My wife’s infidelity caused an upheaval that shook the foundations of our marriage. (I know I am preaching to the choir here at SI.) In the years, prior to D-day, I thought, by the grace of God, fortified by our love and commitment to each other, that all the structures of our life and union were solid and would weather any calamity. D-day 2, round 2, well, that crumbled everything into an enormous pile of unrecognizable rubble.
34 years ago, I could not separate the nonsalvageable from the salvageable.
Was she, was I, were we, was anything redeemable? For what was once hallow was now hollow.
While sorting through what had been razed by adultery, I made countless mistakes. (Still do, which is how I ended up seeking out SI a year ago June.) Probably the greatest error was I could no longer see anything as ever being what I thought it was. Everything must have been a lie! With that new operating thought, or I believe more accurately said, self-lie, taking control I began to accumulate and hoard all the chaos into a singular cluster of debris. That blunder led me to view everything as unreal, untrue, un-good which led to me trying to solve every issue, hurt, anger, disappointment, fear, disgust, doubts, and so much more, simultaneously.
Over time it became clear to me that I needed to rethink, regroup, reprioritize, if I hoped to find my way out of the disorienting void that I was staggering my way through.
For me, and please understand, I am not attempting to speak for all those who have been betrayed, but for "me" to survive and recover, I needed to shelve some issues (some temporary, some permanently) while working on others. To priorities, divide, and set aside, is not the same as to rug-sweep or avoidant behavior.
I also realized I needed to work on what went wrong by employing patience with myself and my wife, not by making fixed demands on either of us. To temporarily put one’s own needs aside is not weak, it takes strength, an enormous amount of strength.
As information began to flow, in spits and spurts, I realized that as painful and unfair as it was, trickle truth is how humans tend to reveal the worst of their behaviors. I believe expecting/demanding complete and immediate disclosure is asking for more than what most individuals can do. Asking for it is reasonable and a wayward would-be kind and wise to supply it. However, I contend that demanding immediate and full truth is every bit of a set up for failure as trickle truth is.
Then there is the setting of boundaries. Yes, boundaries are extremely important in all relationships. But every boundary is a wall. Do I make it solid, unenterable, or do I build windows and doors into it? That is not co-dependent. It is chosen vulnerability.
One decision that I have never regretted was not to become a detective or warden. I was committed to the idea of not allowing my wife’s actions to develop in me a personality that I did not want - a suspicious nature compounded by controlling behaviors.
I am not suggesting anyone go about the hard work of finding one’s way through the anarchy brought about by infidelity the way I did. I am sure not suggesting that I am a success story to emulate. I am only making a statement that there are many paths to healing, many ways to reconcile with oneself, and, if desired, with one’s partner, or to choose divorce if that is the chosen course of action.
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