8. If you choose to stay, accept that there is significant risk.
Realize there is significant risk involved in staying with your WS. Take time to really look at posts/threads/profiles, and you’ll see this. You will see over and over how many people had a D-day, stayed, and were confronted with another D-day…and another. You will see over and over how many people thought the A was over, only to discover WS was still seeing the OP. You will see over and over BS who want so much to reconcile but have a WS who won’t tell the truth, isn’t remorseful, won’t cut ties with the OP, or make any other needed repairs to the relationship. You will see over and over BS who are waiting on the sidelines as their WS are with their OP, hoping fervently that their WS will come back, only to be served divorce papers.
That’s not to say that staying is a doomed proposition. You will see many BS here who have reconciled with their WS and have rebuilt their marriages. They say they’re happy and healthy together. While it will be hard at times to believe that this is anything but a fairy tale, it is possible. In fact, this is the dream that keeps many BS with their WS. However, even in matters of the heart, you’ve got to use your head. When do the risks outweigh the potential benefits when it comes to staying with the WS?
* Will your WS do whatever you need to rebuild trust? This may include accounting for his/her whereabouts at all times and giving you computer and phone access. If your WS balks and says he/she is entitled to privacy, the risks are high.
* Will your WS permanently cut all contact with the OP? This may include writing a NC letter or calling the OP in front of you to make it clear there will be NC. If your WS refuses to do this or says the OP is now just a “friend,” the risks are high.
* Will the WS answer all your questions completely and honestly (and repeatedly if necessary)? Some WS may feel talking about the A may hurt more than help you. If you explain that this is something you need and the WS still won’t give you the truth, the risks are high. If you think your WS has given you the whole truth only to learn that what you were told is a lie, the risks are high.
* Does the WS show deep and genuine remorse? Only you know what this looks and feels like for your spouse. But if you don’t see or sense this from the WS, the risks are high.
* Does the WS take full responsibility for the A? If your WS blames you, whether fully or even partially, the risks are high.
* Does your WS show you compassion for what you’re going through? This includes being patient with your process—and it will be a long process. If your WS wonders when you’re going to “get over it,” the risks are high.
* Is the WS willing to examine himself/herself to see how he/she made the choices that were made so the same choices aren’t repeated? This may include IC or MC. If the WS isn’t willing to do this, the risks are high.
These above factors are related to reconciling after the A. However, you need to also realize that whatever issues your M had prior to the A are still there. Both of you have to be willing to take responsibility for the state of the M before the A and be willing to work on that. Does your WS accept this, and is your WS willing to do the work? Are YOU willing to do the work? If not, the risks are high. I’ve seen BS who say that the M was in bad shape before the A because the other spouse was emotionally stunted/a selfish a$$hole, so how is the BS responsible for the pre-A M? If this is your situation, realize you stayed in the M and put up with that treatment. You have to change the status quo and make it clear that you are a person of worth who does not accept disrespect.
If you examine the people with SUCCESSFUL R stories (there are PLENTY of false R examples), you will find that all of the above need to be in place. What if they aren’t in place? It’s still your choice, but understand that if you stay, the potential for further heartbreak is high. If your WS gives you clear signs that he/she cannot be trusted or cannot be the spouse you need and you still stay, you must accept some responsibility for putting yourself in that position if things turn out badly.
However, you have to also realize that your WS could meet all the above criteria and your M may still not work out. Your WS could be the poster child of remorse and for R and still cheat again. To stay, you must accept that this is a possibility. To reconcile, you have to be willing to take that risk.
The collective wisdom of the people on this site can also help you with the other option. The most important piece of advice seems to be that…