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All My Fears Confirmed

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Abbondad posted 1/4/2014 15:01 PM


I can only echo again what everyone is telling you: she is reading from an incredibly cliched, selfish script: I need more time, I am confused, blame-shifting, marital rewrite, on and on. And on from my STBX. For over a year. And I waited, humiliated, as she "made up her mind." She never did. I finally came out of my fog when I realized she would NEVER actively "choose." Her inaction, as the others have said, is a choice. With consequences.

So I made up MY mind and filed for divorce. If she had her way, nothing would have changed: she would have her husband and her boyfriend. And all that I value--my integrity, my pride, my masculinity, my role-modeling for our children--would have died a final death.

Reality is now hitting her hard--the grass, it seems, is not greener (shock)--and she has made a pathetic attempt to "come back." I'm done. So should you be, Stanley. Don't put up with this abuse, please.

Wishing you strength and determination.

Tren0R201 posted 1/4/2014 16:59 PM

Confused and pressured.

What about exactly?

In terms of R or remorse, you couldn't get much clearer in regards of what a truly remorseful person needs to do to even come close to repairing the incredible damage one has made by having sex with someone else.

There is only confusion if the pull towards her AP is strong enough. There is only pressure if her feelings are unresolved and she's not ready to commit fully to you.

You're getting your b*lls back, but the last push is truly the hardest. Being resolute enough not to take any blame shifting and setting down conditions which must be met absolutely. Is she willing to lose you? Then you must prove to her you can walk away if she isn't willing to fight for you.

mike7 posted 1/4/2014 21:02 PM

or.... you can feed her back her shit.

Honey, I understand that for you to make a decision between him and me, you need time. A pressured, hurried, decision isn't right for you.

I too have to make a decision. And I know immediately that if my spouse continues to have an affair even one more day, I will divorce her. I have to for my own self-respect. it's unfortunate that you need more time, when in fact, I can't allow any more time. I sure wish you hadn't betrayed me and started to cheat. But once you did, I ran out of time for that. I will give you till tomorrow morning. Then you need to either begin packing your bags or stopping your cheating.

Again, I'm sorry that my need for a faithful wife requires that you don't have time to make a thoughtful choice between us.

and if that doesn't work, throw the cheating bitch out.

mike7 posted 1/4/2014 21:17 PM

but really do it. throw her out.

This will shock her. She will think about it then she will call you and want to talk. At that point you say, "I'm sorry, I've decided I really don't want to talk to an adulterer. I haven't decided if I want you anymore. As you know, these decisions shouldn't be pressured or rushed. I will think about things and let you know if I want to hear from you again."

Does this sound tough? Well... it's not as tough as cheating on someone.

She will not respect you until you respect yourself. When you finally decide to respect yourself, you will start to realize she really isn't all "that." KWIM? She's an adultress. She's not special at all.

She has proven she's not worth you. So don't rush into taking her back.

but first. But First! Stop the fucking cheating or throw her ass out. If you don't do that, you will have months perhaps years of hell.

Abbandondad knows what he's talking about.

Abbondad posted 1/5/2014 07:51 AM

Abbandondad knows what he's talking about.

I sure do, Stanley. And I assure you, I don't say this with arrogance: I say it with acute pain. Pain for myself, pain for my children, and now pain for you.

One of the best threads on SI is written by someone years out from D-day, entitled "What I would have done in hindsight" (or something like that). Read it.

After my D-day (November 12, 2012), my STBX literally fell to her knees (I had tracked her phone to her OM's) after I told her I wanted a divorce. She immediately texted the OM a NC message in front of me. Wrote me a letter blaming herself, only herself, assuring me that she would get help and spend every day for the rest of her life proving her commitment to me and our family.

So I backed off my threat of divorce.

Within two weeks she was back in contact with the OM.

What I should have done? I should have filed the next day. And gone through with it, as I am doing now. Doing so would have saved me almost a year of limbo hell, sheer hell, as she wavered back-and-forth between me and the OM. Several more times I threatened divorce, and each time she feigned remorse. Each time I bought it, and she knew I bought it.

She had lost all respect for me after I backed off the first time. In hindsight, I had lost all respect for myself.

Don't get me wrong, Stanley: I backed off not because I am a wimp. I backed off because this was my wife, the mother of my children, the love of my life for ten years. But that first instance of not following through with my declaration of divorce was a slippery slope. Whether she saw me as a wimp--consciously or not--doesn't matter. She saw me as someone who would put up with her emotional abuse. And I did. Until finally the pain became so unbearable I did what I should have done on November 12.

