you.
Your WS heals themself.
Together you heal your relationship.

Right now you describe a WS who is doing the right things, so R is possible.

Your relationship didn't fail. Your WS did. Usually, couples counseling doesn't work early in recovery, but your CC seems to be addressing the A first, and that's what needed.

If your C starts (or already does) assign some blame for the A to you, be wary. You did not cause your WS to cheat. He cheated because of his own issues.