Starting to be troublesome with the numbering since they blur between those "you know" and the drops 馃挦 of confessions coming out from trickle truths.
Unless i spend energy on inventory all her dirty stuff it鈥檚 natural to lose the thread I guess.
And I don鈥檛 do that anymore, is just not worthy.
So if I am following the very arbitrary count of my various just found out I could say this is DDay #4.
Yesterday she noticed me writing here (she really doesn鈥檛 like this forum as it makes her uncomfortable) and she said "don鈥檛 you think that forum is destroying our relationship?"
"That鈥檚 not possible " I answered her amused
"Because we are not married right?" Her ego鈥檚 salty irony alluding at the fact she wears a ring.
"Exactly "
And she got upset, and retaliated "but we do have a relationship!"
Me "Of course we do"
Her "So what is that?"
Me "We are roommates "
Her "So you weren鈥檛 joking when you said you were only here for our daughter?"
Me "I told you. And I don鈥檛 joke about important things "
So the usual circus.
She went into drama mode (I was fine and minding my business as usual) and when she inquired more I engaged like usual.
Then what do you know, minimization, blame shifting, gaslighting, it鈥檚 the past she didn鈥檛 say get over it but it is clearly implied).
All bounces off.
The moment when she gets to I just want to move forward, adding "with you" (because she knows my feeling is absolute: let鈥檚 go ahead, sign my divorce proposal and let鈥檚 move on, we can do it now), I had to reiterate that there is zero chance to move forward because the forward simply doesn鈥檛 have any starting place.
She burned it long time ago.
I spare you the rest because is a broken record and is frankly boring, but she eventually gets to the point where we repeat "there is no past relationship that is gone when you chose infidelity. Your dad is dead, you can鈥檛 move forward with him. My mom is dead, I can鈥檛 move forward with her. Our relationship is the same. The only thing we "could " do is rebuilding something new from zero. But that鈥檚 only possible if all the lies and secrets are gone"
Followed up by denial, minimizing etc the whole shabang.
Of course her take is I am the villain and cruel because it鈥檚 painful to hear that and is abusing her boundaries (she surely has put the language she learned in therapy to fruition. Progress?).
Considering that confronting her minimization and "get over it" with the truth is not abuse in my opinion, I just can鈥檛 accept bullshit and blame shifting any more from anyone, I simply smiled and said "I see. It鈥檚 okay" then proceeded to mind my own business.
Naturally she can鈥檛 take refusal for drama, chaos and my 180, so she tried again more accommodating and you know the drill.
More accommodating but still lies and trickle truths, but it slips out another confession of an affair I already found out that she swore it was purely emotional being physical.
Not that I care, for my meter there is no levels to infidelity, I see no difference between an initial interest/attraction/ looks and a gangbang orgy. The sewer is still sewer, no matter how deep she dives in the sewage, is her business, I don鈥檛 care, I don鈥檛 like the smell even from a distance, it鈥檚 all a dealbreaker so there鈥檚 that.
As suspected my guts were spot on, therapy and self work are helping her to heal some of her issues and I can see that.
About empathy and remorse, she isn鈥檛 there at all. Is still just shame and insecurity. And I don鈥檛 care about that.
Her ego is still alive and well. Feels entitled to me, desperate frustrated shittesting (even learning how to weapon use therapy language). Desperately trying to reinstate the status quo through manipulation and narrative rewriting to fit the fantasy she wish we had.
Again the past is past and it was long time ago is the main thing in her mind.
- No matter how much you explain that trickle truths means just it鈥檚 a long time you cheat and lie and keep protecting your cheat and lies with more lies and betrayal.
- she already knows that for the nerve system time doesn鈥檛 matter. I found out now about her infidelity from a million years ago. Then it happened now. Not yesterday, today.
- that her not disclosing guarantees that this situation does repeat itself over and over and over in the future, because I know of it all my guts does, but her not coming clean just means one day the truth pops up and this time she can鈥檛 deny it (which is lying anyway, so can鈥檛 you see is wrong?).
- Can鈥檛 understand that ddays are like stepping on a mine while you are hiking in a forest on a sunny day. Lies will never outlive truth, it will come out eventually. Lies survive only when the lied one wants desperately to believe that you are not as horrible as your intuition screams. I accepted that people are who they are, not who you would want them to be.that鈥檚 why they are all falling like dominos one by one.
So she asks about the pain, and I explained her again that if I was like before I would be devastated, back in the abyss once again. She claims it鈥檚 painful to hear. I told her I believe it, but she can鈥檛 compare with how painful is being on the receiving end of her decisions.
You don鈥檛 like hurting right? Ever tried wondering how this side feels like? Don鈥檛 you want to know? Why?
However I was already half my life on that hellish abyssal rollercoaster, so I am not minding or worrying about she offering me more and more tickets for another ride. Seen that, done that. I am good.
The soul crushing pain for her infidelity is no more. It died with the death of my older me. I am not numb, I am not dissociated (I was both for years when she did what she did).
Her infidelity is still painful but is not eviscerating. It鈥檚 more like a wasp sting or a hornet sting order of magnitude.
It stings, it hurts for a moment, but is just a nuisance that gets over as quickly.
But surely your pretense that I stick myself I blindly in the hornet nest is met with a laugh. You are still around so some stings are expected, I already saw them coming. I have no reasons nor interest to go there intentionally though.
When I get stung I flick you off, massage, laugh it out and forget it.
That鈥檚 your dream fantasyland and I don鈥檛 care to visit it. Know it already, was a bad show, the worst I saw. I am good. You do you.
But I have to say it鈥檚 a real pleasure watching her ego collapse when realizes that all the stories she must be telling herself are not real.
I didn鈥檛 go back. I didn鈥檛 move. I didn鈥檛 buy in any of her Bull. I don鈥檛 care.
I am still fine rebuilding my life and I鈥檓 simply don鈥檛 care about that trash.
I come first, I allow people close, but I keep my direction, the path I chose, anyone can join but I refuse to be dragged down by anyone.
What matters is me and my daughter, that鈥檚 the only person I carry until her wings are dry enough to fly. I drag no one else.
