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Okay so I think I hit the bottom of the abyss and I’m now back at the surface. I am still bobbing around and my mood fluctuates but I’m the happiest I’ve been in years.

I know for sure now that my low quality husband is grubbing about online for sexual gratification and ego boosts. And I care not one bit. I rolled my eyes and cringed. All it’s done is made me realise that he’s got something wrong inside of him.

I have not said anything. I don’t need to. It’s irrelevant to me.

Maybe the fact I didn’t say anything is why I’m happy. Maybe it’s because I know I don’t care. Maybe it’s because I am 100% sure this is a him issue not a me issue. Maybe it’s because I have so many people in my life and he is now a small part of it. Maybe it’s because I know I can rely on me and he will never put me in the place I was before.

He has cemented the fact he is a mess, needing ego boosts and external validation. Not having integrity, honesty or commitment as true values.

Whereas I, although not perfect, am real.

I was told many years ago by someone who mentored me that I was ‘a proper person’. I was very young and didn’t really get it - now I do. I am real and proper and I like me. Could I improve, yep absolutely, but am I decent - yes I am.

So to those in a bad place today - Live by your values, widen your circle, find joy in small things. Write down in here if you have no one in real life. You will get through it.

You are healed 100%!

I remember getting to that place (although my H is no longer the lying cheating jerk he was during his affair). I realized I am responsible for my own happiness. And I feel that I am living my best life these past few years.

I feel badly your H is still a liar and cheater. He doesn’t get it.

But I’m certainly glad you do. As the song goes, he’s looking for love in all the wrong places. Probably because he just doesn’t like himself.

Thank you for replying.

He no doubts justifies it because ‘I don’t love him anyway so what’s the point’.

The point is you do it to prove you are a decent human being. To prove to yourself that you mean what you say. That you do have values. That you did the right thing for your family.

It was never about me. It was him and luckily I grasped that very early on.

Am I healed? Not totally. I still have bad times and sad thoughts. But it was 99.9% negative at the beginning. Now it’s over 95% okay/level at least. It’s been bloody hard. Really bloody hard.

But I am putting me first now. I’m undecided on the path forward. Do I divorce? I have no desire to have low quality third parties involved with the kids. I know he could pull the plug any day - but I’ll cross that bridge if it occurs. Or if my patience runs out. I wouldn’t bring another man into their lives - I’ve realised how many people have a secret basement and it’s not worth the risk. If a child’s father lets them down by cheating and causing pisd in their mother and still begs online for validation then I won’t be bringing any other partners into their childhood.

That lack of trust does suggest I’m not fully healed but it’s something I’m happy to live with.

Indifference is such a great place to arrive at. I hope you do soften your stance on letting love/partner in your life, but not because I believe you need to be with another person— just to be open to whatever life might provide you. But it’s still early days, so as you continue to heal, that may change.

So nice to see a strong 💪 badass BS taking the drivers seat for their own healing and getting there. Thanks for sharing and I wish continued healing and happy days.

I think you've been in the Abyss, which is probably one's own worst fears about oneself, and made friends with it. You may be in shock.

The shock will wear off, and you'll realize you really have made a friend of the Abyss, and you're immensely better off for doing so. At least that's my prediction, from my own experience.

IMO, we're all strong enough to face the Abyss, but most of us don't realize that until we're forced to face it, .

I think getting to know our abyss is Enlightenment, or at least akin to it.

Thanks BearlyBreathing, I am in a far better place. I feel calmer and happier. I’ll take both and be greatful. It’s been nearly 4 years plus the predictable weirdness of a cheating spouse for a few months prior.

I am totally bored of it all tbh, I have been for a while.

I worked a lot on improving relationships in my life. I’m very sociable but felt there was no one I could just call if I was in a fix. I’m not in a perfect place but it’s far better. I’d like a bestie and I’m sure someone out there would want me as their bestie I just need to find them 😁. Luckily I’m confident and find small talk easy. If you put me anywhere I’ll chat to people. But I’m adaptable to conversations and I am genuine but maybe I seem too independent and okay. Lacking vulnerability maybe. I’ll ponder it.

Sisoon, shock of finding out? No I’ve known for a fair few days maybe 2 / 3 weeks - I don’t try and remember dates as I don’t want to taint the future with bad memories of a specific day.

I didn’t post here or tell anyone as I wanted to think and watch my reaction without any external input. Historically I’d have confronted him immediately but I didn’t. I haven’t said a word.

