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My birthday is approaching and my wife is persistent in wanting to make me a gift.

I told her I want nothing from her because among her revelations I found out she also betrayed me in this period, the year I needed her the most in my life, she weren’t and preferred to indulge in being flirted with by another man.

So it’s really not the best memory to celebrate because it is just stupidly hypocritical.

Anyway she doesn’t give up, so I thought maybe it can be turned into something useful not just annoying for me.

And I thought that the best thing she might possibly do, is to try to understand me and the consequences of what she caused herself, destroying our relationship.

Summarized, the main Problem is that she is telling herself this narrative

I did something horrible and I am disgusted with myself.
I was young and stupid and not sure of what I wanted until I lost it.

Today I am a different person and I learned from my mistakes. I have been faithful since we moved in together and a loyal wife since we married.

What was before is in the past, we should move on.

My take is:

No. You are mistaken.
You are not a different woman you are exactly the same woman who can and did that.

You only don’t because you’re terrified of the consequences, not because you are healed.
And for me there is nothing to work with how the things are now.

She is avoidant of any kind of subject that could lead to discussion of her infidelity since the day I told her I will stop bringing it up and just observe and evaluate her behavior and healing process (which I concede she is trying). Because she was a wreck and completely powerless, she was collapsing, so I stopped, can’t force her healing, she must do it.

But she does not get it.
She is performing a fantasy where she is the perfect, attentive, loving wife who is all for her man.

Even blind that I stand oceans away emotionally because I see through her delusion. I simply can’t allow her to enter my inner world again unless she is radically changed. She tells herself the story of destined love, I see a fucking roommate.

That’s all. I don’t want to. I think I may even wish that I could allow her closer again, because I saw her pain and that was real, shattering.

But she feels shame, not guilt, not remorse.
And she can’t feel regret because she keeps avoiding to look and understand what and how her betrayals affected me.

I think that is what truly terrifies her, and her avoidant nature is coping in this way. So she is genuinely believing that she is trying, while to me feels like she is not trying at all, so I stopped caring.

This long premise is for this:

What books are worth reading for a wayward to opening up and watching into the abyss where they casted us?
Those books that will light the monsters hiding in the darkness and maybe, perhaps, breaking the shame defensive bubble even for a moment, so they can start to understand why unless you get it you will never be able to even begin preparations for a try at reconciliation.

Empathy not shame.

If you know any very good reads then that’s the only gift I could appreciate from her.

Yeah. 14 years ago. And I’m still here.

They lack empathy. That’s why they have affairs in the first place. That’s the real why. Because they lack the ability to understand that their spouse is NOT an NPC in a video game. They play their own game and we think we are on the same team, but we are just innocent bystanders, audience to their stage.

You can’t make her understand. And it’s not your job to. You cannot teach a color blind person to see colors. You cannot teach them this color grey is likely blue. They will never see blue. They just guess that it is a grey we call blue and use the word blue next time instead of Grey.

Meanwhile, the rainbow of feelings is just ours alone.

That’s why their conscience let them do this in the first place.

You can only decide whether you are ok with their blindness or not. The blindness will persist. You will continue to see it and be deeply sad and disappointed. And want to describe "Blue". And you’ll do all the cool cold water ice feelings stuff. But it just won’t hit home the same way.

I’m sorry. Maybe that’s enough. For some of us it has to be, I guess.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 8:25 PM, Monday, April 20th]

No. My friend, no. She does not buy herself a book to help her improve herself for your birthday. That's not a gift to you. Appreciate your birth and celebrate yourself on that day. I will do so with you.

I have been trying to imagine what you are thinking here; what you think this act will signal to her and what it means to you. Maybe you want her to know how important and impactful this would be to you? From my perspective, it sounds like you are willing to except a very low standard in a marriage. It makes me feel sad for you. I have no idea how others see it though.

[This message edited by KitchenDepth5551 at 9:39 PM, Monday, April 20th]

Plain and simply because it will take me a lot of words to describe her nuanced contradictions and attempt, but is just not worthy you time:

She is asking what she can do to make me see her change, to allow her closer and to prove me she truly cares.

I can only think of one thing, that she does understand my side.

That’s why the book ideas, I seen they were eye opening for reforming waywards. She is very far in that path, but she is trying.

And not because I ask, I don’t ask or want nothing from her anymore. Initiative is hers.

I do understand her side way better. I am not the one who brought the destruction to our relationship 18 years ago.

And 18 years of trauma bonding and ptsd were enough that my body and mind themselves said enough.

So I am done being the one putting effort, I can lead and allow her in IF she can change, not in behaviors only, she did that, but deeper.

No kitchen do not worry, I don’t accept anything that is below my standards. I stay for now for my daughter only.

Care not how many tears or limerence she has.

Change is possible but from her only, not from me (I already have)

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:09 PM, Monday, April 20th]

Ok then. You started by saying that it's your birthday. She is asking what you want her to give you for your birthday as a gift. Well, it shouldn't be this. That's not a birthday gift. Let others celebrate the day of your birth. Celebrate you.

This is something else.

If you don't want to celebrate your birthday with her, then just don't. Don't tell her to improve herself as a gift to you. Do something else. I'll come here at an appointed date and time and celebrate your birthday with you. Others might too. Let us know. Your WW figuring out why she cheated is not a celebration for your birthday.

I don't know if it's a great idea for a birthday present or something you should have to prod her into, per se, but as far as a good book to read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda McDonald really opened up my wife's eyes. It's a fairly short read, but it's packed with good info and gives a really good account of what a betrayed spouse goes through. I think it really drove home just how devastating her affair was. She really soaked it up and took it in.

We listened to the audio version together and it was a little over 2 hours long. One good thing about it was that I could see she was already modeling some of the behaviors suggested in the book, and she really started to understand how important it was to me that she really "got it." I think it's pretty much a must read for any WW or formerly WW spouse.