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Well, I too experienced "situational" infidelity when military/deployed. I still don't think it is a category, only a variable. By making it a category it is as if it excuses it. Well, I was deployed so you can see why I might have been betrayed. Nope, not an excuse, not a category just a variable among many that you might use to rationalize an A and might help you R or possibly hurt your chances, depending.

But it is the nature of categories that some may appeal or be useful to one person and not to others. Still, I think simplicity is often best. Something like this:

One time event?

Longer term affair?

Then combine that with one of these:

Pure EA

Pure PA

EA/PA

Then add in a layer of reaction by WS at D day:

Confessed proactively

Admitted all when confronted

Denial and or gaslighting

Amount of trickle truth and subsequent d days

Time to a remorseful state

Time to taking of accountability for actions/not blaming BS

Amount of effort to heal themselves and their BS

Then variables matter hugely, such as:

Double betrayal?

Bashing of BS to AP or friends and family?

Denial of BS? (Sex or activities done with AP)

Hostility toward BS during A?

Comparisons of BS to AP?

Sexual acts offered AP and not BS?

Sex in home and/or bedroom?

Introducing AP to BS or children?

Saying I love you to AP?

Spending money on AP?

And the list goes on and on.

Edit: so it is kind of 1) affair length 2) EA, PA or both 3)D day reaction by WS and ensuing behavior. Those are the A elements that drive D or R potential, all dependent on the perspective of the BS. On top of those key elements then you add all the many variables that will potentially be a killer of R, a few listed above.

This is kind of the way I see categories plus killer variables. You add up key elements and the answer shows us how hard to R it may be EXCEPT that every BS is different, as stated by others. The last straw for me will be acceptable to someone else and vice versa.

What do you think?

[This message edited by Trdd at 11:44 PM, Friday, February 27th]

Trdd, if you read it the way the therapist presented it, the "Types" are to define how hard is to R on average.

In situational infidelity there is usually:

- Very intense

- Short lived

- No remorse at all from the WS

Those are 3 things that makes it very hard for the WS to genuinely feel they did wrong to the BS.

And that reflects to the BS, because adds to the pain of betrayal the unremorseful "justifications"of the WS.

That's why it's separated, most of those could be one time, short lived or log lived. (except maybe those who are really one off, one time can't be really called "an affair", it is still cheating and betrayal though)

The one that mix emotiona, physical and lack of remorse (or constant relapse, compartmentalization etc) are the hardest because the betraying partner must first of all own the betrayal to understand the wrongdoing and try to make up for it.

If they do not, they excuse it, and there can never be a true R with that premises.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 11:49 PM, Friday, February 27th]

Where did you find this article? book? and who's the author?

Shirley Glass, in the essentially peer-reviewed NOT "Just friends", argues that her experience is that R requires a decision by both partners that they want R and both partners doing the work.

*****

IMO, it's normal to think in terms of probabilities, but probability says nothing about a specific case. No matter how we slice infidelity into categories, we'll see some Rs and some Ds in every category. If that's the case, every BS and WS face uncertainty over the future of their relationship.

IOW and IMO, it comes down to what a person wants. D can happen if only one partner wants it. R requires 2 partners, both committed to building a new M.

*****

On SI, we've seen unremorseful WSes in all of the categories cited by the author of this thread's source. We've seen remorse in all the categories as well. Lack of remorse is a giant red flag no matter what the infidelity itself was - EA, PA, or mixed.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:48 PM, Saturday, February 28th]

It's a new york therapist with a channel dedicated to relational shock, infidelity and reconciliation, she treats both the BS and WS sides of the couple (however without shifting the blame where it does belong).

All betrayals can go either way, but different types carry different psychological wounds for the BS and different weight for the WS.

Some described there the WS usually does not really feel guilty, so R tends to be more unlikely (true R, not fake ones).

Odds are that if both partners are not fully committed or owning it, the relationship will fail.