I had a few butterflies that day. I had stomach ache the next day - anxiety maybe - but that was it. No shock. No anger. No real sadness. Bizarrely I think I felt relief.

Relief I could trust myself maybe. Relief that I don’t have to wonder if he’s worthy of reconciliation? Relief that it’s clear this is him forever?

To watch a spouse fall apart and continue such nonsense is the sign of a broken person. I know he has a serious issue inside of him and he won’t fix it. He says he is sick of reading and sick of counselling (he used his counsellor to trash talk me and get smoke up his arse - I saw written communication between them - it was odd). He has healthy outlets now but he’s kidding himself. Proving the first person we lie to is our self. His issues are low self esteem, historic poor body image, avoids conflict and perfectionism. Getting attention - positive or negative - stems from his childhood. But it’s not my problem to solve.

So no I am sure there is no shock. Relief but no shock.

The abyss. I regularly see 4am as I am an early riser. I no longer jolt awake. I no longer have bad dreams about him. If he walked out tomorrow I’d shrug and get on with it - I may cry but I wouldn’t be heartbroken. I’ve already grieved.

Loss was my abyss. I’m adopted. He’s the only person other than my parents and grandparents and siblings that I have formed a true bond to. Maybe it was too much. I dated a fair bit and had relationships but not like this and I promised myself I’d treat him well and I know I’d have loved him to the end of time. I would have cried writing that a while back, now my nose tingles a bit but no tears. The bond I had with him was immense, once in a lifetime possibly. I really loved him. He broke my heart.

He has realised I’m closing down further. He asked for hugs last night, something he asks for most days. He said he loves it when I do x or y. I felt nothing. I’m bored of him I think. It’s not fun. He was fun. Now he’s not. Combine that with not trustworthy, not honest, lacking in integrity then what is he? A man who grubs about online to fill the black hole inside him? What a great catch. He hopes we can muddle along ‘for the children’.

My only confusion lies in why the hell will he accept this when previously I was the worst person on earth and didn’t meet his needs. I can only assume I met 80% of them and he felt he deserved the other 20% being met because he’s a ‘good guy’ who ‘makes sacrifices and cooks dinner and goes to work and is tidier than his wife’. Or maybe he prefers this pattern of a relationship.

But no I’m not in shock. I’m unsurprised, I feel a bit icky at his loserieness (made up word that perfectly sums up how I feel). I thought he was cool and fun and hot but really he’s a basement dwelling sleaze. It’s neither fun nor sexy. He’s cheap and no woman in her right mind would find his behaviour attractive. It makes me cringe. I see him for the loathsome sleazey creature he is. I think Gottman would call that aspect contempt. But I have come to this feeling approx 3 years ago. I’ve chewed it, wallowed in it, digested it, mulled it over, tried to push it away. And now i occasionally think it’s funny. That’s evolution I can handle!

This is sad for him in a few ways. Contempt - sorry Gottman. I think he’s going to realise I’m done and I really do think I am totally done. I look at him with pity, he could have been a good husband. He could be the man he so wants to see himself as. But he’s not. He just lies to himself.

He would say I’m so sad and closed with him, that I need to hug him more and kiss him. But it’s fake. Hes a cheat of course I am sad and down. He’s a liar, a fraud, a charlatan. An enemy behind the gates. He is fake. And you can’t have a true relationship with a fake. And since my discovery I’m bizarrely happier and perkier and more at peace. More motivated even.

The secrets thread on here is good. I mentioned secrets a month or two ago as I felt it was likely he’s still lying. And since then he’s picked up the cuddles, the gifts and gestures. But he’s quick to snap and assumes the worst in me. He said he’s not sure if me being calm is worse. I’m quick to get cross and quick to calm down and forget and forgive. Not the best I know but I’m working on it - I go zero to 20 to 70 quickly. Counting to 10 doesn’t help. But I’m really trying. If I don’t bring anything up he’s fine. But if I do he goes into defensive mode and turns it on me. So I don’t bother. Not worth the effort. But also there’s nothing to discuss - he’s a cheat. He knows it and I know it.