Just...Stanley, don't be me. I know you love her, and I know that this is SO HARD. Your head is locked in mortal, excruciating combat with your heart. You MUST listen to your head and act. Your heart is whispering falsehoods, and those falsehoods WILL cause your heart to shatter even further.

Gather your self-respect. Now. Do not wait, do not make excuses to yourself. She MUST know that you are serious. Against all your emotional longing, extricate yourself from her; make your decision, as she clearly has made hers.

Justgreatnews posted 1/5/2014 08:38 AM

Stanley, your comment about "sharing her mouth and vagina" was brilliant.

Mine has been great about accepting blame, but one time mentioned she felt lonely. I ended up saying how that was no excuse, there are better ways to address loneliness. I certainly didn't force another man's dick into her.

Also, here is that thread about hindsight that was just mentioned:

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 8:42 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]

happyman64 posted 1/5/2014 12:10 PM


Make the decision for her.

It really is not too hard. I know you two have history. I know she has a relationship with your kids.

But that must not mean too much to her to make the bad decisions she made.

So listen to the crew. Knock her off that fence.

Send her packing.
Have her served at work.
Contact her boss regarding both of them.
Inform the OM's wife.

Make those decisions.
Act like a man who respects himself.

I gurantee you that she will realize how little she respects you and just how little she respects herself.

So show her what respect looks like.

Give her consequences.

Share her the divorce papers. Then she can decide what to do with her mouth and vagina.

Be strong. Be fearless.


bufffalo posted 1/5/2014 16:14 PM


your WW still in any contact with her boyfriend? any at all?


stanley posted 1/6/2014 03:19 AM

We had another "discussion" and it was more of the same crap. Her fog is way deeper than I realized or maybe I am just clear headed and can smell the skunk now? She has left and will not communicate with me at all, which has given me time to "sober" up! She is showing a side of her I have never seen before and has NO remorse and seems completely oblivious of what this has done to us let alone me! For me I guess this was what I needed. I am at my ropes end and have had enough. This is the email I sent to her just minutes ago.
Hi, since you won't speak to me you can read what I have to say in your email. I will be short and to the point.
The last thing you asked me was to define "remorse" and I told you exactly what that was. This might be a lot easier for you to understand because it ties in to a comment you made to me the other day. The opposite of remorse is way easier and doesn't require an "education" a "playbook" or even a "MR. KNOW it all!" This one sentence you said to me covers it all......
"You just need to get off your high horse and quit playing the victim"
If you feel this way then you have zero remorse and or your so deep in the fog that all you see is the merry-go-round......
I am not gonna ask you for anything you don't want to give and I am not gonna beg you for your love. You know how I feel about you and what I would like for us to do. I am prepared to do anything in my power to heal us, but if you don't care about me or what you have done to us, then what's the point. We can't even begin to heal while he is still in the picture! There will be no more ultimatums from me. It is just simply this, I will not be your partner and try and work on us while you have a boyfriend, that is a boundary for me that is not negotiable. If you can't choose, then your not choosing me and I will make it easy for you, you can have him! I'm sure his charm and wit more than make up for his obvious shortcomings. If you choose to help repair what we had/have then you will have to agree to certain conditions, the most important being NO contact with him ever. There will be NO drugs! We will draft a letter of No Contact for him so he is clear of the boundaries and I will deliver it to him. His wife must and will know the truth what ever you decide. If you choose me then you will tell her personally and she will be given a copy of her husbands No Contact letter. You will answer any questions I have about this mess truthfully and completely whenever I choose to ask them because you have hurt me deeply and I deserve to know the whole truth. A marriage/partnership cannot survive with three people in it. I will not be a part of that any more. If you don't want me in your life any longer then that's fine, I don't want to be where I am no longer needed or wanted! If you truly are remorseful and can find that love for me that you so quickly and easily cast aside like a used condom, I know we can make it. If you can't then I will not stand at the gates of hell any longer begging to be let inside. The choice is yours and you must decide! I will give you until Friday to make a choice! On Saturday I will be starting fresh, either with you or with out you! I will not waste any more of this New Year worrying about this Bullshit! Just an FYI, the betrayal was bad enough, but after all we have been through together, the straw that broke the camels back for me is your complete and utter insensitivity and total lack of remorse!!!

SisterMilkshake posted 1/6/2014 04:40 AM

Stanley, that is a great e-mail. Now, crickets. It is up to her to show if she is interested and is willing to do what is needed. Be strong, you can do it!


crisp posted 1/6/2014 05:43 AM

Great progress and great communication showing progress. In future communications (if any) please show even more progress by not being so unconditional in your love of her. You are almost still begging her in the email.