I have always preferred to discuss things. Disagree. Argue maybe. Make up. Get on with life. I don’t dwell. I don’t count up my grievances and get revenge later. I genuinely get on with life. He dwells, sulks, distracts, deflects, defends. He’s sensitive about things said or done. Dwells on my sign off on text messages and emails. Did I write I love you? Did I type five kisses? Did I say thank you, I text it now so I can evidence it. Yet now I’m observing more sometimes he doesn’t say thank you to me because he’s busy
My tone - even when I’m really busy at work it with the kids or rushing before school. It’s tedious to deal with. It’s like managing a teenager. If he was stressed and busy I’d say ‘love you, hope your day is okay’. I’ve checked my old texts and I’d say ‘sorry I’m stressy i really love you, thank you’. I wouldn’t tease him and I can hand in heart say I never once trash talked him to anyone. I did not criticise him to another person until 4 years ago. I’d speak to him but never behind his back.

He needs to grow up. I am really not perfect but I am not lazy or terrible. I am the main earner. I pull my weight. I’m a good parent. I’m fun. Engaging. Sociable. I exercise and am in good shape for my age (not that that that’s the be all and end all) I’m a US size 6 and I have to work at this, I’d increase easily if I didn’t work on it daily. I’ll give anything a go. I’ll try new things. I’m at home camping and canoeing or in a 5 star hotel. I’m well read. Listen to a variety of music. I’m opinionated, silly at times, happy to be laughed at when I mess up. I’ll stand up for my loved ones and I’ll help people I care about. I think he’s lost something good. For what?

My abyss was and is loss. The pain was incredible. The tearing of a bond I treasured and needed. It was worse than my grandparents dying. And believe me that was heartbreaking. I’m sitting with it for sure. I also think the abyss may hold my hand occasionally and I’m pretty sure it pats me on the shoulder and tells me I’m doing great today. It’s glad I’m no longer trapped inside it but i am 99% certain it threw me a rope at the end and asked me, maybe even told me, to climb out. So yes the abyss is my friend and I like the dark. And I know we will meet again in this life and it will allow me to rest on the ledge 10 feet down,. But this time it says it has left me a rope ladder as it will only allow me to visit. I think it may have magicked up the rainbow yesterday and a small bird that flits about my garden. So yes I have seen the abyss and I survived. I know myself far better. I accept my flaws and apologise to my kids for my flaws, while I continue to work on them. But there are positives in this experience and I can now see them.

And you guys have been marvellous.

Hey sisters,

Welcome to this side, you can watch the show of where we stood in awe of how we did not take that step before.

You may develop some dark humor soon but it is fine.

Sounds like you too seen the bottom and are no longer afraid to fall.

Happy for you, I would tell it’s just here, now, the world, the people, the clouds and no lingering emotions.
But I felt you already know that.

Good one ☝️

Thanks Backfromthestorm

I’ve certainly been through a storm! But I saw a rainbow yesterday and I am sure the Abyss sent it for me. A reminder that it’s looking out for me.

‘ As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death’ the line from the hymn The Lord is My Shepard resonates with me. And I really love it anyway.

It bloody sucks but I’m here, in a better place, wiser, better and more than coping. I’ve put on nice clothes and makeup - I am a sparkly bookdragon today. And my aim is to sparkle all day.

Thanks once again - you really are all marvellous - thank you.

I am not sure if holding back this info has helped me a) trust myself. B) realise I won’t fall apart again. C) allow me a sense of control - I’ll discuss when I am ready. D) I’m toying with the idea of discussing it in real life with someone. I haven’t previously considered doing this as much as I have considered it this week.

But I can control my reaction and I have. This has helped me tremendously.

If I understand right it all flipped in a moment, is what I call the switch.

Everything falls in place because no matter what, you feel certain that it doesn’t matter, will be fine.

Because that’s simply the reality beyond the veil, it truly does not matter when you awake to the truth there is no control over others or outcomes.

And you immediately stop caring because you just surrender the fantasy and anxiety to the realization that there is just you, like you always were, no more and no less, and that’s perfection because you are already the best person you will ever going to be.

Validation dies, ego dissolves, only peace and openness comes, you are going to feel connected to others more than ever because you have finally found yourself and you see the others now, good and bad, but no more projections or reflection of your fears, just them. And people will feel that too.

Likely it will feel a bit weird the first few days, peaceful relaxed and calm, but with an eerie feeling of surreal, that’s normal for it is your lymbic system resetting after a long time of trauma and hyper vigilance.

It will become your baseline soon enough, meanwhile enjoy your new feeling of energy. You don’t have more, you just don’t waste it anymore in overthinking, so you are way more efficient and that tiredness disappeared.

Now is beginning a fun exploration of your self in the past and then today. Don’t ever follow the rabbit of expectations and the liar that is the ego, which you just dropped, and I think your life lived in the present will bring you a lot of surprisingly good things.