Throughout your email, you basically tell her that your love is so great for her that you will take her back if she shows remorse. Reality is that you may not feel that way down the road when you totally defog and the intentional harm she has caused you fully sinks in.

OK now posted 1/6/2014 11:14 AM

She will ignore this Fridays deadline as part of her power play. From your e-mail she is confident she can get you back anytime she wishes if her affair with the OM doesn't work out. Sadly only when you take irrevocable steps to move on will she get alarmed. Right now she considers you are in a waiting mode, which will continue until she says it ends, not you.

She is not the woman you knew. In the grip of strong feelings of infatuation she is capable of being very cruel, as you have found out. Don't expect rational decisions from her until her feelings for the OM have dissipated. Very little you can do to control that.

OK now posted 1/6/2014 12:04 PM

After further thought, I believe that she will use your Friday deadline has a decision maker. Since she will not/cannot make her mind up before then she will now claim you have made her mind up for her. She will choose the relationship with the OM.

At least now you have shifted her off that fence and as I said before the emotional and sexual connection with the OM is such that he is her first choice anyway; you are a distant second; a fall back option.

Until the affair is over and she is no longer infatuated with the OM you have no chance at reconciliation. She is overloaded with love hormones and no matter what you say and do she can only change herself. All you can do is move on and be non-hostile and friendly as you build a new life for yourself. If she comes round sometime in the future, then thats another decision; this time one you have control of.

cliffside posted 1/6/2014 13:14 PM

I think Friday is waaaaaay too much time. I'd give her 24 hours. Better yet, when you see her next just state "I've re-thought my timeline and Friday is really too much time for me to live like this. Your decision should be simple so I'd like to know right this minute and if you can't do that I'll have to assume that means you'll be choosing him and I will be filing for divorce immediately."

movingforward13 posted 1/6/2014 16:49 PM

24 hours is way too much time. You need to make her choose now. You are her husband for fucks sake. This isn't a hard decision.

Abbondad posted 1/10/2014 05:40 AM

Hey, Stanley,

How are you? Keep posting. We are all rooting for and are here to help!

allatsea posted 1/10/2014 06:01 AM

I need to buy time to see how things are going to work out with the OP. He is still with his wife, and I need to see if he will commit to me and dump his wife. If he will commit to me and dump his wife, then I am going to dump you Stanley. But I need time to see how this will play out. Because if I dump you right now, and things don't work out with the OP, then I will have no one. So, I have keep you, Stanley, on the hook until things are settled.

This is an excellent summary of a WS stalling tactic. I've experienced it first hand. It took me 6 weeks to learn the truth and then I filed for divorce. It took Abb longer because she fucked with him and led him on a goose chase.

Good luck Stanley.

be strong

stanley posted 1/10/2014 10:53 AM

Well, here I go! Today's the deadline I imposed for her and in all honesty I believe as some of you have stated that she is going to call my bluff! Her fog is deep, but my resolve is deeper, I am in full 180 now and have had zero contact with her since my email. Her stuff is packed and in storage and I am moving forward as if I were a single man. As I sit here and write this I am amazed that 12 years of so much good can be reduced down to what is essentially one bad choice. Trust is such an all or nothing proposition, you either truly trust somebody, or there is some doubt. Love for me on the other hand has so many different levels, like the love you have for your children, or your mother and father and Grandparents and then there's the love you have for your spouse. The love I have had for her was so implicit because of the trust we had built with each other and she has crushed that with one bad choice! Pain means different things to different people, but I think betrayal for the betrayed is such a universally felt combination of panic, anxiety, pain and anguish! To feel all of those things and still love someone so much when their back is turned towards you truly feels like your standing at the gates of hell begging to be let inside. My initial sadness and anguish that eventually progressed to anger has now settled back to sadness! It has become this bittersweet sadness for this woman that I have loved so imperfectly, but yet with all of my heart and unconditionally through good times and bad! I am resigned to the likely hood that she will not contact me today, because she has never been the kind of person to admit her mistakes, but I am determined to move forward, learn from my mistakes, become a better father, man and partner for my future. Trust will be my Holy Grail and I suspect I will find that only after I have put many miles between me and those gates I very nearly walked through!

movingforward13 posted 1/10/2014 15:14 PM

She is clearly showing you that she doesn't choose you. I am very sorry.

stanley posted 1/11/2014 17:29 PM

Well, my deadline came and went as of friday and she blew it off, but she did manage to text me today! I am still holding onto the 180 and haven't opened the text yet. I am getting that same sick feeling I got on D-Day! If I wasn't still in love with her and didn't have that slim ray of hope, I would just wash my hands of this and start over!

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